Life With Mental Illness

I’ve lived with a Mental illness I guess since I entered into my teens.  I had to deal with:

Being a teenager & the changes that brings i.e. feeling like an ugly duckling, feeling like you don’t fit in anywhere!

A mentally ill Mother

My low self esteem

The beginning of depression

Being extremely shy

Feeling extremely lost & it seemed no one cared.

When my mental illness comes on it is like a terrible storm inside.

I feel as though I’m falling apart.

I feel complete despair like I’m falling into one big black hole & that I can’t crawl out of .

When I experience triggers like when I learned that my cousin was brutally beaten at the hands of her own Mother I felt such a rage mixed in with depression & despair I was really grateful I did not reside within the same City & state as that Mother who beat up my cousin.  I’m one who believes in vengeance!  I don’t take chlld abuse lightly either.  You can tell that crap of “let go let god” to someone who cares because I guarantee that you’ve never been on the receiving end of someones brutality.   I sure have more times than I can count too.  

Today was an absolute struggle for me.   People who beat their kids & give them bruises as well as black eyes, racial hate were racial slurs are verbally screamed at me along with death threats.  I feel ready to go to war most times.  I’ve reached my limit on violence.  My family history is steeped in it.  Violence & mental illness.  I have no clue what a nice, normal family is like.   Not one clue.   What I can tell you is I’m not shy to tell you to NOT talk to me crazy or if your stepping out of bounds!  Trust me there are a lot of stupid folks out here that act like they must have grew up in a cave or something.  I don’t know about all of you out there but I sure don’t run into nice folks.  Living with mental illness means people sure are judgemental of you, or treat you like your mentally challenged.  Rarely is there any respect mostly contempt, rudeness, mocking, jokes at your expense.  I can’t tell you how many times over the years when a stranger out on the street would mock me.  An example was a lady on the corner who was giving away free samples one summer…I say no thank you  the free sample lady repeats what I had said only it was dripping with sarcasm so I talked back to her!   I just have zero tolerance for being talked down to.   Now I don’t mind teasing IF I know you & your a friend of mine.  But don’t go & joke at my expense okay?  That is just not cool.  Just because I have a mental illness does NOT give anyone permission to talk any kind of way they want to with me.  Just so you’ll know.  I struggle, I have very little family support so for me its a day to day struggle of accompolishing even the most simple of tasks.   I have no help.  So I do the best that I can.     I’m so tired with the discrimination, bigotry, I deserve to be treated with respect, I’m equal to anyone, and I do not deserve any disrespect.  I’ll call you on that one!   I’m smart, attractive & I deserve a whole lot more!  Dealing with this alone sometimes is just more than I can stand!

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Published by: The Lonely Shepard

Me: I grew up in an extremely abusive & disadvantaged family environment were both parents were really immature & their relationship messy! I was abducted by my Father at age 8 abused physically, mentally, degraded by his 2nd Wife, and I didn't see my Mother again until 4 years later, I had to risk my neck + my life to run off to seek help with the local police & this was way before there was any such laws on the books for child abuse. Think on that awhile. Had learning disabilities all throughout school by the time I graduated I learned nothing, was prepared for nothing out in the World. Think on that. Joined the United States Army right out of High School only reason I did join was that at the time there was an Army recruiter right on the High School campus & he took an interest in me. So I joined. I was really in over my head. But what else could I do? I lived with a single Mom who was emotionally unstable & I had ZERO support from anyone including the school staff + administrators. The military was hard & degrading to me as a woman but I got out with an honorable discharge. More about me: A series of dead end jobs, my mind was totally a mess after I got out of the Army, still had no support not even from the Veterans admin. My journey has been a total nightmare of: trying to find out about myself, learning about myself, how to live as an adult, all with no help. Now after long , and intensive filled journey I'm trying to get back on track with my life I want to go to school with the hope of one day attending University. I don't wish my journey on anyone. No one gave me guidance: as a child as a teen as a young adult I was all on my own! and it was real lonely , isolating, extremely frightening. Family? don't really have any. Now remember everyone I'm African American & I receive little to no respect I don't even warrant a speeding car that will slow down. "The person who sang the National Anthem sang the last note so high that no could reach it! That was intentional!" Belize from Tony Kushners play Angels In America.

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