Relationships…..I just don’t get them…ANY OF THEM!

I’m home on yet the umpteenth time on a Saturday night.  So what do I do?  Blog of course!  Nothing else to do.  I don’t have anyone to call up so its alone again in my apartment.  Sucks I understand why people abuse substances, I don’t do them but they sure would fill the void sometimes.   I want to blog about relationships.  I don’t understand what they are, how people meet nor do I even have a concept of how they get together…even get married I really don’t have a concept of it..   No one has EVER taught me these things.  If you’ve read my blog you’d understand.   I’ve been alone for sometime & in addition to all the struggle I go through I just don’t know how to meet people.   I’m a pretty traumatized woman having met nothing but mean & malicious types of people practically my WHOLE ADULT LIFE!  Its true.   Lots of prejudice, being locked out of groups.   I just don’t know how you even make friends!  Especially when all you’ve known are really unkind people.   I’ve never really known a kind person.  All I’ve known are mentally ill types that are a few cards shy of a full deck never normal nor do they have a stable personality.   I have no idea what that’s even like everyone.  That’s why I blog in the hopes to make some nice friends…whatever that means.   21st Century America sure does suck doesn’t it.  People are now even more meaner, reckless, will turn against you at the drop of a dime & basically there is no value placed on another human being to include human life!

I expect to be killed by someone elses hand than to make any positive friends.  Being alienated has really affected me psychologically…real bad!   I don’t know perhaps it was the hate crime from three years ago where I was threatened with stabbing even threatened with my life in addition to several racial & demeaning terms that refer to the ladies who walk the streets at night , that perhaps my thinking has grown dark.   It could be.  All I know is I just don’t know how to meet NICE people out in this awful dark & sinister World.

How do people even get married?….Now that one really baffles me!  Give me a complex math problem & I will solve it.. I’m highly intelligent.  But relationships?  You might as well ask me to read Arabic cause I just don’t know.   To bad life isn’t a lot like math it would be a better world in my opinion.  All I’ve known is hate, humiliation, being bullied, being talked down to like I was nothing more than tree moss!   When it comes to what relationships are?  I’m illiterate on that one.   What I need is a REAL FRIEND who could teach me.   Remember I come from abuse, mental illness, neglect, verbal abuse….these are things that I know real well.  Never knew the opposite which are nice, humane, decent people.   The closest I get to such people is on TV!  Sad but very true.   I’m pretty lost when it comes to what a relationship is.  Oh well that’s it for now, time to go back to watching Days Of Thunder starring Tom Cruise.  Have a good Saturday night, go out & have some fun for me!   I’m stuck at home. 

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Published by: The Lonely Shepard

Me: I grew up in an extremely abusive & disadvantaged family environment were both parents were really immature & their relationship messy! I was abducted by my Father at age 8 abused physically, mentally, degraded by his 2nd Wife, and I didn't see my Mother again until 4 years later, I had to risk my neck + my life to run off to seek help with the local police & this was way before there was any such laws on the books for child abuse. Think on that awhile. Had learning disabilities all throughout school by the time I graduated I learned nothing, was prepared for nothing out in the World. Think on that. Joined the United States Army right out of High School only reason I did join was that at the time there was an Army recruiter right on the High School campus & he took an interest in me. So I joined. I was really in over my head. But what else could I do? I lived with a single Mom who was emotionally unstable & I had ZERO support from anyone including the school staff + administrators. The military was hard & degrading to me as a woman but I got out with an honorable discharge. More about me: A series of dead end jobs, my mind was totally a mess after I got out of the Army, still had no support not even from the Veterans admin. My journey has been a total nightmare of: trying to find out about myself, learning about myself, how to live as an adult, all with no help. Now after long , and intensive filled journey I'm trying to get back on track with my life I want to go to school with the hope of one day attending University. I don't wish my journey on anyone. No one gave me guidance: as a child as a teen as a young adult I was all on my own! and it was real lonely , isolating, extremely frightening. Family? don't really have any. Now remember everyone I'm African American & I receive little to no respect I don't even warrant a speeding car that will slow down. "The person who sang the National Anthem sang the last note so high that no could reach it! That was intentional!" Belize from Tony Kushners play Angels In America. If you've read this far I will leave my email in case you want to leave me a msg. Those that are rude will get deleted immediately. Contact: Yogibeara425@hushmail.com

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