Meeting or Making Friends? Kind Of A Nightmare For Me.

Hello all who read thanks for taking time from whatever your doing to read my blog. 

My blog is about trying to meet people.  I’ve been around a very long time, I’ve traveled a lot in my earlier adult years, served in the Military which wasn’t easy being female not one bit.  I’ve a wealth of life experience which have gone a long way to build my character.  I don’t possess a College degree but hey its never too late to do that, I’m still a work in progress on that one.  Fell through the cracks in the Public school system.  Yeah, it truly sucked!  I can say with all honesty & bluntness for which I’m now known that those Teachers I had just didn’t give a damn about me & other kids who struggled not only with school but with what was going on at home.  And I’ve got to say it drained me of any self esteem I might have had, once I barely graduated High school I was ill prepared mentally,psychologically for the real world I was to encounter.

So, fast forward to my adulthood…..I’m absolutely LOST!   I had no identity I sure couldn’t count on my Parents much in the support department cause they were too self involved & inept to put it simply.   A close knit family would have went a very long way to help me get through those very grueling,tough,callous years of meeting all the wrong kinds of friends or people only to be feeling more lost & empty along with trying to find my way in the World.

It was absolutely difficult, and I had no support or help whatsoever. What I did get was a lot of ridicule,bullying,humiliation and throughout it all the people in question just had no regard to my feelings whatsoever!  Yes, it is a cold & callous world we live in.   Little by little my self esteem, my personality really did deteriorate

When I would try to establish myself with mostly the women I was often treated with:

Abuse

Judged harshly on: What I wore, what TV shows I watched ( You watch THAT TV show? spoken with contempt)

Or for the most part the women I met just didn’t give a damn what I thought or felt I was just merely tolerated or I was used to serve THEIR needs.  My needs were about as high a priority as a pot hole that the City never gets around to fixing.    Now I have a zero tolerance for anyone who treats me this way today.   And in the previous years its not as though  I let anyone treat me in this way its just that I just didn’t know any better I never had anyone:Mother,Father,any kind of mentor SHOW ME any other way or give me advice, suggestions, guidance about how the World works or that I would even encounter such people like I did.  I was real desperate for acceptance I really tried hard to fit in so I wouldn’t end up like I am today which is real lonely with no friends.    I would get out there but often I would strike out with not even so much as a base hit with people.

And I didn’t have anyone teach me HOW!  NO one it seemed to me wanted to be bothered WITH ME!   I was  being ignored,neglected, and not asked how I felt & the only way I was paid attention to at home? Was when the Mom was upset about something wrong with HER so I would be on the receiving end of her abuse.  No Father around he lived in another State with his Wife.   Now before any of you accuse me of blame, I want to let you know that being verbally,psychologically abused DOES MESS WITH YOUR MIND.  And I had absolutely no support or help.   The years I lived with my Mom in my teens positively suck!

I did for a little while in the 80’s meet some great guy friends all gay & a fantastic bunch.  However one by one they passed away from disease, committed suicide, drug overdose or they would meet someone special so …well you know how that goes slowly but surely they would disappear off the face of the Earth.   I had one good friend move to Las Vegas determined to be the next big celebrity of some kind for whatever reason He thought that Las Vegas was the answer and he could live the dream.

My buddy took me to dinner, we saw a movie and by the evenings end he promised to keep in touch.     Now the address I had resided at the time I was there for four years and I never heard from him again.  I remember I did call him at the number that he said he would be staying at.   However when I called which was not real long after he left I was told by an unfriendly male voice who didn’t bother to say his name, he told me that my friend no longer lived there and that was that I hung up.

Being gay is even more difficult too.  It sucks because as a single woman no one will talk to you treating you as if your a criminal just out of prison.   It feels like your stigmatized and you haven’t even done anything wrong, but there it is that big fat stigma, “OH NO, You mean to say your single”?

The general overall opinion among the gays is this: “Whats wrong with you”?  “Your single”.  As if that is any crime.   Correct me if I’m wrong but doesn’t everyone start out single to begin with?  All of a sudden we live in a world that’s like Noah’s Ark.

Two by two.   I feel that this is really unfair.   Its a bit of lazy thinking because anyone with half a brain needs to realize that its just not easy making,meeting or being just accepted.   A society completely dumbed down & one dimensional.

It’s like people have a prejudice of people who are single.   That sucks!   I mean I would love to meet a great person & marry I’d like nothing better but it does take time everyone, just so you understand that.   I like everyone else want a great person with with which to share my life so that means I must be selective & more important careful because the last thing I want is someone controlling, someone who has real serious issues that their not dealing with (I’m not anyone’s therapist or Mother) or someone who has so much baggage they’re looking to me as their savior…well let me enlighten you…No!   It has taken me 30 years to get to where I’m at now which is somewhat good to go but I have a lot of work to do.

So far the only ones that seem to get attracted to me are too aggressive these are the types that try to sit next to you, stare at you making you feel uncomfortable, or they are hostile with  no manners or class, or there are the needy types.   I really hate needy because those types can never be fulfilled since they don’t know how to look within for everything they need.   I’ve even had the psycho types, I’ve also been followed, had a person just show up at my door TWICE and I didn’t know her that well at all but somehow she snuck through the security door & just came on up to my place!  OMG!

I’ve always had a proactive style to my approach to how I get things done, whether that might be trying to talk or meet with people but I always seem to come up empty in that area, for the most part what I’ve encountered in my experiences is this: the women never seem interested or they have this guilty look saying to me “Well I’m already spoken for or whatever the reason, but now I’m tired, as much as I’ve tried no one really gives a damn or pays me any attention.  Now  I only want to focus on ME!  I’m trying to learn a trade, then once that’s done learn that trade some more attending more schooling out of the state where I currently live.   I hate it here where I currently live, it’s natives pretty much treat one another no better than well an inanimate object which is to say these locals are pretty frigid & unfriendly you need a blow torch to get these folks to thaw & I’ve lived here for some time.

No, I’ll just keep to myself and try to plan for the Future.  I really don’t see any love in my horizon and that’s fine, I don’t like it but I’ve accepted it.

I’ll get a dog instead.

That’s all for now.

I just needed to get this off my chest

Because its just damn important to ME!  And although YOU may not think so I don’t care.     Cause I’m all that matters in this Fucked up society.

Thanks for reading!

Advertisements

Published by: The Lonely Shepard

Me: I grew up in an extremely abusive & disadvantaged family environment were both parents were really immature & their relationship messy! I was abducted by my Father at age 8 abused physically, mentally, degraded by his 2nd Wife, and I didn't see my Mother again until 4 years later, I had to risk my neck + my life to run off to seek help with the local police & this was way before there was any such laws on the books for child abuse. Think on that awhile. Had learning disabilities all throughout school by the time I graduated I learned nothing, was prepared for nothing out in the World. Think on that. Joined the United States Army right out of High School only reason I did join was that at the time there was an Army recruiter right on the High School campus & he took an interest in me. So I joined. I was really in over my head. But what else could I do? I lived with a single Mom who was emotionally unstable & I had ZERO support from anyone including the school staff + administrators. The military was hard & degrading to me as a woman but I got out with an honorable discharge. More about me: A series of dead end jobs, my mind was totally a mess after I got out of the Army, still had no support not even from the Veterans admin. My journey has been a total nightmare of: trying to find out about myself, learning about myself, how to live as an adult, all with no help. Now after long , and intensive filled journey I'm trying to get back on track with my life I want to go to school with the hope of one day attending University. I don't wish my journey on anyone. No one gave me guidance: as a child as a teen as a young adult I was all on my own! and it was real lonely , isolating, extremely frightening. Family? don't really have any. Now remember everyone I'm African American & I receive little to no respect I don't even warrant a speeding car that will slow down. "The person who sang the National Anthem sang the last note so high that no could reach it! That was intentional!" Belize from Tony Kushners play Angels In America. If you've read this far I will leave my email in case you want to leave me a msg. Those that are rude will get deleted immediately. Contact: Yogibeara425@hushmail.com

Categories Uncategorized