This is why I Want To Leave!

I Escape To A Rich Suburb.

That’s right ladies & gentlemen. I just can’t stand where I live. Why? well there is the following:

Lots & lots of TRAFFIC! Seems I goofed when I moved to this particular area it is such a densely populated area.

Homeless people and it is a problem. Don’t know if you remember me writing a blog about how a homeless person defecated in the same building which I live. I discovered it one morning while I was going to get my Mother a breakfast sandwich when she was hospitalized. Freaked me the F**k out.

Obnoxious homeless people. I have nothing against being homeless. In fact from the time I was a child, I actually did sleep on the streets. What I have a problem is when I’m trying to buy a few grocercies to feed myself I encounter a man who does the obscene hand gesture to me in addition to scowling my way. I’m feeling like this, sorry your unhappy dude but man up & get a life.

Obnoxious people . I know that there everywhere however with gentrification rearing its ugly head its gotten real bad. People seem meaner more aggressive I notice it. I’m not being overly sensitive, its a fact. Case in point? The aggressive/obnoxious lady who deliberately cut in line in front of me at the Walgreens one block from my apartment. She was real mean. I wrote about it.

There is a library much closer to where I live but here is why I loathe going there.

One day I’m at a computer there is a vacant computer station right next to me when some young immature guys approach and for some reason that I can’t fathom the young guy who look like side show Bob from the Simpsons cartoon (skinny as a rail too) looks at me then says loudly “NAW’! Have to say that boy wouldn’t win any prizes, and I’m real easy on the eyes even for my age. Wow! What a jerk.

Some of the people who come to the library close to where I live look pretty scary. Case in point one woman who had hair so big and I mean she must have had about 10 years worth of hair growth or must have been sporting a wig it made me uncomfortable it was extremely HUGE both height & width.

I’m old fashioned I’m of the school were you should at least trim your hair and there are places to go for affordable hair care too. Can you say cosmetology schools?

So I go were I can relax a bit and don’t feel like I’m being exploited.

At this point I’m really trying to figure out my goals for the upcoming year 2020. My apartment lease will NOT be renewed and I’ll have nowhere to go.

God willing everything will work out because it sure hasn’t been smooth sailing at all!.

Here In Seattle The Crisis Line Is Awful.

Today is Sunday the weather is pretty crummy, but that’s not the reason for my bad mood. Tried to call a couple of so called support lines and guess what? neither one was worth my time that it took to dial up the number then wait on hold ( yes on hold! Only in Seattle!)

I’m still dealing with how I’m feeling about seeing that damn book on the book titled “I Hate Black Women”. So I thought if I called to have someone to talk to about it I would feel a little bit better. I couldn’t have been more wrong!

Here in the not so great Pacific Northwest there is one support (HA) number laughingly called ‘The Warm Line’ Have to say it isn’t. Called that number I get a guy who answers, and I say to him I need to talk. So I talk.

He then says with irritation in his voice “Just a minute” sounding impatient. I nipped the conversation in the bud & told him I will hang up & that was that. See if your not willing to listen then why should I trust you? I sense that the training isn’t none too great. The Warm Line should be called the not so warm line in my opinion. If your in emotional trouble here in the PNW then your REALLY IN TROUBLE because the people who mann the phones could care LESS! The support is a joke!

Next I called the CRISIS LINE. The woman on the other end I could barely hear her. It sounded like she was conversing under some bed covers. And the funny thing is it seems to me that all of their staff sound the same way! kind of like really soft, not very commanding or very confident. UGH! I attempted to talk to this woman and tell her how I was feeling. How I was feeling about the hateful book that I saw on Amazon. I was delicate in how I described the books title because not many people want to discuss race. Then the Crisis line woman says to me the following “You know this is a crisis line”? Right there I knew that she just didn’t want to be bothered with how I was feeling. SO let me get this straight? I can only call the Crisis line if say I’m about to jump off a bridge? But not when I’m having an emotional crisis like the one I was having? I mean wasn’t that sort of callous? Well? This takes the cake!

So basically I gave up. Instead I’ll just watch the rest of Deadwood on DVD and make me some dinner later. Its no wonder there is a drug problem as well as a suicide problem. This town has a lousy support line manned by people who don’t care. It ain’t worth moving here people!

You’ve been warned.

I Live In A World That Hates How I Look

This was triggered because I went onto Google to ask the question “Why Do People Hate Black Women”? And everyone Black women are hated! There is a published book on just such a subject that is on Amazon. WOW! and other groups say they get HATE? I’m sorry but people Black women get the worst of it. I saw it right there in the print. BTW people, there is a published book by someone who calls themselves T.C. Writer ( yep that is the authors name probably a pseudonym) the book which is for sale on Amazon website is titled ” I Hate Black Women”. Now to my knowledge there doesn’t seem to be any other books that are written about other women of color saying that they are hated. WOW!

Oh, and it gets worse when I scrolled down onto the Amazon page for the reviews of this book ( was so infuriated) I got to read stuff like: Black women are whores, Black women are hateful ( so untrue ) That your better off looking to other races for a quality woman. Reading the reviews made my stomach turn! I did report this review as being abusive to Amazon. I sure did.

But people let me step outside of myself for a minute to give you a rundown on myself who is a Black woman.

I was shy, sensitive, cried at the drop of a hat. However I grew up in a house marred in violence watching my own Mother get beat to a pulp constantly for any little thing! At 8 years of age I’m taken away from my lovely Mother who I just adored! To go live with a lame brain Father & his not so attractive Wife. He was like a child living in a man’s body.

Now everyone THINK about how that would make a little girl feel. To put it mildly I felt as though my insides were being ripped apart from the inside out. Add to that people I’m physically abused, molested, I’m being interrogated just like on those police shows with the exception that on those police shows THOSE SUSPECTS ARE TREATED MORE HUMANELY! I’m a child. And the punishments went on & on everyone. Being made to go to my room getting into bed, then drawing ALL THE WINDOW SHADES, put on my pj’s then GET into bed were I had to wait for hours until I could get out of bed. I could do nothing, no tv, no reading a book…..NOTHING! For me that was like jail! Some of you might think its not a punishment but when your a young child growing up in sunny California wanting to play with your neighborhood friends, trust me it is. Thus the stage is SET for life long depression were I can’t even get out of bed sometimes.

Now people I don’t write this to get on a soap box but I’m just sharing all of the most painful parts of my childhood to show you why Black women seem somewhat unhappy. Oh, and don’t forget Black women , black girls are SEXUALLY EXPLOITED I was since I was 10 or 11 years old sexually objectified I’m talking boys who exposed themselves lets just say they were of the same ethnicity a lot of them grow into men that really abuse women.

So what I want to know is are Black women being punished? I mean God forbid we should display any human emotion am I right? OH WAIT I see some of you would rather see us drop dead of a stroke or heart attack! Is that it?

I feel that the majority of society to include some of you men need to seek therapy & knock off all this misogyny okay? Stop hating on Black women.

Alright I get it! I’m hated but you know what? I’ll still continue to stand up for myself & God willing get married and guess what? Theres a flip side to that coin. I won’t be looking for someone of the same ethnicity! Remember the old saying when you point the finger you have three others pointing back AT YOU! Stay strong Black women. Stop the damn hate please!

I Want To Move Out Of Washington TO Another State But How?

With about 5 months to go on my current apartment lease to a place that I absolutely loath due to the management + creepy tenants, I want OUT of Washington state!

I have my desired place narrowed down to two states. Two because One of the states offers what I think is free job training to get me employed. I am on Federal assistance. I have to tell you everyone it really isn’t easy trying to find your way when your all alone & your a woman. Think about that for awhile if your having a hard time comprehending this.

I realize that if I don’t decide on making some moves ANY MOVES I could die! I don’t really have family except a very passive elderly Mother who really doesn’t spend much time with me. I don’t live with her. And there really isn’t any or reason to stay in this wretched state of Washington! I think that the last straw was the angry woman who cut in line in front of me at the local Walgreens. That woman was so totally disrespectful to the end! to include following me to a bus stop then leaning OUT OF HER OWN CAR DOOR to scream more obscenities at me.

It boils down to this: I’m just tired of how I’m treated here! The racial hate that dates back to 2010 when I rode a bus out to a suburb to go to Tae Kwon Do and let me tell you it was the MOST traumatizing experience.

Then in 2017 there was an immigrant woman who SCREAMED, then KICKED, then PUNCHED my apartment door all the while SCREAMING RACIAL SLURS through my door! And if that wasn’t enough she further threatened with the following: She said “you don’t know who I know”. Which I took to mean that she knew dangerous gangs that could possibly harm me. I knew very well what she meant! And that really frightened me so much so that my landlord at the time allowed me to break my lease ( her idea BTW) and I moved out of my apartment within a months time but while that happened I carried a knife, taser, on my person in the event I would get attacked.

And you know all the years I’ve lived in Washington I’ve been treated worse than a dog! Dogs are treated better here. Discrimination runs so rampant here that it should be considered a disease. It’s endemic!

Unsure how I’ll go about doing any of this or where to start. I want to go to school & maybe live on campus. If I can’t do that than maybe live in the Oxford house a sober living home. I just don’t know at this time. I will not

disclose were I want to move. Nope. That’s a secret. All I know is that I sure do deserve to be happy because right now I’m absolutely miserable. I hate the miserable people, the crime, the miserable people. Looking forward to a welcoming community. This is new for me. Because I don’t know what I’m doing.

Let Me Clear Something UP Everyone

Hello, I’m writing this blog to clear something up with a reply I received. That was a reply to one of my blogs titled Good Friends Are Hard To Find.

The reply although well meaning kind of miffed me. Ladies & Gentlemen this is real life. This isn’t a TV sitcom of the show ‘Friends’ . It is very difficult to make friends & unfortunately one comes across nothing but toxic friends. I get really tired of the Pollyanna attitudes of some people when its complicated. Plain & simple I don’t like whiners people who complain about stuff & they do nothing about it PLEASE just go to see a professional to talk to. And I don’t like people who are verbally abusive & damn sure no one physically abusive. Try as I might I haven’t found good friends. I do attract toxic ones. And people you all really need to understand that there are a lot of people who have mean, evil streaks running through their bodies and they’re out there People who are SO MEAN that the late Josef Stalin would be envious. The kind who will think nothing about getting you in trouble. I mean I HAVE TO BE ON MY TOES for these cretins.

I always get bullied. I get discriminated against it has been happened for several years! So please spare me the open your heart to people because right now I need time to heal up this broken heart I mean it’s been through the shredder so much it will take awhile to heal. For those that don’t understand well then that’s too bad. Because this is the REAL WORLD 21st Century America.

Never Ending Disappointments Are Crippling me.

I am up sitting on my floor. I’m in my apartment it’s empty, lonely I’m sad. There was a woman I had house sat for for about 4 years watching her dogs. However since she was moving up the ladder of whatever job she was working for? She decides to move to Southeast with her grown Daughter. She wasn’t very nice about the whole thing she was distant & treated me no better than a potted plant (Thanks Woman for making me feel like dogmeat). I’m sure that she had some sort of going away party with her relatives of course I wasn’t invited. I tried to keep in touch. I’m very good with calling people however she couldn’t have been bothered.

Still I tried not to let it get to me & tried to get on with my life ( or lack thereof) the best I could. So one day this woman calls me up with her grown Daughter on the other line. I hear SO INFREQUENTLY from the Daughter that when she called I did not recognize her voice. Her & I really never connected on any level. It was pretty cold & distant. Her Mother comes onto the phone asking just as sweet ‘I want to ask if you could watch the dogs’ that soon changed to ‘I’m only taking 2 out of the 3 dogs’ the Mother asks me which dog should stay behind while she checks out her new home down in the Southeast. I gave her my advice. She was disrespectful of my advice & took all of her dogs.

I swear this woman flip flops like a pancake! Flaky, flaky, FLAKY. The flakey Mother who I thought was a friend then said to me that I was welcomed to come stay at her home while she was out of town.

So I get to her house and every piece of furniture is gone! It’s only the 10th of the month she doesn’t have to be out of her home until the 30th. Cable is disconnected so I have to bring my antenna. What anger me was the fact that she didn’t consider me to do a final cleaning of her home. I wanted to stay at her home because the apartment bldg. I live at was doing another inspection and I didn’t want to be at home. When you think you know someone & the person turns out to be the most evil WITCH! I guess money will do that! The affirmations of “I draw wealth to me” UGH! She also loves to worship Tony Robbins that big faced motivational speaker. ( who charges upwards of 5k for his seminars)

It ended badly! She was SO MEAN TO ME!! Daughter forgets her cell phone I’m asked to mail it back to her sending via the Uber driver. However the Woman didn’t handle her business & I simply handed over the cell phone to the Uber driver thinking that the Woman gave the DRIVER INSTRUCTIONS ON WHAT TO DO. The Bitch calls me & when she asks me if I told the driver to go to the UPS store and I said NO she yelled then HUNG UP THE PHONE! And well I hope she does awful! I will eventually get over this but it will take time. I’m not Jesus. This is why I don’t trust people. I’ve had former friends whine but this one takes the fucking cake! I deserve so much better everyone! This woman used to be my friend. Well I thought that she was my friend! Guess she never was. Nothing like finding out your friend is shallow like the day is long. And she has a spoiled Daughter. Ain’t life great everyone? ( it’s a sarcastic remark:(

Good Friends Are Hard To Find.

Aaah, Good Friends Are So Very Hard To Find!

And it’s true.   I’m at the local public library this morning.  Got up early.  I’m in a very nice suburb because for the most part I no longer feel safe going to some of the library branches.   So I decided to spend part of the day here.       

As I was taking the cab out to my favorite suburban library I passed a Econo-lodge were a former friend of mine had stayed.   She was an elderly woman who at the time she was 77 years old.    I helped her to find the Econo-lodge after she was kicked out of a Motel 6.     The brief back story about my former friend was she called me on my cell while I was at the library ( back in 2015) in a panic saying she was kicked out of her Motel.   I should explain that the elderly woman was homeless.   I told her no problem & I went to work on finding her a Motel for her since she wasn’t near a computer.   After some convincing on which area she wanted to go to I convinced her to give the Econo-lodge ( located right on Lake Washington) a try.     See I am a good friend but unfortunately I attract the wrong kind of friends.   The kind that are:

1.  Inconsiderate or thoughtless ( Usually I never get a phone call or anything)


2.  Abusive

So Susie ( not her real name) stayed at the Econo-lodge.    Susie had some problems mostly mental which I chose to overlook.   She was a huge hoarder.   I say this because by the time she had stayed her six months her motel room was completely filthy stacks of paper & what have you covering every square inch of her room which wasn’t that big and her car was filled to the brim with clutter & trash she rarely cleaned it having such a filthy car often got her rejected for part time jobs picking up other people’s children after school, one parent took one look inside of Susie’s car & said ‘No Thank you’  ( Do you blame her?)     We had a falling out , because I just couldn’t take her verbal abuse any longer.  It’s now been about 4 years since I last spoke to her & I don’t even know if she is even alive cause she was a pretty old woman.   It was real embarrassing to be around her at times.   An added note everyone that wants to judge, I did try to contact Susie when a potential employer wanted to speak to her. I never did hear back from Susie. I can only do so much but I’m vulnerable & deal with tremendous pain, both emotional, psychological. At some point I have to walk away so I don’t get myself into trouble. This woman? very toxic! And I did give her ample chances.

Once we went for Chinese food out in Renton she was extremely rude to the waitress.  Then after she ate her meal she licked her plate with her tongue.   I wanted to just crawl under the table, I was so embarrassed!

When I chose to stay at the exact same Econo-lodge one year, and I forgot why I needed to stay there I think that I was in between apartments I requested a room far from Susie’s room so that there wouldn’t be any chance that I would run into her.     I think that this was in 2016.  

The front desk attendant then explained to me that Susie was no longer a guest at the Econo-lodge which was a complete relief.    But there’s more.

One of the housekeepers took a few minutes to talk to me regarding Susie.

Upon checking out Susie left the room a complete & utter disaster!  The housekeeper had said that it took a few days or one week to get the room cleaned ( I’m vague about the time but it was long).   The housekeeper confided to me that she was so glad that she had that day off.    Despite how awful Susie was to me I still think about her especially when I pass that Econo-lodge.    I have another blog on another friendship lost (Woman rose up to make a high wage so I got treated like a dog)

But that will be for another blog folks.  My hands are cramping.   Include me in your prayers please cause this life of mine is pure torture!

Some Groups Love to throw around terms Like Bigotry Unsure If They Know What They’re Talking about.

I really have a deep seeded resentment of groups who love to throw around the term bigotry + hate especially when they’re shoving their own agenda down the throats of men, women, children.  

I’m sick of the perversion the changing up of the sexes especially men to women which is a mockery to those of us women born as such.    In this Country there exists a pandemic of misogyny the likes of which I’ve never seen in all of my years.    I really worry about my safety.   I’ve had other women show hatred for me in the form of:


Humiliation ( for something as minor as being a couple of minutes late to an orientation)

Cutting in line in front of me then when I speak up for myself told to “shut up”.

Having screamed hateful racial slurs at the top of their lungs mind you.

So I know this subject well.   This Country is shifting towards hate of the single woman & add a color to that woman than guess what??  Our life is hell on Earth!   Now it seems to me from many articles I’ve researched that actual women seem to be public enemy number one!   Women are mocked, hated.   It is now a fashionable ‘trend’ to go to get hormones shot  up to become a woman, go out in public to throw on a dress & YOU must address the cretin as a ‘SHE’.   Really?    So now I’m told how to think when someone is destroying what God gave them?    This whole notion of being born into the wrong body is HORSESHIT!    Give me a break!   I get disgusted !   Does anyone out there know just how enormously difficult it is to be a female living out here in the World on her own?    I do.   Because all through out my adult life I’ve been told that I’m not good enough, I received discrimination from agencies that were supposed to help people get on track but when it comes to the female I may as well be dogmeat!   From the years when I was in the military TRYING TO MAKE SOMETHING OF MY life having sexual remarks spew at me “I should be home barefoot & pregnant” to much worse.    To being told or implied that I’m no good & why because I’m a female!

I even receive hate from transgendered females!   I sure have!  

So listen up.   Keep your feelings to yourselves go seek out someone who will listen but I will never accept this.   I am a woman & proud of it.   If your confused there is a good old fashioned rememedy.

Just go to a hospital & talk to a shrink!   I have my own problems to deal with.   Thanks

Success in early life depends largely on HELP!

Sometime ago I wrote a blog about help & doors of opportunities opening for a young man who was homeless please take time to read it. One of the few blogs that had a great many views. I have another blog this one about a phenomenal young man graduated WestPoint in 2017. He is a Vietnamese 2nd generation immigrant raised by a single parent, came from humble beginnings. I’ve watched a few of his blogs called The Thomas Vlogs. Thomas did attend a regular college then went into the Army as an enlisted man however someone did help walk him through the process of entering WestPoint because everyone when your really young & there isn’t anyone helping you, trying to apply to get into College is extremely CONFUSING! Doesn’t matter how much potential you may have, or how smart you are without the right kind of support your just doomed & you never get out of the starting gate!

Thomas had help that came in the form of a high ranking Major who walked him through the entire process and Thomas was accepted thus beginning his career in the Army.

Thomas after graduation went on to become the United States Military Academy admissions officer of the Southeast region an extremely important position. His interview video can be seen on YouTube.

I can’t stress enough how important it is to NOT neglect our youth. Help them to reach their potential. I never had support nor help, sadly I was neglected which in itself is a CRIME! I mean I’m making goals but with just me doing all the leg work its a very slow climb! I have NO ONE really giving me any attention. I don’t much like it but I have to keep pressing forward. It does suck however and if you’ve read any of my blogs you’d know why.

I’m hoping for college entry next year with a scholarship. I have plans and I don’t know if I can do it but I have to try.

See, when someone GUIDES you can achieve! As an added note and it will not be popular with some of you out there but I have to call it as I see it. And that is that there is some definite BIAS among African American women. Young women especially. I can remember while I served in the U.S. Army I was a very bright young intelligent young woman. It seems to me now looking back all those years ago that the only thing the other soldiers saw in me was someone to have sex with or a young stupid young woman. I was there! I was verbally abused by a junior liutenanant her name was Grey. I was called stupid among all kinds of stuff. And it seemed that I was NOT wanted in the military! Definite discrimination, oh yeah. Looks of contempt, being talked down to like I was nothing more than an average dog. Let me say as a 19 year old that really did cut deep into my psyche. The discrimination & sexism really do need to stop! I didn’t have anyone that I felt that I could reach out to. I was scared so scared of the retaliation. And another reason? No one took me seriously because I was a young woman. I will share one of the many degrading things that I heard coming out of the mouths of some of the both young & older enlisted ( ignorant) male soldiers. That women belong in a kitchen barefoot & pregnant! And! I heard much WORSE! Now you tell me something, how would THAT MAKE YOU FEEL as a young woman just 2 years out of high school , trying to find out WHO YOU ARE IN THE WORLD?? I’ll tell you.

Like SHIT!