It’s Saturday Night. Do You Have Any Plans??

It’s Saturday night everyone.  So what are you doing?  Any takers out there?  Me I’m home alone and pacing the apartment when I’m not on this laptop in the dark the TV is on just for the noise.   I’m feeling very restless.  You may ask me (or not) what am I doing?  Well ladies & gentlemen nothing really.  Its not real safe to go out….alone.  Then were in the heck do I go?  It’s just not safe.  l own no car.  So what would I do out at night catch a bus?  Your crazy.  So here I sit for right now I’m calm a few minutes ago?  I was in the mini throes of my illness that’s mental illness reliving every painful experience that’s ever happened to me.  Neglect, abuse, living alone and you know what?  I have been alone since the age of 3 when I was left home alone isn’t it crazy how all these many years later I’m still alone.   I cry out my pain I want a family but I don’t have one….Don’t know if you all have bothered to read my other blogs…..well have you?  Anyway I am crying out my pain & all these years alone have really affected my mind.  My mind is affected right now the only reprieve is me typing this blog out it keeps the mental illness at bay…..And you know what people I have to say this cause its important without family support?  for a person living with mental illness is similar to living on a prison death row.

Its a pain you could never really imagine as you go to bed to snuggle up tonight with your loved one or go sit at the kitchen table with your cup of tea talking over your day with your family.  I feel the pain of all my years of being single, of being abandoned by Mom in that courthouse during that nasty custody battle with my parents, Its the girl you hope to have only to be disappointed to learn she is getting back with the ex, its the Father who kept his Cancer illness a secret only to move way over to the Southeast to die and your kept out of his funeral…..I have so much more and the problem with always being alone everyone is that your all alone with your thoughts and there is no break.   I wail & sob like a little child….one night I had a bad relapse remembering an especially painful time when I was separated from my Mother when I was 8 during a custody battle….you see Mom has mental illness & she is emotionally cold & distant person….I just started wailing real loud “Where is My Mother”!   Saturday night I hate, I also hate Sunday, I hate Monday, I hate Tuesday….yeah I know I’m being redundant I’m sick and in a lot of torment.   I find myself wondering what people are doing tonight.  Are they watching a movie with a big bowl of popcorn…are they making love, are they tucking the kids into bed, what must people be doing in their own homes tonight?   Hey, this is what goes on in my mind while I’m here all alone.   Theres no one here but me and it has affected me in ways you can’t even imagine everyone!   I see why people do drugs….if it were possible I would try to get on some medical pot but I don’t qualify.  Because I can tell you I’ve lived alone like this for maybe 6000 or more days sorry I haven’t had the chance to do the math over how many days straight in a row I’ve been alone….so I just estimate hope you all don’t mind.   I think if I actually did figure in out I would go straight to the Aurora bridge and just jump!  So I’m guessing.   I’m in a lot of pain.  So tell me what are you all out there doing tonight?  I’m curious.  What are you all doing for the 4th Of July?  Would you leave me a comment?   Will you be barbequing out in the back yard?  Or will you go to a friends or relatives house for that?  Will you go to a local park to watch fireworks with your loved ones?  Make sure you tell them you love them & give them a big hug…cause you all out there just don’t realize just how lucky you all are.   I’m just asking I’m full of curiosity.   So what will you do tonight?  I’m pretty much all alone in the World.  And if you think that’s easy then YOU are the one losing your mind…lol.   It is the most difficult journey you never want to be on.  Trust me on that one you all.   Living the way I do?  You are more prone to getting into trouble just use your imagination, more prone to say hanging out with the wrong crowd cause that can happen to anyone.  More prone to say any kind of self destruction.  I know what I’m talking about.   People this is WHY other people who live in despair rely on substances just to get them through the day.   Sure enough!

So do me a huge favor will you? When you spend time with your:


Your spouse,boyfriend,girlfriend

Your kids

Make sure to give them a great big hug then think of me and give me a hug because I can tell you that you all out there that these things I go through are REAL! Those of you who have it all are fortunate to have what you have.  Love is all I ever wanted in my life.   And I am still all these many years since I was 8 am still on the front stoop waiting for it to come my way.   Once again I’ve been stood up waiting on love.  I sure do feel like a child on Christmas who Santa has forgotten.

Everyone Is Married, Paired Up, Except Me And I’ve Lost All Hope

Hey, Does anyone pay attention.  I want attention.  I have officially lost all hope.  Never been popular, never had a long term relationshiop, I have a Mom who is self centered and mentally ill.

So now you all don’t care I see no reason to continue my profile.  Send me some messages of encouragement. cause I really do want to commit suicide.  

I take up too much space anyway.


Not Really Enjoying The Single Life With Minimal To No Support!

I’m not real sure if blogging helps on here.  I have received some followers so it would seem that there are some people out there with a heart!  Its puzzling how some on here get tons of followers & replies while others …..well barely get any.  

I do this to keep my sanity in a World that doesn’t care one lick about what I do & the feeling is now mutual.   A woman of color on the bottom of the socioeconomic ladder trying to work her way up it all the while there are barriers.  I thank God for my Facebook friends else I don’t know how I would make it.   It’s enormously DIFFICULT.  What some of you out there take for granted I wished I had.  I’m alone all the time.   I try to find volunteer opportunities but its difficult due to how hard it is, references I don’t have since I don’t know anyone and have little experience.  I also suffer mental illness, then I’m lonely , isolated, alienated.   This just isn’t a loving nor kind World.  Its more of a backstabbing World full of betrayal & very sullen people.  I’ve tried, tried, then tried some more and you know what I’m tired….no just plain exhausted!  and I don’t mind writing about it.  Some of you out there like keeping things to yourself, I believe you call it being composed…well I choose not too, after all I’m not going to be the one keeling over with a heart attack just because I’ve stayed composed.   I like to write how I feel good, bad, indiiferent, angry, sad, grieving.   It helps some.   And I care little if some of you are judgemental I can assure you that you don’t have the lack of luxuries i.e. family support, a spouse, boyfriend, or girlfriend, even a pet which I can’t have due to the restrictions dictated by my new lease.  How about reaching out to me as a good friend.  A good friend who isn’t vulgar, sexist, or a jerk because that seems to be all I’ve met.    It is extremely difficult to make & meet friends…seems like people in general lack trust, don’t have time, or are just overall suspicious all without taking the time, ANY TIME to just get to know you.   Whatever happened to meeting someone for coffee, exchanging an email or phone number, inviting someone to a gathering your giving?   When did society become so thoughtless, uncaring, even apathetic?   Sometimes I want to ask someone: “Is there a heart that beats inside that chest of yours”?  Makes you wonder sometime.   I have said this before in my previous blogs but I just can’t stand the 21st Century!  Each of the previous decades seemed to have its fair share of problems but the 21st Century seems the absolute WORST!  Now with social media which I don’t particularly care for because I like face to face its real impersonal.  Social media at least has its good points when you make a friend & then it moves onto online chatting that does help with the lonliness & isolation.   It helps when your me with minimal to no family support….I don’t live with my Mother who is mentally ill & domineering who isn’t really blessed with a sensitivity gene.  It’s hard.  Sometimes I wished I came from a big family.  With my Dad gone & no siblings it makes life for me extremely unbearable!   I try to find solutions but its not easy.  I want to move out of Washington….it sucks well the people do, I want to move back to California which won’t be for another 2-3 years when I hopefully can get an AA degree then hopefully transfer to a University in California.   I’m low income so finding a place would be a challenge.   I would be open to any suggestions anyone out there might have…….I’m asking for help you all!  I’m not afraid to ask.  Its just that no one reaches out, ignores me, or turns a deaf ear.   That’s the reality.   So as another night comes to an end I have tomorrow to face and I’m just not looking forward to that! I get so goddamned tired of waking up alone, walking around my apt alone, and no one checking up on me.  Its like childhood all over again.

Paula Deen SHAME ON YOU! Your A Disgrace!

If I were to sit across from Chef Paula Deen I would ask her this question?  Did you learn your hateful racist terms from your own family while you were growing up?  I’m just curious Paula.

Thank you for re-traumatizing me all over again.  Thanks for showing us just how ignorant you really are.  Wow, so instead of seeing us African Americans as loving human beings you took a step waaaay backwards to the horrific times when African Americans suffered FAR worse than we do today with such indignities as hearing that aberration of a word!  You deserved to lose your coveted job both on the Food Cable network as well as the QVC shopping channel.

I must say that hate & ignorance never fails to rear its ugly head!  ….towards African Americans that is.  Your really going to have a lot to make up for with us Ms Deen.  A lot.   Ms Deen are you aware that not that long ago we weren’t allowed to drink out of the same water fountains, eat at a lunch counter, use the same bathrooms, use a separate entrance at businesses were among a ,very long list of places where African had to check their dignity at the door the back door that is. African Americans were mandated by Jim Crow laws of the South to sit at the back of all public transportation  buses, we had to stay in separate hotels, pay our bus fare at the front of the bus then go back outside of the bus to enter through the rear door, and if a African American man looked at a Caucasion woman the wrong way or said anything at all,  it merited a death sentence by the very same laws of Jim Crow.  Did you know Ms Deen that African Americans risked their lives to have the right to VOTE!  Those who spoke out for the freedoms the very same freedoms that is written  in the U.S Constituition ran a HIGH RISK of getting killed,  having their houses bombed, being lynched, having the Klan pay a late night visit to terrorize an African American family or kidnap & murder them, There was a time when no African American was ever safe! Danger for African Americans was 24/7!  No I suppose you wouldn’t know such things after all this is something that you would not care to know about us right?  Ms Paula Deen  You must answer for your intolerant attitude because your sorely lacking in any amount of character.  Have you ever been hated for the simple fact that you look different or your skin is of a different color?  No I suppose you wouldn’t.   There is so much that you don’t know about the history of the African American in America.  But I highly recommend that you should start.  I’d even be glad to recommend a few books for you to read.  Take some time Ms Deen to reflect just how much damage you’ve caused to we of the African American community.  Just saying your sorry just isn’t enough.  Your racial slur DID HURT! And the sad part is you just have no idea the damage you’ve caused as if African Americans haven’t suffered enough we now have to be reminded with the likes of stupid idiots such as yourself!  Look deep in your heart to realize this because our history is saturated in pain,misery, indiginity, sub human treatment.  You’ll be apologizing for the rest of your life.  Because I feel that you still have no idea just how much pain & trauma you’ve caused the African American people.

I notice not many are speaking out on this.  This only tells me?  That racial slurs must be tolerated amongst some of you out there.  There just is no love or anything else for that matter towards African Americans.  Thanks for your LACK of support.  Sorry my BLOG isn’t more to your liking….like a “Leave It To Beaver” episode.     Perhaps you all think its okay for people to call African Americans this word.  Thanks cowards!

Is It Possible To Start Over In Life? IDK But I’m Sure Gonna Try

I’ve had a very difficult life.  When I say difficult I don’t mean with working my but off at awful dead end jobs…what I mean when I say that I’ve had a difficult life, I mean I worked my butt off at terrible menial jobs, often people were just terrible towards me treating me no better than a potted plant, often I would return home to an empty apartment were a frozen tv dinner awaited & my TV  that stays on at all hours so I can hear other noise in my apartment,  there is no family support  calling me on the phone or visiting because of that damn family dysfunction & mental illness!

I’ve done nothing but struggle…ALOT!   I did the best with the very little that I have.  So now I find myself starting over at this point in my life so I can somehow have a better job.   I want to go to school.  College.  Yes everyone I’m very smart.  Always was.  Problem was while I lived at home as a minor I had to contend with an unstable Mother who made my life a living hell and that everyone was psychologically damaging for me.  The school grades just went down the toilet due to constant neglect from Mother & all around indifference from all the other adults, my own friends didn’t even pay me much attention…hear that distant flush? That was the last of my self esteem leaving my body like waste!  So now I’m planning on going to College the always smart-but no one ever thought so kid now a grown woman will be going to college to study engineering.  OH yes I am pretty good in math but no one believed in me something about bigotry, even racism there is this crazy stereotype going on at the public school level were if your non white then that must mean you have inferior intelligence!  Deeming it necessary to ignore, expect less of, and all around treat you like a peaseant in the good old U.S.A.   This girl is on fire & very smart!   HA!

I also hope to get a part time job yes I hope to do this and complete school and even graduate with a degree….ALL FOUR YEARS thank you very much.   I plan to start over.   I have languished in struggle, poverty, food stamps, welfare lines.   Yes I’ve had the low self esteem thanks to all you public school teachers with their negative mantras of who would make it out of high school & who wouldn’t.   To all you teachers I had in high school.  You just didn’t deserve your certificates.   I think that YOU  were the ones that couldn’t make it in life, unfortunately you had the audacity to project your negativity out on us impressionable children who sat in your classrooms.  Shame on you!   But that’s in the past.  This is now and my goals however long they took are now solidified….the plans did take years to put together & hey I had no encouragement nor help except for endless days, nights on the internet doing my research on which direction my life would go.  Hey I do the best that I can.   But I’m trying so give me an A for that effort!  From what I understand most people NEVER learn no matter how old they are.  Most people go to their grave never learning a thing about themselves or to even try to accompolish their goals.   And hey, even if you fail at something AT LEAST YOU’VE TRIED.  Way better than sitting at home all day watching soaps or doing nothing at all.

I’m starting over by going to school.  By getting that part time job.  By graduating from College.  And by getting a good job.   I have my plans mapped.   And guess what?  I had no help, until real recently no encouragement, and I’ve done this all alone which is a lot like climbing up Mt. Everest all alone & with minimal climbing gear.

I’m like the Sylvester Stallone character Rocky my favorite movie.  That movie is pretty parallel to my own life.   I climb up out of the rubbish heap to become……A CHAMPION!

Stay tuned for more my WordPress fans.

Racial Slurs, Being Bullied, Verbal Abuse, This Is Not How I Wanted My Life To Be.

Everyone, you definitely need to please pay attention to how you treat other people.  I feel this needs to be said because all too often the perpetrators are just way too callous.  One of the reasons I hate 21st Century America is because now days rudeness seems to be priority one.  Its a mentality of lets hurt someone else.   What we have today are people getting killed by guns, among  other violence like physical, sexual assaults but whats often overlooked are the VERBAL assaults.

It’s gotten very out of hand!  I mean its real bad.   Take it from me who has been on the receiving end of severe bullying to have included getting several racial slurs as well as death threats screamed at me while on a public bus 3 years ago and nothing was done.   Begin by treating each other with kindness instead of tormenting one another.   I just don’t understand society at large, here I came from a very abusive family, was taken away from my Mother when I was 8 years old, witnessed all sorts of violence to include that done to my own Mother, and had such vile verbal assaults done to me by my Mother, former Stepmother, Stepfather, my Father (who was guilty of pure neglect) ….and I seem to have a better handle at how to treat another human being than most of you out there.   Today I just can’t stand this century where narcissistic attitudes & being rude seem commonplace.   Things sure have gotten worse not better.  Sometimes I feel like I’m on an alien planet.

Fathers Day & What It Means

For those of you thinking that this is one of those warm & fuzzy “Remembering Father On Fathers Day memories”……SORRY this isn’t one of those blogs..  You want Hallmark I suggest you find another blog.  

My Father just wasn’t one.   My Father passed away July 6, 2006.  Oh yes I remember the month & date and let me say I’m not one that remembers dates or even what day it is.  But I remember this one.   At the risk of sounding like Sophia Patrello of the Golden Girls TV series of the 80’s “Picture This”  …..I was notified of my Fathers death via voicemail one day when I came home from school by his 4th & last Wife.   I can’t describe to you how I felt.   Unless you’ve been through the exact same thing.   I was to put it mildly or for lack of a better term a complete “MESS”!   It got so bad that when I would go to the store the crying spells would attack me like an intruder who lies in wait to attack its victim..  I had no real support either at a time when someone needs support none was there for me.   All my Mom said to me was “Remember you have one parent still alive”  I guess that was the best that she could do.  But it was a shitty best that’s how I feel.    I did not get to see my Father buried either.  Nope.  His Wife moved the two of them from Los Angeles California to some small Podunk town in Florida.  I live in Washington State.  I could not afford to fly down to Florida, and Mom could not lend me the money to go.   So no final farewell!   I was kept out of everything from the Wife of Dads with not so much as a funeral program.   I did not know any details of how he was buried until years later from a priest that told Mom that Dad was buried very cheaply.

Dad never told me just how seriously sick he was either.  When I first learned of the news it was in 2005 ..  He was in the hospital that time.  And I had a hell of a time when I called the Kaiser hospital too.  I was bounced around from dept to dept…I can say in all honesty that the hospital staff sure were extremely stupid.   When I finally reached Dad he had just gotten out of surgery and he didn’t sound like Dad at all.  He talked like his mouth was full of cotton.

That was in December of 2005.   The few times I did talk to Dad all his talk was like a damn code his conversations shifted from “I’m Fine” to “I’ve just been given a party in my honor” I later surmised that it was Dad’s LAST party because he was dying, but he didn’t tell me that I had to figure that all out on my own just like every Fucking thing else in my life.

I was kept in the dark about everything regarding Dad.  I’m fond of saying (often to myself or on a blog) that my Father is like a tornado that you only have MINUTES to seek shelter from.  He hits, he devastates, and he leaves wreckage just like he has done countless times in my life before.  Kind of glad the angel of death finally paid him a visit because in my opinion Dad has ALOT to answer for to the great man upstairs.  Dad caused MUCH damage when he was alive I think I’ve covered much of that on my Mothers Day blog if you care to read it.   He caused some of the most SEVERE damage & all the while it was like la, la, lets go get ice cream or go to McDonalds, or he would go to one of many of Los Angeles greasy corner sandwich stands to stuff his face with a hot pastrami sandwich that was my Dad just so totally oblivious to what he has done.  Never thought about anyone except himself.   Way to go Dad! 😦

Sometimes I think I would have been better off if he did leave out of my life.  Sometimes I think that Fathers do a favor when they do because then there are no nasty custody battles where your pitted against your own Mother, forced to NOT call your Mother after you were forcibly removed by the courts, kept away for FOUR years of your childhood with no birthdays with your Mom, No Christmas’ with your Mom, NOTHING.   I don’t know what a Father is like except what I see on those lame commercials advertising Fathers day which to me are like one big joke like those Christmas commercials.  All bullshit.  I’m home alone, Mom is probably asleep in bed or zoned out in front of the TV with her husband both suffers from mental illness.  Mom just lives it seems in a World of her own.   I won’t even bother calling her cause all she’ll say to me is:  Why not kick you feet up & watch TV.   I have a family that is just so totally screwed up as well as clueless.  So today I won’t bother.   Getting support from my so called family if you could call it that is like hoping to win the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes…you keep hoping for something better to happen but you know it never will.    So what I have concerning that Father of mine are lots of unanswered questions, no goodbyes, and while he was here on this Earth whenever I would ask him questions regarding how he made a mess of things all I would get would be:  “I just don’t know”  favorite line of his.  

So no I don’t celebrate Fathers Day.   No point to it.  I just as soon celebrate Arbor Day.   At least that day has more meaning for me.   Celebrating Fathers Day is like the poor people of Moore Oklahoma celebrating the day the tornado came to their town & destroyed every single thing that was precious to them, or the residents of New Orleans Louisiana with Hurricane Katrina celebrating when the levees broke & flooded out their town killing a massive amount of people.    Today is just like any other.  A Sunday where I will do whatever I want treating the memories of my Father like a massive natural disaster that I wished never existed.

Remembering A Time As A Child Hating Today

I was at a local suburb mall today.  Thought I’d go to the local music store pick up yet another DVD of a classic movie from the 80’s because TV now a days is total shit!  I bought some music too to help cheer me up.  I walked around in the mall and noticed a place where kids go to jump around in what looked like trampolines with color balls flying all over the place.  This place was called Wiggle World?  I looked in from across the way I won’t stand there looking in the window cause that wouldn’t look right.   But seeing those children have the time of their lives makes me desparately wish I could go back in time to when I was young & didn’t have the mountainous worries, mental illness, anxieties, and depression that I have today.  I didn’t have a lot of those fun filled days as a child but I did have SOME.   And its those days, memories if you will that if I could ask God to grant me any wish it would be to go back to one day in my life were I was truly happy.   You don’t know how much I would want that!  truly hate the 21st Century with all those stupid gadgets, texting, people being mean to you, the intolerance, the rudeness that all gets to me.  Most of all living here in the Pacific Northwest everyone here is so flaky no one keeps their promises on ANYTHING!  Nothing but drones living here.   I miss my old life back in California but even California isn’t the same anymore.  That’s changed drastically.  I hate when people ignore you, I hate the fast pace, since when is life like the starting gate at the local race track? Can you answer me that?  Backwards people who seem to live in the 1950’s, everyone in a hurry to go no where.   No one says hello.   Its why I hate where I live so much!  You know while I was sitting here in my apartment today I was watching Murder She Wrote and its a great series …well I caught the very first episode which was on today the pilot.  And I was feeling kind of sad because it shows the actress Angela Lansberry riding her bicycle around the small town of Cabot Cove where her character lives, she is waving at everybody….it got me real depressed because that sure doesn’t happen here in the Pacific Northwest you try that & people will look at you like your crazy or talk real bad about you.   Watching things like that make me feel real sad, mad, yet at the same time yearn about why that still doesn’t happen today.  I even remember as a child how easy it was to wave at the neighbors of my neighborhood.  How people stopped you in the street to say hello.   I miss those days.  And I’m a young,attractive woman everyone.   I’m not into wild parties, hanging out with a bunch of miscreants who want nothing more than to be self destructive for no other reason than because they think its fun.

Younger generation, OMG nothing but a bunch of wild & crazy kids trying to see how far they can go, before killing themselves I guess.   I have termed them the “Suicide Generation”  .

I long for a few childhood days & those previous years lost so long ago.  It makes me real sad.  Cause I sure can’t stand the 21st Century….Its awful.   Perhaps moving to a different climate were there are friendlier people might be what I need.   I’m thinking that it might be. 

From the music of today (which I can’t stand) to the trashy TV shows(just plain garbage)  to other people’s nasty & indifferent attitudes 2013 and all the years of the 21st Century which preceded it are a dismal reminder of just how far our society is sinking….just like quicksand.

That’s sad!

Frustration, pain of dealing with a Mentally ill Parent

To those of you who have STABLE parents out there?  God I do envy you all!    I. don’t.  Having a mentally unstable parent is a living nightmare especially when they’re stressed & having a bad day.   Then they make anyone’s life who comes into close contact with them an absolute hell.   My Mother was trying to pick a fight with me today.  What was the argument about?  Some damn tornado that was supposedly over in Portland Oregon!  Oh Yeah, she says to me that there is a tornado in Portland.  I says to her that tornados are not known to make it this far up North (I live in Seattle).   So Mom gets defensive like I called her a name.  I explained that tornados usually are in the Midwest or sometimes down South.   That was last night.  Today I call to ask Mom something & she brings up the stupid tornado in Portland conversation which by now I completely forgot about.   “Did you watch the news last night”?  She says.   I was already irritated I told her no I watched something else.  Mom just wouldn’t let it go, more & more she gets defensive with me I said to her “don’t take it personal I’m just giving you my point of view”  I will NOT be some yes girl to my Mother when I have a conversation I want to provide input because I have my own mind & after all I do like to think for myself, something that my Mother never taught me & I paid dearly out in the real World once I was out on my own.  Her way or the highway type of philosophy.   Toxic, toxic,toxic.   I just don’t know how to deal with her.   I do my best to offer up resources of help because I can’t stand nor for my own sanity be around her at all.  She complains about everything.  About stress, about bills, about the house which I’ve said that she needs to downsize & sell it.   I can’t help her with it since during the last 3 decades I’ve had to start all over like a victim who is paralyzed from an accident & has to start over with walking, talking, doing everything?   I’ve had to do that except for learning to walk, talk.  I’ve had to play Mom & Dad to myself.   And let me tell you its damn near impossible because you sure don’t learn any maturity that way….if your lucky enough it could take years if you ever learn at all.   Hey that’s the reality everyone.   So Mom goes into her high pitch screech ( can’t this woman take a chill pill??)  But you know what?  I’ve given up with her.  My new therapist suggests to take a break from her, that whenever she calls?  Make up any kind of excuse…i.e. I’m just heading out the door, I have an appointment…basically anything to cut the conversation short which is fine by me!   But what about down the road in the long term?   I’m unfortunate enough to be an only child at least if I had other siblings then they could bear the brunt of Mom the prima donna that she is.  My Father has been dead for 7 years now.  I don’t have him to talk to.  I’m very angry with my Mother.  She has let me down so much in my life when I needed her the most too.   From languishing in abuse from my Father & his 2nd Wife were Mom did nothing to help or at least meet me in secrecy.  To her constant neglect when I entered my teen years, all the cursing, the threats, the going straight up to her bedroom after she got home from work with not so much as a “how was school”.  

Neglect & ignoring me is all she seems to know.   She has repeated the cycle when I came home one year for Army leave  I was about to ship out to Germany for a year so what does Mom do on my last night before I ship out?   She stays in her bedroom, door closed with not so much as a word to me before she re emerges to take me to the airport.

Wow!  Real glad I never had any children when this is the family background I came from.  I have no regrets either.  I mean how could I have kids?   My whole family is steeped with Mental Illness & violent nasty behavior!

I feel:


Lots & lots of pain

Inner turmoil that is just undescribeable

extreme rage

Wondering what a loving family is like.

The closest I get to a loving family is watching one on TV

Because I know of NO ONE!

Therapy can only go so far too.  So if your unfortunate to have the kind of sick family that I do your basically screwed because no one wants to be around someone from a sick family and sometimes my own toxic stuff comes out because I’ve had so much abuse, racial slurs, and everything in between all done to me.   I’m a mess from all of this!

A wonderful loving family!   No idea what that is like.  But I sure would like to be a part of one someday.   Yeah right!

How Does A Person Enroll IN College??

If you have read any of my blogs you all know out there just how difficult of a time I’ve had throughout my whole life.   Now, another challenge is figuring out HOW to enroll in College.  It may seem simple to you but I assure you for me its not.  I’m confused as hell how to do it, I would appreciate ANY help most of you don’t even tag me or leave me any messages which hurts my feelings & makes me feel unwanted.

Basically I have applied to the college of my choice online but I’ve heard absolutely nothing from them.  The college which is Highline Community College just doesn’t give a damn so I’m passing, the same with North Seattle.   So I’ll pass on both of those schools & just learn welding instead at a vocational school that closer.   I already don’t have great self esteem but when I feel like I’m not being given the time of day or blown off, then I tend to go elsewhere were I will get help.   This has been such a big barrier for me!   No one has paid me a lick of attention, nor has anyone took the time to care enough just to help me in life….on ANYTHING!   This makes me so upset right now I’m practically pounding this keyboard as I’m typing because I’m real upset.   I don’t feel like ANYONE listens to me!  I just can’t get anyone to listen to me!!

Being ignored is a horrible thing.  When no one cares about you.  When your treated no better than a telephone pole.  That is how I feel a lot of the times.   Not real fair.

Trying to enroll in some kind of school is frustrating.

I feel despair!!!!!!!!!!!!!