Mothers Day

Mothers Day,

For me that day means so much to me!

Mom & I have not had it easy.

By that I mean that when I was a wee young child

of 8 years of age I was smack dab in the middle of a very

nasty custody battle.  The folks involved?  Why Mom & Dad

of course.   The parents split when I was 2.   I won’t go into

the reasons for that, its personal.

My Father who is now deceased was pretty much a bastard

when he was alive.   Mom remarried shortly after the divorce so I grew

up believing that Mom’s Husband no. 2 was my Dad.

Then one day Dad just strolls onto the school grounds during recess time

to announce that he was my Dad.   He did this a couple of more times scaring the hell out of me.  One time I ran from him & he chased me all over the playgroud with me screaming the whole time.

Could he have been more of an idiot?

Make a long story short I was court ordered

to stay with the Dad & his remarried Wife whom

I did not know.  Total stranger.

No one seemed to care what I was going through either

I got into trouble, I was denied any type of calls to Mom

nor was I encouraged to call her.  One time in my childhood, it was not long after I was forcibly taken away from my Mother, the Step Mother & I were home alone in the duplex her my Father & their adoptive newborn lived.  It was a Saturday my Father was out at his office.  I had wanted to call my Mother.  I was 8 or 9 years old.  The Step Mother was against it.  I didn’t care I wanted to call my Mother.  What happened?  when I tried to reach for the living room phone on the stand the Step Mother then  got up off the sofa ran & slammed the phone down, we were physically wrestling on the floor so I wouldn’t call my Mother.  MY MOTHER!

What I resorted to was sneaking phone calls to my Mother late at night when everyone else was sleeping in their beds.   What I would do was call the operator & have them look up Mom & her Husband in the phone book  what followed was I got found out & a lock was placed on the rotary phone dial preventing me from calling my Mom.  Oh yeah these people just did not care one lick!  I write about this because even now it makes me angry.   And no I haven’t forgiven either one of them for this.  As far as I’m concerned this was inhumane as well as unacceptable!

And, on another occasion when Mom did show up unannounced at the residence where Dad, 2nd Wife & myself lived Dad forcibly held me down on the bed in my bedroom not allowing me to go & see Mom all the while Mom was pounding on the front door.   This is the first time I have talked about this.  A blog.   Because out in the World?  No one cares what I’ve been through.

No one.  But I can type this on MY BLOG!

I missed:

birthdays

holidays

and any other special childhood moment that a child shares with her

Mother.  All thanks to some insensitive grown assholes who placed their

needs above my own.

I got into trouble.  A lot of trouble.

My own Mom attempted suicide.  She tried to slash her wrists.

Luckily she didn’t succeed.

So, one day after one too many beatings, I then did an exit stage left

and got the hell out of the duplex that my Dad, that 2nd Wife, and the adoptive ADHD

toddler shared with me.  I was tired of the way I was treated & I had had enough.

After many twists & turns along with help from the LAPD (I grew up in L.A.)

I was reunited with my Mother later that same night at her & her Husbands place of business.

They both were co owners of a Shell gas station.

That day was the most terrifying of my life & all the good fortune that did happen was by total chance.  When I ran away, I had no money, I didn’t know were in the World I was going, I didn’t know how to ride the bus, cause I wasn’t taught how to ride the bus, I later figured out why.   Probably so I couldn’t sneak off to go see my Mom, I’m sure of that.  I did not know my Mothers phone number & it never occurred to me to go to the nearest pay phone either.  I didn’t even know how to call & look her up anyway.  When a person is traumatized simple common sense things go right out the window.  Your confused, in shock, all you know is to just keep moving & your thoughts are more scrambled than a box full of  puzzle pieces.

By chance while walking several miles I came upon The Childrens Home Society.   I had seen the huge billboard facing the busy L.A intersection.  I was across the street and figured that since there was the word “Children” in the wording of the sign I then surmised that this place could help me.   It was just a guess, because I was 12 years old at the time.

I went up to the door, rang the doorbell, then the nice elderly woman once I was inside called the LAPD.

Those two officers literally saved my life.  And they were the only two that seemed to care about my welfare as well they believed that I was being abused they sure were angry with both my Dad & his Wife.

Mom & her Husband through swift work from their lawyers did win custody of me.

But the story doesn’t quite end there.

About a month into being reunited with Mom which by the way was GREAT!  Both Mom & I had to leave town because her Husband was very abusive & would physically beat Mom.

She had enough & both her & I packed a few things to then take the first flight out of California.

We arrived to stay with a relative & that was alright but once Mom & I settled into our first apartment in Seattle Mom was suffering from PTSD from her 11 year abusive marriage from her 2nd Husband, and I was going through the throes of depression & adolescence.

We were like fire & gasoline.

Mom & I had no support from anyone not even our so called extended family on my Stepfathers side (Mom’s 2nd Husband).   So Mom was always angry she took it out on me & I rebelled at times.  It was an emotional rollercoaster of a ride.

The relationship with my Mother has been real rocky at best.  We both suffered from mental illness.  Her from severe depression, bipolar, PTSD all of which undiagnosed.  Myself my illness was bipolar, depression, and PTSD.

Mom finally got diagnosed but it wasn’t until she was in her 50’s after a car accident left her psychologically in more trouble.

I wasn’t diagnosed until I was in my mid forties!  So all through my life I had severe mood swings, followed by highs followed by depression so severe I couldn’t hold down a job.

I’ve had jobs just couldn’t hold on to them.   This caused a lot of people to be severely judgmental of me.   It was horrible for me all those years.  Including all the years of being harassed by men the depression it seemed was endless. I was self medicating with lots of alcohol & experimented with drugs on occasion.

I’m now on a good medication & I’m stable & so is Mom.  Trust me everyone when I tell you that she is so much more different than the young woman who raised me.  That woman was so totally scary you just can’t imagine life living with her as a young teenager trying to figure herself out what with going into the terrible growing pains of adolescence.

Now fast forward to today Mom is my best supporter.   I am moving or trying to move to a new apartment.  And that brings challenges as I am on Section 8 plus I need help from a resource called Solid ground for help with 1st & last months rent but its coming with some bureaucratic B.S.  and I’m so worried that the new landlord who is nice will revoke the lease which probably won’t happen.

But the good side is that Mom is helping were she can, she has cosigned for me to get the apartment, she has given me a ride from one end of town to the other so that I could drop off paperwork to the new landlord and so much more.

To say that we both have been through some challenging times in our life is a severe understatement.   What we have been through was gut wrenching, heart wrenching heartbreak along with some severe emotional distress that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.

I’m grateful that we survived it all.  But I still require lots of therapy because I’m left with rebuilding my life  its taken several years & still building.   I am on Social security work part time.   I hope to enroll in a program my realistic goal is some sort of apprenticeship.   I have struggled with everything across the board too.  School from 3rd grade through 12th, I’ve had a lot of trouble making any kind of quality friends I’ll not hang with a bad crowd nor will I settle for friends who don’t have my best interest at heart, abusive types I hate,  I never married.

I’ve been single going on 15 years its been hard to meet anyone & I have no friends though its not because I don’t try.

But at least I have Mom hopefully for many more years because she is a senior citizen.  However  it would be real nice to have some friends as Mom won’t be around forever & she is all I have right now.   No siblings or other relatives.   It kind of sucks sometimes.  Looking for that support from people.  But it seems so elusive.   Someone out there has to pay some attention.      I hurting on the inside everyone.

But I still have some hope but I get so scared, depressed, and missing those lost years.

I still struggle in this 21st Century though.  I cling to old tv shows and just do the best I can to achieve my goals.

Wish me luck will you?

Cause I’m going to need it.

Prayers would help too.

Won’t you pray for me?

Will you be my friend?

I need good friends.

Be my friend.

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