It’s Saturday Night. Do You Have Any Plans??

It’s Saturday night everyone.  So what are you doing?  Any takers out there?  Me I’m home alone and pacing the apartment when I’m not on this laptop in the dark the TV is on just for the noise.   I’m feeling very restless.  You may ask me (or not) what am I doing?  Well ladies & gentlemen nothing really.  Its not real safe to go out….alone.  Then were in the heck do I go?  It’s just not safe.  l own no car.  So what would I do out at night catch a bus?  Your crazy.  So here I sit for right now I’m calm a few minutes ago?  I was in the mini throes of my illness that’s mental illness reliving every painful experience that’s ever happened to me.  Neglect, abuse, living alone and you know what?  I have been alone since the age of 3 when I was left home alone isn’t it crazy how all these many years later I’m still alone.   I cry out my pain I want a family but I don’t have one….Don’t know if you all have bothered to read my other blogs…..well have you?  Anyway I am crying out my pain & all these years alone have really affected my mind.  My mind is affected right now the only reprieve is me typing this blog out it keeps the mental illness at bay…..And you know what people I have to say this cause its important without family support?  for a person living with mental illness is similar to living on a prison death row.

Its a pain you could never really imagine as you go to bed to snuggle up tonight with your loved one or go sit at the kitchen table with your cup of tea talking over your day with your family.  I feel the pain of all my years of being single, of being abandoned by Mom in that courthouse during that nasty custody battle with my parents, Its the girl you hope to have only to be disappointed to learn she is getting back with the ex, its the Father who kept his Cancer illness a secret only to move way over to the Southeast to die and your kept out of his funeral…..I have so much more and the problem with always being alone everyone is that your all alone with your thoughts and there is no break.   I wail & sob like a little child….one night I had a bad relapse remembering an especially painful time when I was separated from my Mother when I was 8 during a custody battle….you see Mom has mental illness & she is emotionally cold & distant person….I just started wailing real loud “Where is My Mother”!   Saturday night I hate, I also hate Sunday, I hate Monday, I hate Tuesday….yeah I know I’m being redundant I’m sick and in a lot of torment.   I find myself wondering what people are doing tonight.  Are they watching a movie with a big bowl of popcorn…are they making love, are they tucking the kids into bed, what must people be doing in their own homes tonight?   Hey, this is what goes on in my mind while I’m here all alone.   Theres no one here but me and it has affected me in ways you can’t even imagine everyone!   I see why people do drugs….if it were possible I would try to get on some medical pot but I don’t qualify.  Because I can tell you I’ve lived alone like this for maybe 6000 or more days sorry I haven’t had the chance to do the math over how many days straight in a row I’ve been alone….so I just estimate hope you all don’t mind.   I think if I actually did figure in out I would go straight to the Aurora bridge and just jump!  So I’m guessing.   I’m in a lot of pain.  So tell me what are you all out there doing tonight?  I’m curious.  What are you all doing for the 4th Of July?  Would you leave me a comment?   Will you be barbequing out in the back yard?  Or will you go to a friends or relatives house for that?  Will you go to a local park to watch fireworks with your loved ones?  Make sure you tell them you love them & give them a big hug…cause you all out there just don’t realize just how lucky you all are.   I’m just asking I’m full of curiosity.   So what will you do tonight?  I’m pretty much all alone in the World.  And if you think that’s easy then YOU are the one losing your mind…lol.   It is the most difficult journey you never want to be on.  Trust me on that one you all.   Living the way I do?  You are more prone to getting into trouble just use your imagination, more prone to say hanging out with the wrong crowd cause that can happen to anyone.  More prone to say any kind of self destruction.  I know what I’m talking about.   People this is WHY other people who live in despair rely on substances just to get them through the day.   Sure enough!

So do me a huge favor will you? When you spend time with your:

Family

Your spouse,boyfriend,girlfriend

Your kids

Make sure to give them a great big hug then think of me and give me a hug because I can tell you that you all out there that these things I go through are REAL! Those of you who have it all are fortunate to have what you have.  Love is all I ever wanted in my life.   And I am still all these many years since I was 8 am still on the front stoop waiting for it to come my way.   Once again I’ve been stood up waiting on love.  I sure do feel like a child on Christmas who Santa has forgotten.

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Published by: The Lonely Shepard

Me: I grew up in an extremely abusive & disadvantaged family environment were both parents were really immature & their relationship messy! I was abducted by my Father at age 8 abused physically, mentally, degraded by his 2nd Wife, and I didn't see my Mother again until 4 years later, I had to risk my neck + my life to run off to seek help with the local police & this was way before there was any such laws on the books for child abuse. Think on that awhile. Had learning disabilities all throughout school by the time I graduated I learned nothing, was prepared for nothing out in the World. Think on that. Joined the United States Army right out of High School only reason I did join was that at the time there was an Army recruiter right on the High School campus & he took an interest in me. So I joined. I was really in over my head. But what else could I do? I lived with a single Mom who was emotionally unstable & I had ZERO support from anyone including the school staff + administrators. The military was hard & degrading to me as a woman but I got out with an honorable discharge. More about me: A series of dead end jobs, my mind was totally a mess after I got out of the Army, still had no support not even from the Veterans admin. My journey has been a total nightmare of: trying to find out about myself, learning about myself, how to live as an adult, all with no help. Now after long , and intensive filled journey I'm trying to get back on track with my life I want to go to school with the hope of one day attending University. I don't wish my journey on anyone. No one gave me guidance: as a child as a teen as a young adult I was all on my own! and it was real lonely , isolating, extremely frightening. Family? don't really have any. Now remember everyone I'm African American & I receive little to no respect I don't even warrant a speeding car that will slow down. "The person who sang the National Anthem sang the last note so high that no could reach it! That was intentional!" Belize from Tony Kushners play Angels In America.

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