Frustration, pain of dealing with a Mentally ill Parent

To those of you who have STABLE parents out there?  God I do envy you all!    I. don’t.  Having a mentally unstable parent is a living nightmare especially when they’re stressed & having a bad day.   Then they make anyone’s life who comes into close contact with them an absolute hell.   My Mother was trying to pick a fight with me today.  What was the argument about?  Some damn tornado that was supposedly over in Portland Oregon!  Oh Yeah, she says to me that there is a tornado in Portland.  I says to her that tornados are not known to make it this far up North (I live in Seattle).   So Mom gets defensive like I called her a name.  I explained that tornados usually are in the Midwest or sometimes down South.   That was last night.  Today I call to ask Mom something & she brings up the stupid tornado in Portland conversation which by now I completely forgot about.   “Did you watch the news last night”?  She says.   I was already irritated I told her no I watched something else.  Mom just wouldn’t let it go, more & more she gets defensive with me I said to her “don’t take it personal I’m just giving you my point of view”  I will NOT be some yes girl to my Mother when I have a conversation I want to provide input because I have my own mind & after all I do like to think for myself, something that my Mother never taught me & I paid dearly out in the real World once I was out on my own.  Her way or the highway type of philosophy.   Toxic, toxic,toxic.   I just don’t know how to deal with her.   I do my best to offer up resources of help because I can’t stand nor for my own sanity be around her at all.  She complains about everything.  About stress, about bills, about the house which I’ve said that she needs to downsize & sell it.   I can’t help her with it since during the last 3 decades I’ve had to start all over like a victim who is paralyzed from an accident & has to start over with walking, talking, doing everything?   I’ve had to do that except for learning to walk, talk.  I’ve had to play Mom & Dad to myself.   And let me tell you its damn near impossible because you sure don’t learn any maturity that way….if your lucky enough it could take years if you ever learn at all.   Hey that’s the reality everyone.   So Mom goes into her high pitch screech ( can’t this woman take a chill pill??)  But you know what?  I’ve given up with her.  My new therapist suggests to take a break from her, that whenever she calls?  Make up any kind of excuse…i.e. I’m just heading out the door, I have an appointment…basically anything to cut the conversation short which is fine by me!   But what about down the road in the long term?   I’m unfortunate enough to be an only child at least if I had other siblings then they could bear the brunt of Mom the prima donna that she is.  My Father has been dead for 7 years now.  I don’t have him to talk to.  I’m very angry with my Mother.  She has let me down so much in my life when I needed her the most too.   From languishing in abuse from my Father & his 2nd Wife were Mom did nothing to help or at least meet me in secrecy.  To her constant neglect when I entered my teen years, all the cursing, the threats, the going straight up to her bedroom after she got home from work with not so much as a “how was school”.  

Neglect & ignoring me is all she seems to know.   She has repeated the cycle when I came home one year for Army leave  I was about to ship out to Germany for a year so what does Mom do on my last night before I ship out?   She stays in her bedroom, door closed with not so much as a word to me before she re emerges to take me to the airport.

Wow!  Real glad I never had any children when this is the family background I came from.  I have no regrets either.  I mean how could I have kids?   My whole family is steeped with Mental Illness & violent nasty behavior!

I feel:

Frustration

Lots & lots of pain

Inner turmoil that is just undescribeable

extreme rage

Wondering what a loving family is like.

The closest I get to a loving family is watching one on TV

Because I know of NO ONE!

Therapy can only go so far too.  So if your unfortunate to have the kind of sick family that I do your basically screwed because no one wants to be around someone from a sick family and sometimes my own toxic stuff comes out because I’ve had so much abuse, racial slurs, and everything in between all done to me.   I’m a mess from all of this!

A wonderful loving family!   No idea what that is like.  But I sure would like to be a part of one someday.   Yeah right!

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