How I Lost My Faith With My Fellow Human Beings.

Human beings.

They’re something else aren’t they?  They come in many shapes,sizes,colors.

Well, I’ve lost faith in my fellow man,women,child too.

See, I’m African American,female and I feel polarized,outcast, and that no one in this World gives a good goddamned about me.

I’ve good reason to feel this way.

See, as a little girl I’ve attended the ever awful public school system only to be:

Ignored

Neglected

And expected to perform below par of my fellow students

Teachers were lazy & incompetent.

I receive zero attention.

Then I graduate from High School miracle of miracles and I join the good old United States Army.  And its in the Army I feel that I will get guidance,structure,displine.

What I got instead was lots of verbal abuse that questioned my intelligence usually by one junior grade officer who went by Lt. Gray I don’t give a shit about using her name since she didn’t give a shit on how she treated me.  Shit the way I saw it Lt. Gray had it all.  A college degree, a career but she still wanted to torment me.

And there were other abuses I suffered while I served in the good old military. But    no one cared.

So I get out & go back home I move in with Mom, and she doesn’t want me there.  Why? because she is selfish and doesn’t care.  Add to the mood swings & what you have is a combustible situation.

By now I’m ill prepared for civilian life.  I so wish I would have did things differently.  Getting out of the Army was a good decision, because the Army SUCKED!   I just should have done things differently.   It would have been nice to have had a supportive family but I didn’t.  So I was basically adrift.  I didn’t want to be, but that’s how it turned out.  I’m not particularly proud of that.  It’s not something I would have preferred, I wanted to have a family to go to in times of support, but the people concerned were so damned self centered that if my hair were on fire & I stood in front of them that they would absent mindedly give me gasoline to put it out.

That’s how clueless my Mom & Dad (who divorced when I was 2 living in separate states Dad remarried, Mom seeing her off again on again boyfriend) were.

Abuse, being told that I would amount to nothing, being told I was stupid, then having no one believe in me, well my life really hit the skids.

It’s particularly devastating to go through life ignored or going through life & your the butt of jokes or going through life & your bullied, humiliated after a while especially when you’ve gone through years & years of this you get REAL DEPRESSED!  You give up & stop believing anyone is nice.

I don’t like people now, I just don’t.

After the racial hate crime that happened which I wrote about on here which is called PTSD Aug 6, 2010 I don’t trust no goddamned  one.  I don’t know just how long I’ll feel this way, it will take a real live nice human being to convince me otherwise.   I really miss how I used to be, I miss that person.   However I am thinking of getting either a small dog or cat.  That will really go a long way to help me out of my ever increasing depression.   Remember you all who read this: Depression is a very real illness, when you encounter nothing but hostility it feels like your constantly being kicked in your gut.  Understand?  What I really need is a miracle.  Perhaps it isn’t too late to believe that it could happen for me.  I sure hope so.

So by now I ‘m reaching out but not expecting anything.  I’ve learned not to.  Plenty of disappointment has marred my life.  Once I was trusting,believed in my fellow man, I was positive & saw only good things.  Now its an absolute struggle.  Now I don’t even look forward to waking up in the morning.

I would like so much to get support.

But I won’t hold my breath cause I know that you all out there could care less.

C-YA

Post Script: March 15, 2013 I’ve noticed by my stats I’ve gotten over 400 views but no comments to encourage me to hang in there.  I’m disappointed!  You can read I’m struggling but no comments.   *sigh*  seems like I was right.  this post is not a work of fiction everyone, to me posting is not just entertainment. Posting on here is a matter of life & Death.  Thanks a lot fellow human beings…..NOT!   😦

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Published by: The Lonely Shepard

Me: I grew up in an extremely abusive & disadvantaged family environment were both parents were really immature & their relationship messy! I was abducted by my Father at age 8 abused physically, mentally, degraded by his 2nd Wife, and I didn't see my Mother again until 4 years later, I had to risk my neck + my life to run off to seek help with the local police & this was way before there was any such laws on the books for child abuse. Think on that awhile. Had learning disabilities all throughout school by the time I graduated I learned nothing, was prepared for nothing out in the World. Think on that. Joined the United States Army right out of High School only reason I did join was that at the time there was an Army recruiter right on the High School campus & he took an interest in me. So I joined. I was really in over my head. But what else could I do? I lived with a single Mom who was emotionally unstable & I had ZERO support from anyone including the school staff + administrators. The military was hard & degrading to me as a woman but I got out with an honorable discharge. More about me: A series of dead end jobs, my mind was totally a mess after I got out of the Army, still had no support not even from the Veterans admin. My journey has been a total nightmare of: trying to find out about myself, learning about myself, how to live as an adult, all with no help. Now after long , and intensive filled journey I'm trying to get back on track with my life I want to go to school with the hope of one day attending University. I don't wish my journey on anyone. No one gave me guidance: as a child as a teen as a young adult I was all on my own! and it was real lonely , isolating, extremely frightening. Family? don't really have any. Now remember everyone I'm African American & I receive little to no respect I don't even warrant a speeding car that will slow down. "The person who sang the National Anthem sang the last note so high that no could reach it! That was intentional!" Belize from Tony Kushners play Angels In America.

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