Frustration, pain of dealing with a Mentally ill Parent

To those of you who have STABLE parents out there?  God I do envy you all!    I. don’t.  Having a mentally unstable parent is a living nightmare especially when they’re stressed & having a bad day.   Then they make anyone’s life who comes into close contact with them an absolute hell.   My Mother was trying to pick a fight with me today.  What was the argument about?  Some damn tornado that was supposedly over in Portland Oregon!  Oh Yeah, she says to me that there is a tornado in Portland.  I says to her that tornados are not known to make it this far up North (I live in Seattle).   So Mom gets defensive like I called her a name.  I explained that tornados usually are in the Midwest or sometimes down South.   That was last night.  Today I call to ask Mom something & she brings up the stupid tornado in Portland conversation which by now I completely forgot about.   “Did you watch the news last night”?  She says.   I was already irritated I told her no I watched something else.  Mom just wouldn’t let it go, more & more she gets defensive with me I said to her “don’t take it personal I’m just giving you my point of view”  I will NOT be some yes girl to my Mother when I have a conversation I want to provide input because I have my own mind & after all I do like to think for myself, something that my Mother never taught me & I paid dearly out in the real World once I was out on my own.  Her way or the highway type of philosophy.   Toxic, toxic,toxic.   I just don’t know how to deal with her.   I do my best to offer up resources of help because I can’t stand nor for my own sanity be around her at all.  She complains about everything.  About stress, about bills, about the house which I’ve said that she needs to downsize & sell it.   I can’t help her with it since during the last 3 decades I’ve had to start all over like a victim who is paralyzed from an accident & has to start over with walking, talking, doing everything?   I’ve had to do that except for learning to walk, talk.  I’ve had to play Mom & Dad to myself.   And let me tell you its damn near impossible because you sure don’t learn any maturity that way….if your lucky enough it could take years if you ever learn at all.   Hey that’s the reality everyone.   So Mom goes into her high pitch screech ( can’t this woman take a chill pill??)  But you know what?  I’ve given up with her.  My new therapist suggests to take a break from her, that whenever she calls?  Make up any kind of excuse…i.e. I’m just heading out the door, I have an appointment…basically anything to cut the conversation short which is fine by me!   But what about down the road in the long term?   I’m unfortunate enough to be an only child at least if I had other siblings then they could bear the brunt of Mom the prima donna that she is.  My Father has been dead for 7 years now.  I don’t have him to talk to.  I’m very angry with my Mother.  She has let me down so much in my life when I needed her the most too.   From languishing in abuse from my Father & his 2nd Wife were Mom did nothing to help or at least meet me in secrecy.  To her constant neglect when I entered my teen years, all the cursing, the threats, the going straight up to her bedroom after she got home from work with not so much as a “how was school”.  

Neglect & ignoring me is all she seems to know.   She has repeated the cycle when I came home one year for Army leave  I was about to ship out to Germany for a year so what does Mom do on my last night before I ship out?   She stays in her bedroom, door closed with not so much as a word to me before she re emerges to take me to the airport.

Wow!  Real glad I never had any children when this is the family background I came from.  I have no regrets either.  I mean how could I have kids?   My whole family is steeped with Mental Illness & violent nasty behavior!

I feel:

Frustration

Lots & lots of pain

Inner turmoil that is just undescribeable

extreme rage

Wondering what a loving family is like.

The closest I get to a loving family is watching one on TV

Because I know of NO ONE!

Therapy can only go so far too.  So if your unfortunate to have the kind of sick family that I do your basically screwed because no one wants to be around someone from a sick family and sometimes my own toxic stuff comes out because I’ve had so much abuse, racial slurs, and everything in between all done to me.   I’m a mess from all of this!

A wonderful loving family!   No idea what that is like.  But I sure would like to be a part of one someday.   Yeah right!

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Published by: The Lonely Shepard

Me: I grew up in an extremely abusive & disadvantaged family environment were both parents were really immature & their relationship messy! I was abducted by my Father at age 8 abused physically, mentally, degraded by his 2nd Wife, and I didn't see my Mother again until 4 years later, I had to risk my neck + my life to run off to seek help with the local police & this was way before there was any such laws on the books for child abuse. Think on that awhile. Had learning disabilities all throughout school by the time I graduated I learned nothing, was prepared for nothing out in the World. Think on that. Joined the United States Army right out of High School only reason I did join was that at the time there was an Army recruiter right on the High School campus & he took an interest in me. So I joined. I was really in over my head. But what else could I do? I lived with a single Mom who was emotionally unstable & I had ZERO support from anyone including the school staff + administrators. The military was hard & degrading to me as a woman but I got out with an honorable discharge. More about me: A series of dead end jobs, my mind was totally a mess after I got out of the Army, still had no support not even from the Veterans admin. My journey has been a total nightmare of: trying to find out about myself, learning about myself, how to live as an adult, all with no help. Now after long , and intensive filled journey I'm trying to get back on track with my life I want to go to school with the hope of one day attending University. I don't wish my journey on anyone. No one gave me guidance: as a child as a teen as a young adult I was all on my own! and it was real lonely , isolating, extremely frightening. Family? don't really have any. Now remember everyone I'm African American & I receive little to no respect I don't even warrant a speeding car that will slow down. "The person who sang the National Anthem sang the last note so high that no could reach it! That was intentional!" Belize from Tony Kushners play Angels In America. If you've read this far I will leave my email in case you want to leave me a msg. Those that are rude will get deleted immediately. Contact: Yogibeara425@hushmail.com

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