Going it Alone, Starting Over With No Support.

Coming soon,  Starting over with nothing, making a second start in life in a city that’s pretty unfriendly.   It is tough you all just don’t know! 

But I need my beauty rest its late and I need to sleep.  I care about me even though no one else does.   Can’t say I deserve it.  But it is what it is.

Stay strong  GOOD NIGHT!

Alright it is now morning I managed around 5 1/2 hours of sleep not quite enough but just enough to feel pretty refreshed sometimes I sleep a little too much while other times not enough.  It’s nearing 9AM I think I’ve already got a pretty good start to my day just having my morning coffee & listening to my favorite opera aria Caro Nome sung by Maria Callas.  Caro Nome is by the composer Verdi.   Yes I’m a fan of opera.  And I’m not ashamed to say it either.   I’m not some old biddy grandma type either.   I’m attractive, pretty hip but I’ve got culture!   The good majority hates opera.  Well to those folks your missing out on something beautiful!   I am starting fresh I’m embarking on what I hope is a brand new journey.   Here is a list of what I want to achieve:

Attend Community College

Get a four year degree.   Not a small feat because ALL through K-12  I was always told that I was not smart enough.  Oh yes!  I’m not making this up everyone, I had some pretty ignorant & uncaring Teachers.   To all those teachers who were haters..Kiss my ass!  

Work for the Department Of Navy

Live in Hawaii

Own a farm in Hawaii

My short term goals are to:

Become a volunteer to help out at a farm in Hawaii for my vacations which will be for me a working vacation the only such kind of vacation I could afford.   Remember I live in a not so great City, where folks are so unfriendly, unresponsive, repressed, uptight folks you’ve ever seen that I need a break from all that!   I also don’t have that great of family support ….well whats left of a family which for me all I have left is my elderly Mother.   All that matters to me?  Is living my life the way I want!  I’ve suffered for many years with lonliness, isolation and actually I still do.   I’ve suffered from someone elses hate, I’ve had SEVERAL racial slurs screamed at me, been given death threats of PHYSICAL harm, been called a whore, a fat bitch.   When I say that I’ve encountered HATE, I mean just that everyone just so you’ll know, and hell I want the whole world to know this.  Encountering this kind of hate & torment really does something to a persons mind & i’m no exception.   For any one of you reading my blog I just need to spell that out just so I’m not dismissed with the inane “Well everyone gets bullied”   I feel I’m dismissed, ignored, and I’m not even treated like I have feelings!    So, basically I just will do what I want.  I care little about anyone else outside of Mom of course.   But I tell you what?  For those that get a kick out of deliberately acting ignorant & talking crazy to me, all I’ve got to say is I won’t just stand there & take it.   I will hurt you back in return.   

If you talk nasty to me, then I’ll talk as equally bad back to you.

If you try & hurt me I’ll hurt you back!   You won’t get a scared, panicked woman.   Oh no!   You’ll get a true blue fighting woman warrior.   I’m real serious because I’ve had enough.   Has anyone ever seen the movie Network?  Its a classic 70’s movie that starred William Holden.   For those of you who aren’t into classic movies there is a scene were everyone is angry of all the bullshit and there is this phrase that is a famous catch phrase for that movie.   “I’m mad as hell, and I’m not going to take it anymore”  Of course they’re saying this as they’re throwing their TV’s out of the window, but its still a phrase that I never forgot.  And its my new mantra!   I’m mad as hell and I’m not taking it anymore!  When a person is kicked around enough times this is what happens. 

At least for me anyway.    Look for more updated posts.   I doubt that anyone reads these anyway.  So I may as well say Lone Ranger I’ll be posting to you….myself in the future.

I’m not on here for any popularity contest anyway.


Published by: The Lonely Shepard

Me: I grew up in an extremely abusive & disadvantaged family environment were both parents were really immature & their relationship messy! I was abducted by my Father at age 8 abused physically, mentally, degraded by his 2nd Wife, and I didn't see my Mother again until 4 years later, I had to risk my neck + my life to run off to seek help with the local police & this was way before there was any such laws on the books for child abuse. Think on that awhile. Had learning disabilities all throughout school by the time I graduated I learned nothing, was prepared for nothing out in the World. Think on that. Joined the United States Army right out of High School only reason I did join was that at the time there was an Army recruiter right on the High School campus & he took an interest in me. So I joined. I was really in over my head. But what else could I do? I lived with a single Mom who was emotionally unstable & I had ZERO support from anyone including the school staff + administrators. The military was hard & degrading to me as a woman but I got out with an honorable discharge. More about me: A series of dead end jobs, my mind was totally a mess after I got out of the Army, still had no support not even from the Veterans admin. My journey has been a total nightmare of: trying to find out about myself, learning about myself, how to live as an adult, all with no help. Now after long , and intensive filled journey I'm trying to get back on track with my life I want to go to school with the hope of one day attending University. I don't wish my journey on anyone. No one gave me guidance: as a child as a teen as a young adult I was all on my own! and it was real lonely , isolating, extremely frightening. Family? don't really have any. Now remember everyone I'm African American & I receive little to no respect I don't even warrant a speeding car that will slow down. "The person who sang the National Anthem sang the last note so high that no could reach it! That was intentional!" Belize from Tony Kushners play Angels In America. If you've read this far I will leave my email in case you want to leave me a msg. Those that are rude will get deleted immediately. Contact: Yogibeara425@hushmail.com

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