I Know All About The Dark Side Of Human Nature.

Do you want to know why I write these blogs?   I do it to bring attention to just how badly I’ve been treated in life!   I’m honest, I don’t bullshit.   I’ve suffered ALOT at the hands of other people.   I wished I would garner more traffic to my site because I do have a story to tell, I’ve suffered practically MY WHOLE LIFE, I’ve never really had anyone give me kindness except my Mom’s & real recently?  My new landlord.

I had the idea of what to blog by going to one of my followers who is following my blog & right  away I was real glad that this person decided to talk about ADHD.   I have it.   I was the shame of my family.   I was labeled:

A dummy, I was called stupid as a young kid & in 2005 as an ADULT!  by another adult woman (too bad I didn’t smack her!)   Teachers didn’t care about me, I suppose they figured I was a lost cause, I’m not entirely sure but they sure they were full of apathy & it showed!    All I’ve known was real ignorant & extremely MEAN people.  Rarely if ever were people nice to me.   I say this because I want it validated I’m not looking for sympathy I just want love & validation.   That’s all I want.   Because I’ve suffered, real badly.   I felt every day of my life that someone would slowly kill me & my spirit.  And do you know when this happens enough times ladies & gentlemen?  Your soul is EXTERMINATED!  It can happen, it does happen.   What then happens could be as varied as the tortured soul:  crime, drugs, prison, possibly even DEATH!   I’m angry that I’ve been treated so abominably over the years.  Although I knew that society isn’t fair?  the scales of justice really stink when your a person of color struggling with a disability!  I wish I were making it up but unfortunately I’m being real about this, and dammit I want some attention!  All through school it was a nightmare.   At a very young age I was forced to leave my Mother to go live with a stranger known as Father.  I was forced to live with this man & his remarried Wife & was she GROSS!   That was the downward spiral.   I did not learn to tell time until I was 9 years old, didn’t learn how to tie my shoes until I was 9.   I was cursed at, threatened, people screamed then pulled their hair, even shed tears of frustration, all because they were trying to tutor me & I was not understanding anything.   So in the adults mind I was doing all this on purpose!    I was labeled lazy, compared to the kid next door who was as smart as a whip!   And I was on a constant basis told I wouldn’t amount to anything.

Now when a child is told this as I was it basically sets up a child to fail.  I was literally screwed up for many years to come.   I had problems with drugs, drank heavily, nearly died a few times with suicide attempts.   Unfortunately, I wasn’t blessed to meet anyone who had even a half way decent personality who would care.   Its the truth.    Basically I’m tired of being kicked around like this, I’m tired of being ignored, I’m tired of being told that I “have limitations”  How about I show you my limited fist to your jaw??   If one more person makes a comment about my intelligence I’ll go Ralph Cramden of the Honeymooners & land one right in the kisser!

I don’t deserve such negative stereotypes!   Its bad enough I get the occasional racial slur so now you must attack my intelligence?   Its times like these that I wish dueling would come back.  Back in 16th century America colonial times when you insulted a persons character it would be ten paces with pistols.   I’m sick of the way I am treated.  I want respect, I deserve respect, I want to be talked to like a HUMAN BEING!  I do have feelings everyone!   And I hurt just like anyone else!   Feel free to pass along my message.   I am SOMEBODY.  So quit acting so hateful.    The way I’m treated is so unacceptable.  I hope this will get better!

Lets Talk About Those Martial Arts Schools

My reason for signing up for martial arts is simple.  I want to learn how to defend myself in a World were the crime is increasing, criminals are multiplying in record numbers, law abiding citizens seem to me are collateral damage.   I also wanted to sign up for martial arts to help with my self esteem.  My life is difficult I have few friends if any and whenever I wake up & leave my apartment for whatever reason its like walking on a remote desert planet similar to the Will Smith movie where he is on isolated Earth roaming it all alone.   I signed on with what I thought was a good martial arts school.   Since I receive no help or cannot consult with anyone in my family I had to choose the martial arts school off the internet. Of course I had no idea what I was doing.   This school I’ll call Acme since I don’t want to get into trouble in case the instructor accidentally comes across the post.  For awhile after I signed on with Acme I thought that I had found a great school.  But after about six months maybe a year I noticed that the instructor was somewhat of a narcissist.   This instructor was really into her own ego basically walked around like she was the King with the rest of her class lowly subjects something I found disturbing.   For this instructor it was all about getting more students signed up to come to her school.  My assumptions its so that the more students sign up the more money that comes into the Instructors school.  

On another occasion the Instructor would make the same announcement over & over at the end of the training lessons that when we got home go on a local website to vote her school as the best of Washington, it was for a local award which is in several categories this one was for the best martial arts school.   I began noticing other things that bothered me.  It seemed to me that the Instructor was being somewhat elitist amongst her students similar to how some public school teachers single out those students that the Teacher may favor.  The Instructor would hand pick certain students “to train” to go to certain competitions.   A sort of “clicque” would form amongst the students were they only talked amongst themselves ignoring everyone else.  I saw something similar, it was when I was going to High School.   

When you attend a Martial Arts School it doesn’t mean that you won’t run into someone that isn’t a bigot.   There was a female I’ll call her Jane I was paired off to spar with her sparring is when you practice what you’ve learned on another partner.  I love sparring.

This particular person “Jane” did not like me.  Jane is what you would call passive aggressive.   While we were sparring there were rules.   One is that you don’t hit or kick below the belt nor are you supposed to make any contact anywhere on the head.   My sparring partner Jane would deliberately hit me right on top of my head.  The students are required to wear protective head gear, there is only one exposed part on the head gear, that is on the top of the head.  This woman would hit me right on top of the head not once but twice!   I said to her “Knock it off” referring to the illegal hits that Jane was doing.   What happened next seemed a new low, we continue to spar remember I’m a beginner in Tae Kwon Do so I’m not exactly at a black belt level, I make a kick that touched no where near Jane when all of a sudden Jane bends over & starts to scream then cry about how she is badly hurt.   Give this woman an academy award!  Clearly she had been faking the whole thing.   This upset me as I know what she was doing.  No one else meaning the other students seem to see anything awry.   Jane was given all sorts of sympathy which is what Jane was counting on I’m sure so that she would garner some kind of attention.

The Instructor just didn’t want to get involved.   Clearly I had signed on to one dysfunctional martial arts school.   But that’s not all.  I grew real disillusioned with this school and very unhappy.   I emailed complaints to the martial arts instructor herself.

So to make a long story short when I said I wanted to terminate my contract which was 3/4 of the way over she had me sit with her & her assistant instructor and basically verbally humiliated me.  If that wasn’t bad enough I was treated like a criminal I was escorted to clean out my locker then personally escorted to the door!

Finding a good martial arts school is tricky!  You’ve got to avoid the egotistical Instructor and they’re a dime a dozen in the business.   I haven’t trained since that day but I want to get back into training.  What I’ve done is gone into a different direction.  This time I’ve chosen a non profit school were the only objective is NOT to treat students like potential cash cows coming into the school & were training is highly prioritized.  I’ve yet to visit the school I’ve chosen waiting until I get settled into an apartment that I’m moving into.   I’ve decided on a local karate school, there are no contracts, and hopefully no ego’s among the instructors.   You know since I have no one in my immediate family to help me, my Mom pretty much lives a sedentary lifestyle for many a decade so she is no option, I have no siblings, Dad has been gone for 7 years now so I have to do the best I can to do research all on my own my only help is the internet and whatever I can learn from the webpage.   Training for me is real important I don’t have much else going on in my life and I would love to learn a lifelong martial arts, also I can never have enough self esteem.  I simply have no one else around who can do that.  Not family, not a significant other.  No one.

My advice when your looking into a martial arts school avoid those that want you to sign a contract.   Avoid those schools were the instructor acts like they were born to be special, treating the students like lowly peasants.   Most times you don’t know the real score about a school until you actually take lessons.   I feel that a martial arts school should be non profit at least this tells me that they are not out to bleed you dry.   I still get just a little bit angry over how I was treated at the last school I attended for close to a year, it was awful how I was treated.   That instructor was one big bully who did whatever she wanted after all she did own the school.  I feel that this instructor let that get to her head!  Avoid schools such as these.  Of course ask a lot of questions about the school & the instructors to get a better feel about what your getting yourself into.  Then think about it for a few weeks before making any final decision. In fact do some comparison shopping among the martial arts schools to get the most for your money find out as much as you can about the instructors getting as much as you can on them.  Talk to current & former students check out any reviews on Yelp.com if possible to find out how the martial arts school rates.  I just didn’t know much about these kinds of schools so I made some mistakes.

Now I know better and I know what to look for in a school, and what questions to ask.  Something I simply didn’t know before.  Mistakes are the only way to learn.   I’ll be keeping you posted on my progress at the new school I’ve got great potential even if I am the only one who knows it.

Resentment Towards The Public School System!

I’m at a time in life where I must decide about my future. Throughout my entire life, no one has helped me.  Not Teachers, not my Mother although she had some strong mental/emotional issues, not the local employment centers I went to after I left the military.   I am deciding to attend community college I want to go into engineering.   Getting to this point in my life, has been enormously arduous, took a lot of looking inward which isn’t easy when all you’ve been told was “your stupid”  or worse your being totally disregarded like you don’t even matter.   Oh yes!  And its not just me, it happens I’ll bet every single day at public schools across the country. There is a definite bias of kids who do real well & ones that are struggling and I was in the latter of the group.   When I went to school the Teachers were at times abusive, played favorites with certain students with impunity, and would seem just bored with even their jobs.  I would often think to myself “Hey idiot teacher why bother in the first place”?  But when your a lowly student you can’t talk to a Teacher like that.   One student not that long ago did talk back on a Teachers lack of passion while she was teaching a history lesson if I had to surmise the teacher in question probably taught the lesson with such indifference she might have put some of her students to sleep, I’ve seen that happen when I attend school.   I don’t remember the city where it took place.  I had read this on Yahoo & one of the students who is a young male with long hair took a stand while another student recorded the moment on their iPhone.  The video went viral & you can see it …were else?  YouTube of course! But I slightly digress.    Former President Bush had passed a bill when he was in office called the No Child Left Behind Act.  Now I’m a Democrat, I don’t care much for President Bush, but you know what?  That was the one & only thing I did like about him was this bill.   At least the former President was paying some attention about the serious plight of the American public school system & its children who for the most part come from poor & often times abusive family backgrounds.  However, we must do more than only just insuring that no child is left behind , we must insure children  ACTUALLY have an understanding of what they’re being taught before they can be promoted to the next grade.   What isn’t acceptable is total apathy from our Teachers , indifference shown to the children in the classroom,  cheating students  out of their constitutional right to a quality education . Kids require so much more because what will happen once they get out into the real World?      Children need guidance althroughout their school years!   Didn’t happen for me I’ll say that!   I came from severe abuse so guess what?  That same scared young girl was severely withdrawn who was even too afraid most times to even speak up & participate in the classroom.   I developed severe depression so much so I completely lost interest, lost hope of ever being anyone in life add to that a learning disability which labeled me stupid, and I thought I actually was because when I went to school no one knew of leaning disability you were either smart, average, or dumb.  I had already witnessed severe violence, I was often beaten with various items all throughout the childhood that by the time I reached Middle & High Schools I would wish that I ceased to live on the Earth I was by then damaged goods thinking that I was no good for anything!  And that ladies & gentlemen was what put the lid on my coffin so to speak on getting a quality education.  That & a LACK of some sort of an intervention to help pull me out of a pit of despair to a level where I could be pulling down some good grades.  Back when I was attending High School in the 70’s  the school administrators didn’t seem too keen on actually getting to know a good majority of the students although some got special attention like the jocks, cheerleaders, the brainiacs, and the more outgoing types.   I wasn’t in any of those categories.   The High School principal who would stand outside of her office between getting to classes wouldn’t even speak to any of the passing students.  Even as young as I was I could sense an aloofness about her.

I only just barely graduated by the skin of my teeth back when the school district was so extremely lax!   Pretty sad indeed!  Imagine getting cheated out of a quality education that should be afforded to EVERYONE!  Sure did happen to me.   It was bad for me.

As a teen I shared a  home with an unstable Mother who when she wasn’t screaming or cursing at me, would come home from work, fix herself a bowl of cereal then go right up to her bedroom where she would stay the rest of the night.   I had no idea what was going on with her.  I was 16 and we had just moved into a new house.

After I graduated High School I did enlist in the Army…and it was a horrible enlistment I’ll post on another blog in the near future.   After my enlistment I bounced around from job to job to job.  The low self esteem following me around wherever I went.  No one helped or encouraged me, in fact I was put to shame by everyone because of my own life not being ON TRACK!  The majority of people whom I knew expected me to just “KNOW” how to get my act together.  I got very little empathy there.  I mean, everyone has a different life’s journey so it stands to reason that some of us are not at the same place in life like we’d like to be.   What is wrong with certain people that this philosophy is just not understood?  I am struggling so stop with all the judgemental treatment will you!  How about some encouragement PLEASE!  That’s all I ask.   Please stop with all the contempt & the looking down your nose at me.  Please!

It has been such a tremendous & painful road for me.   I didn’t even realize that I had mental disorders I went undiagnosed throughout most of my life!  Why?  well when no one pays you any attention how would you know?  I went through life totally invisible everyone!  I wasn’t diagnosed until many years later through the Dept of Social & health services.   And that led to a some more years of trying to get properly diagnosed by more doctors, taking tests, trying to find therapy which by the way everyone is like trying to find the needle in a haystack my experiances at times were really humiliating!

But what I’m trying to say is without a really good educational foundation?  Your going to be LOST  in a World that doesn’t care whether you’ve obtained a substandard education   You’ll enter  a World that will chew you up!

In memory of Jaime Escalante.  Mr Escalante taught for several years at Garfield High School East Los Angeles California a predominantly working class Hispanic area.  He led the charge determined to teach those students math skills leading all the way to Calculus with the majority taking the Calculus AP exam.  These students were considered unreachable even illiterate by some of the schools administration.  These kids came from backgrounds with barriers as most were poor, lived in high crime areas, or single parent homes.     How I wished I had a teacher like him when I was in school.  He taught from 1970’s through 2001.    A movie is based on him called “Stand & Deliver” .  Teachers you need to follow Mr Escalantes example!  That man is a rarity in the public school system.

Great teachers like Mr. Escalante can make all the difference in a young persons life.

So Seattle Didn’t Get A Basketball Team…Big Deal

So Seattle didn’t get its basketball team, big deal!  To me having a pro team should be low on the priority list of things for Seattle.   It’s just not something that is needed.  Seattle needs funding for its financially sagging public bus transportation service called Metro.   Why not petition to get the 75 million dollars needed to keep Metro Transit running so there is no danger of reducing or cutting out bus services altogether!  And when I mean bus routes being cut or reduced I don’t mean just a few, the bus routes are numerous.  When I saw a rider alert at a local transit center the routes in danger of being cut were so many it looked like an extremely long math problem.  Row upon row of routes.   And Seattle is worried getting a stupid basketball team from Sacremento?  Give me a F**king break will you!   It must be nice to have millions upon millions of dollars all ready to spend on a stupid team.   Nice to see that the city has its priorities in place…..NOT!   Then your watching TV & you’ll see all these folks to include those in the news media whining about not obtaining this team for Seattle.   I for one am glad that the team didn’t come to Seattle.   For me Seattle has better things to worry about like the financial deficit which this town can’t seem to get out of , I mean 75 million dollars to fund the public transportation system.  How did it get so bad?   I’ll tell you its because the city can’t manage its money choosing to invest millions for an over the top art deco public library that wasn’t necessary, over extending itself by building a light rail which doesn’t even go all over the city but only runs from the airport to downtown!   All this city is good for is pure ego!  But hey it could be worse.   I could be living in Detroit.   Way to go Seattle 😦

Are You In Therapy?

Hi Everyone,

This is a question that I get asked from time to time.

I have to say it is the most frustrating question & sometimes?  I just want to scream at these people.   Let me put this as bluntly as I can alright?  Finding therapy everyone is NOT easy.

With all of my numerous traumas which could fill practically the entire library of Congress I find most of the therapists just don’t understand where I’m coming from.

Just today I got a return call from a local Seattle therapist who shall remain nameless and he was acting just like a horses ass towards me.  This therapist I’ll call him Steve was an absolute jerk.   Steve was impatient, rude, curt & it seemed to me real angry.  Steve just did not understand ANY of my life struggles.  Instead what Steve did was make me feel ashamed that I was struggling in life.   Now is that any kind of way for a therapist to act?  Then Steve impatiently gave me some useless referrals one of those was a woman who primarily does leadership coaching which was not even remotely geared towards mental health  NOT real helpful for me.  apparently I feel he just wanted me out of his hair.  I’m still angry with him, so I will never call this jerk again.  With my mental illness & the multiple traumas that I’ve faced & the hardships I still face today I feel that finding a caring, compassionate therapist is such an impossible if not daunting task!  I’ve just not been successful in my search for good quality therapy.   Let me share an example, I’ve had therapists nearly fall asleep on me.   I almost want to say “Gee, I’m sorry but am I boring you”?  Are my troubles that dull?   Most I believe just do not care which is pretty vexing to say the least.  I mean why go into being a mental health therapist in the first place?   Steve the impatient therapist was impatient with me all but yelling at me to find somewhere to volunteer.

Steve was like “Why don’t you try the Israeli apartheid group”?  Well I wanted to say, perhaps it’s because I don’t  know all that much about that group?   Then when I was trying to explain how difficult my life has been Steve seemed even more impatient with me saying that it will be hard to find community to meet all your needs.   Whatever the hell that meant.  Steve went on to say that I am in a difficult position.    Really Steve? well thank you for pointing that out, otherwise I sure wouldn’t have ever found that out! (sarcastic)   That is why I’m seeking a therapist! Can’t say I like the man after all of his less than sensitive nature.   And this GUY IS A THERAPIST?  I’d like to meet his clients, I hope that they don’t find themselves jumping off the nearest bridge cause his bedside manner leaves a lot to be desired.  This search for quality therapy is wearing me out.  I’m not even sure if I should even continue nearly all of the therapists are either condescending or give shitty counseling what with all the money I’ve wasted.   Rip off con artists the lot of them.   Thank God I have decent coping skills cause you know what everyone?  My ass sure should be in jail, on drugs, or any of the other horrors that happen to women of color who run into NUMEROUS barriers to get decent mental health help.

This goes out to you mental health counselors:  The people who seek out your help are NOT stupid so quit treating us like we are.   Also all you therapists you all need to LISTEN & help us out!   Why oh why do you so called therapist act this obtuse?  Is it deliberate?

Also we that seek out your help are HUMAN BEINGS WITH REAL FEELINGS, so quit acting like your all superior.   Everyone out there?  I’ve tried to find help for a good number of years and ,  I don’t seem to have anyone in my corner that will help me!   It’s elementary, middle, and high school all over again!  No one wanted to help me then either.  Same as when I entered adulthood no one wanted to be bothered, was extremely judgemental, and basically treated me with contempt.   All because I suffer from mental illness & I’m not on par with how an adult should live i.e. the house, a significant other, tons of friends and happily ever after.   Well I do the best that I can so I don’t apologize for my illness.   I did not ask for this to happen to me but when I try to help myself & all I get is:

Impatience

rudeness

contempt

Then I have to wonder if I’ll ever trust  anyone ever again.  My hope is fading FAST people!

How am I expected to heal when all I get is basically impertinent & rude therapist who won’t help me.

Just isn’t fair.

Everyone getting good mental health treatment is important for us all.   Ever wonder why the World is in such trouble?     I didn’t ask for all the trauma so I know that it is up to me to find a way to live the American dream.  To get that I need help with all that has happened to me.  The problem is in finding the RIGHT help for me.

And I’m doing this all by myself.

Mothers Day

Mothers Day,

For me that day means so much to me!

Mom & I have not had it easy.

By that I mean that when I was a wee young child

of 8 years of age I was smack dab in the middle of a very

nasty custody battle.  The folks involved?  Why Mom & Dad

of course.   The parents split when I was 2.   I won’t go into

the reasons for that, its personal.

My Father who is now deceased was pretty much a bastard

when he was alive.   Mom remarried shortly after the divorce so I grew

up believing that Mom’s Husband no. 2 was my Dad.

Then one day Dad just strolls onto the school grounds during recess time

to announce that he was my Dad.   He did this a couple of more times scaring the hell out of me.  One time I ran from him & he chased me all over the playgroud with me screaming the whole time.

Could he have been more of an idiot?

Make a long story short I was court ordered

to stay with the Dad & his remarried Wife whom

I did not know.  Total stranger.

No one seemed to care what I was going through either

I got into trouble, I was denied any type of calls to Mom

nor was I encouraged to call her.  One time in my childhood, it was not long after I was forcibly taken away from my Mother, the Step Mother & I were home alone in the duplex her my Father & their adoptive newborn lived.  It was a Saturday my Father was out at his office.  I had wanted to call my Mother.  I was 8 or 9 years old.  The Step Mother was against it.  I didn’t care I wanted to call my Mother.  What happened?  when I tried to reach for the living room phone on the stand the Step Mother then  got up off the sofa ran & slammed the phone down, we were physically wrestling on the floor so I wouldn’t call my Mother.  MY MOTHER!

What I resorted to was sneaking phone calls to my Mother late at night when everyone else was sleeping in their beds.   What I would do was call the operator & have them look up Mom & her Husband in the phone book  what followed was I got found out & a lock was placed on the rotary phone dial preventing me from calling my Mom.  Oh yeah these people just did not care one lick!  I write about this because even now it makes me angry.   And no I haven’t forgiven either one of them for this.  As far as I’m concerned this was inhumane as well as unacceptable!

And, on another occasion when Mom did show up unannounced at the residence where Dad, 2nd Wife & myself lived Dad forcibly held me down on the bed in my bedroom not allowing me to go & see Mom all the while Mom was pounding on the front door.   This is the first time I have talked about this.  A blog.   Because out in the World?  No one cares what I’ve been through.

No one.  But I can type this on MY BLOG!

I missed:

birthdays

holidays

and any other special childhood moment that a child shares with her

Mother.  All thanks to some insensitive grown assholes who placed their

needs above my own.

I got into trouble.  A lot of trouble.

My own Mom attempted suicide.  She tried to slash her wrists.

Luckily she didn’t succeed.

So, one day after one too many beatings, I then did an exit stage left

and got the hell out of the duplex that my Dad, that 2nd Wife, and the adoptive ADHD

toddler shared with me.  I was tired of the way I was treated & I had had enough.

After many twists & turns along with help from the LAPD (I grew up in L.A.)

I was reunited with my Mother later that same night at her & her Husbands place of business.

They both were co owners of a Shell gas station.

That day was the most terrifying of my life & all the good fortune that did happen was by total chance.  When I ran away, I had no money, I didn’t know were in the World I was going, I didn’t know how to ride the bus, cause I wasn’t taught how to ride the bus, I later figured out why.   Probably so I couldn’t sneak off to go see my Mom, I’m sure of that.  I did not know my Mothers phone number & it never occurred to me to go to the nearest pay phone either.  I didn’t even know how to call & look her up anyway.  When a person is traumatized simple common sense things go right out the window.  Your confused, in shock, all you know is to just keep moving & your thoughts are more scrambled than a box full of  puzzle pieces.

By chance while walking several miles I came upon The Childrens Home Society.   I had seen the huge billboard facing the busy L.A intersection.  I was across the street and figured that since there was the word “Children” in the wording of the sign I then surmised that this place could help me.   It was just a guess, because I was 12 years old at the time.

I went up to the door, rang the doorbell, then the nice elderly woman once I was inside called the LAPD.

Those two officers literally saved my life.  And they were the only two that seemed to care about my welfare as well they believed that I was being abused they sure were angry with both my Dad & his Wife.

Mom & her Husband through swift work from their lawyers did win custody of me.

But the story doesn’t quite end there.

About a month into being reunited with Mom which by the way was GREAT!  Both Mom & I had to leave town because her Husband was very abusive & would physically beat Mom.

She had enough & both her & I packed a few things to then take the first flight out of California.

We arrived to stay with a relative & that was alright but once Mom & I settled into our first apartment in Seattle Mom was suffering from PTSD from her 11 year abusive marriage from her 2nd Husband, and I was going through the throes of depression & adolescence.

We were like fire & gasoline.

Mom & I had no support from anyone not even our so called extended family on my Stepfathers side (Mom’s 2nd Husband).   So Mom was always angry she took it out on me & I rebelled at times.  It was an emotional rollercoaster of a ride.

The relationship with my Mother has been real rocky at best.  We both suffered from mental illness.  Her from severe depression, bipolar, PTSD all of which undiagnosed.  Myself my illness was bipolar, depression, and PTSD.

Mom finally got diagnosed but it wasn’t until she was in her 50’s after a car accident left her psychologically in more trouble.

I wasn’t diagnosed until I was in my mid forties!  So all through my life I had severe mood swings, followed by highs followed by depression so severe I couldn’t hold down a job.

I’ve had jobs just couldn’t hold on to them.   This caused a lot of people to be severely judgmental of me.   It was horrible for me all those years.  Including all the years of being harassed by men the depression it seemed was endless. I was self medicating with lots of alcohol & experimented with drugs on occasion.

I’m now on a good medication & I’m stable & so is Mom.  Trust me everyone when I tell you that she is so much more different than the young woman who raised me.  That woman was so totally scary you just can’t imagine life living with her as a young teenager trying to figure herself out what with going into the terrible growing pains of adolescence.

Now fast forward to today Mom is my best supporter.   I am moving or trying to move to a new apartment.  And that brings challenges as I am on Section 8 plus I need help from a resource called Solid ground for help with 1st & last months rent but its coming with some bureaucratic B.S.  and I’m so worried that the new landlord who is nice will revoke the lease which probably won’t happen.

But the good side is that Mom is helping were she can, she has cosigned for me to get the apartment, she has given me a ride from one end of town to the other so that I could drop off paperwork to the new landlord and so much more.

To say that we both have been through some challenging times in our life is a severe understatement.   What we have been through was gut wrenching, heart wrenching heartbreak along with some severe emotional distress that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.

I’m grateful that we survived it all.  But I still require lots of therapy because I’m left with rebuilding my life  its taken several years & still building.   I am on Social security work part time.   I hope to enroll in a program my realistic goal is some sort of apprenticeship.   I have struggled with everything across the board too.  School from 3rd grade through 12th, I’ve had a lot of trouble making any kind of quality friends I’ll not hang with a bad crowd nor will I settle for friends who don’t have my best interest at heart, abusive types I hate,  I never married.

I’ve been single going on 15 years its been hard to meet anyone & I have no friends though its not because I don’t try.

But at least I have Mom hopefully for many more years because she is a senior citizen.  However  it would be real nice to have some friends as Mom won’t be around forever & she is all I have right now.   No siblings or other relatives.   It kind of sucks sometimes.  Looking for that support from people.  But it seems so elusive.   Someone out there has to pay some attention.      I hurting on the inside everyone.

But I still have some hope but I get so scared, depressed, and missing those lost years.

I still struggle in this 21st Century though.  I cling to old tv shows and just do the best I can to achieve my goals.

Wish me luck will you?

Cause I’m going to need it.

Prayers would help too.

Won’t you pray for me?

Will you be my friend?

I need good friends.

Be my friend.

Why All The Misogyny?

 I was on the bus coming from Rainier Avenue

For those of you who don’t know this area

its in Seattle & not a real good area of town.

There are a lot of shady types around there.

As I was riding the bus it was still early around

5PM there were 2 young men & they weren’t too

nice.  I had over heard a conversation & it left me

feeling quite disgusted with guys in general.

“Yeah, I called this girl and asked if she would

want to do a train”.  Said the one young man to

his friend.  Then the one young man says to his friend this:

“Lets not talk anymore about this”, This tells me that this young man

had said way too much, plus he knew what he was talking about was so totally

& absolutely WRONG!  When people do what they know is wrong that’s when its

kept secret, except in this instance the cat was out of the bag so to speak.

For those of you not familiar with street vernacular

a train is when a woman has sex with multiple partners

one right after another in succession.

It’s common in prison

and I’ve read that its real popular at parties

were gangbangers are present.

I learned of the term when I read a book

by Nate McCall a former inmate who then went on to become  a journalist who worked at a couple of highly respected newspapers

back East then went on to  become a best selling author of his first autobiography

“Makes Me Wanna Holler”

For most of my life since I was 9 or 10 years old

I’ve received unwanted attention all not good from

males.  Young & old.

What I heard on the bus really disgusted me and

had me worried over just how women are viewed

in society.  Can you say degrading,demeaning,

sexual objectification?  All I could do is ignore them

I mean what could I do?  Nothing.   All I could do

is hope & pray that the girl in question that these two

miscreants were talking about , would say to them

Go to hell.

But lets face it everyone, young girls are not given

the best empowerment tools while they are growing up.

I know this is true because I never really received ANY amount

of self esteem learning.  I was verbally,physicallly & mentally abused

all throughout my childhood & my teens that went on for many years.

By the time I reached my teens I had mood swings, I was depressed and

I had no identity that was anywhere near positive about myself.

My Mother was always angry rarely was she happy.  My Father

was never around.  Then my Fathers 2nd Wife added to the abuse I suffered

So how would I have learned any positive self esteem?

Answer:  NEVER!

I had lecherous boys trying to paw me, stick their tongue down my throat when

trying to kiss me, OMG all I knew about kissing was from the movies & I had no idea

a tongue went with it.  When I was 14 a boy on my bowling team tried that with me?

I nearly freaked out.

I was also lucky not to have gotten pregnant.  I avoided it like the plague which wasn’t easy because guys are always scheming to have sex with you.  They have all kinds of lies & tricks up their sleeves.   Believe that! I’m not making any of this up.  This has caused pretty bad damage to me psychologically because it robbed me of learning about myself in a positive way with all the negativity I received from the men who sexually harassed me? Has stunted my personal development impeding my personal growth as a woman.  I learned distrust, I don’t smile as freely as I used to when I was young, and I’m really hypervigilant

I am always suspicious, on more than one occasion a car has pulled over a man inside mistaking me for a prostitute.  Believe me honey when a strange man is pulling his car over to were your walking he isn’t asking for directions.  And in no way was I even dressed provocatively.  My wardrobe consists of nothing but jeans, t-shirts, and tennis shoes!

So when I heard what I heard on the bus today I got severely depressed that these two cretins thought so little of females as to use them just like a piece of meat to have sex with.

No more different than using the toilet!

Men disgust me.

I may not have much, I may not have a college degree but you know what?

I have the sense to stay away from men.

You women out there?  You need to be careful of which men you associate with

and scrutinize them with a fine tooth comb.

Now not all men are sex crazed perverts, at least I hope not.

But the good majority think nothing of a woman other than to get

their rocks off.

Of course they won’t tell you that…that is until after the deed is done & these

same men toss you aside as quickly as a napkin gets tossed in the trash.

We women deserver respect,dignity

We women don’t deserve to be treated like a mans

personal toilet.

Men please stop thinking with your penis.

Women are so much more valuable than that!

Men think with your heart & the OTHER head & not

the one in your pants.

PLEASE!!

And women let me say this, I am not typing this blog as an anti men campaign.  What I hope to have happen is to educate you all.  I am older & I’m pretty much like a soldier that has survived many battles.   Isn’t that the case of most women?  Doesn’t matter what color

you are either.  Hopefully to women everywhere in the U.S. and to those sisters who live overseas you’ll have a better understanding & learn most importantly to stand up for yourself because you are worth it. Don’t ever forget that.