How I Feel About My Life

Judging by the lack of response it appears that no one is interested in what I write.  Fine by me I just need to remember that I blog for me, I have no one to talk to, no one to share this with.  I’ve found most people that I’ve met to be pretty intolerant & not fully appreciating me for who I am which is a great person.  If none of you approve, well I don’t care.  I do this for me.  I know that no one cares about me, that’s a hard fact to face, its nothing I do.  Its just the reality of living in a World that’s self absorbed & narcisstic.  I don’t feel necessarily good about my life.  That’s just how I feel.  I’m trying awfully hard but so far I’m at a dead end.   Finding therapy has proven real challenging.  I can’t seem to find anyone who will take my insurance and most places in the mental health field want certain kinds of insurance.  Also I find that I deal with a great deal of stigma out in the World.  That’s a shame.  I’m so through with this Society at large.  Seems like I could find some support somewhere only problem I just don’t know where.   I tried N.A.M.I. out in the town of Redmond.  Redmond was too far on the bus plus some of those folks don’t take baths meaning the body odor is more than I can stand.   Say what you will about me & I know that it probably isn’t real good which is sad for me, but I practice daily hygiene.  Unfortunately you run into something like that with people withy mental illness.   So I’ll try to find another meeting out in another suburb held in a Church.  Kind of far but it might be a little better.  My other pet peeve was that the Redmond NAMI was in a room full of florescent lighting…..can’t stand it and hardly makes for a relaxing, laid back support group meeting.

Things aren’t going real well for the time being how I feel is a lot like when a person has a strenuous workout, tired, and just plain exhausted.   But mostly depressed, real sad.  Is there light at the end of this tunnel?   I just have to wonder about that.   What is taking so long with that help for me.   You know what it feels like?  Your all alone out on a battlefield like in a war zone & you have no back up, no battalion, your all alone fighting an enemy and no one has your back & there is no help on the way.   This is how I feel all the time.   I’m sending the distress signal but no one is coming.    I often felt like this as a child too.   I do have goals I am trying to go into worker retraining once I’ve finished it (I still need to attend orientation & a bunch of other stuff)  I would very much like to join the Peace Corp.  Don’t know if I’ll get accepted but I’m so very tired of Society, these selfish types.   Don’t much care for City life either.  I did an internet search.   However I’d make sure I’d take plenty of medication 6 months worth, hopefully I can’t have them shipped whenever I would need a refill.  Peace Corp is a 2 or 3 year commitment which is fine by me.   I figure I would take up carpentry to be able to help build whatever is needed to the Country of my choice.  Carpenters I feel are needed just about everywhere there is stuff that always need to be built.   I really want to do the Peace Corps.  A nice thing about the Peace Corp is that there is no age limit I don’t think a College degree is necessary, cause I don’t possess one except for the 2 year degree I would complete in the carpentry course.  I will also upgrade my blog to the premium package then post pictures on here.  

I’ve pretty much have given up on meeting people for now of course here isn’t the easiest place to meet anyone.  Most of the non profit places for support or anything else are now gone.  Seattle is awful for that now its all about Meetup then to enroll on there you must download a picture or include your facebook page.  Too much hassle & I don’t like Meetup.  Its gotten way too technical for me.  Don’t much care for it either.  Especially with all the scam artists especially who use Facebook.

Whether you read me or not that’s okay.  But I sure could use prayers.  Come on do something nice for someone (me) who might not be fairing well and I’m not.  I feel as though I’ve got a flu of the brain.  Show me some love.  Cause I ain’t too proud to beg (Title from the former hip hop band TLC)

So tomorrow yet another new day.  Perhaps it will be better.

To be continued……

Church

Where the heck does one go for a lively Church service?  That’s what I really prefer only problem I’m gay & I like music, people excited to be in Church & most importantly friendly.  I’ve visited some gay affirming Churches in Seattle but mostly its older people, no music and real dull.  One church Christian Faith has what I’m looking for in a Church its every age, full of diversity only problem its not gay friendly its real conservative.  In 2010 I’ve visited around four different Churches usually it was an uncomfortable experience.  Metropolitan Community Church I guess that’s what its called…MCC for short was the worst.  I attended a service that year & it was a pretty small congregation, a new Pastor, and some real uptight LGBT folks.  When I went the Pastor was just outside the door greeting everyone so far its okay.  I told him that this was my first time Pastor John (not his real name) tried to introduce me around.  Both the Pastor & I came upon a female couple both in their 30’s when I was introduced however they seemed real uptight with mechanical smiles on their faces.  After that the couple were joined at the hip & they never came to talk to me.  That really hurt my feelings here I thought that Church would be a friendly experience.  So I stayed on for the service I sat alone, no one offered to me a chance to sit next to them.  I have to say that this was so far the coldest Church congregation that I’ve ever been to.  I’ve attended Church in the past & those Churches which I’ve attended were a lot more congenial than MCC on Capitol Hill.  Made me real sad.  I tried to stay after for the buffet or potluck.  I’ll be nice & say I didn’t eat very much.  I then sat down to a table were two women (a couple) who were middle aged sat.  One of them seemed real awkward but at least she talked to me or more aptly said a few words.  All I remember was that the woman said hi and the woman had said “Well we’re from Everett so we don’t get out much”  That was pretty much all she said.  You know I’m great at conversation but it was pretty obvious that there just wasn’t much chemistry for any exciting conversation.  I mean the person I’m talking to just has to meet me half way & try otherwise I just lose interest.  I don’t like putting in all the work & effort at getting someone to talk.  So I usually move on which I did.  I’ve traveled around a lot, I’ve lived in 6 different Cities, I’ve been to Europe twice so I just got up then left to go home.

I’ve tried other Churches most didn’t really pan out & they were too far for me to travel on the bus.  I also like multi cultural Churches, music were theres guitar, singing, drums usually the Baptist Churches have them but they tend toward the homophobic & are real conservative.  I am single, have never married, and I don’t have kids.  I feel that I would not fit in.

Being gay is in my opinion is one big disappointment for me.  I am just disappointed with it.  Can’t say I care much for it.  Right now I would be open to going back to guys but I won’t wear a dress.  I’m considering a complete makeover to include losing weight beyond that I don’t know.

Right now, this life just isn’t working out for me.  Sorry if I might offend whoever is reading this but I’m really put off by this lifestyle (or lack thereof in my case)  and I’m looking to really overhaul my life.   Its just very unsatisfying for me and I’ve been trying to put myself out there for a number of years and still nothing.  I’m at a time in my life were this is just no longer appealing .  This is how I feel.  I just have no one else to talk to about all this not even my own Mother because she is settled into her ways & is pretty lethargic when it comes to living a meaningful & active lifestyle.  She lives her life in front of the TV something she has done since I was in high school.   She is into the self pity, depression thing, no motivation whatsoever.  I don’t have any family really.  

Anyone out there if you have a friendly non judgmental comment to send me I would appreciate it a whole lot.  And remember I want non judgmental, no negative, preachy comments cause I just won’t read it.  I’ll delete it real quick.  Its time for a change.  I hope I can get what I want.  I want friends with real self esteem & can carry a good conversation.  I want to do things like going bowling, go out to eat, do outdoor activities even riding a bike something I haven’t done in ages.   I just don’t know what my next move should be.

The Craziest Stuff Thats Happened To Me.

Yes lord, there has been some crazy shit that’s happened to me in my life.  And I’m not trying to be funny either.  I was listening to some music on YouTube mostly rap hip hop DMX, Cypress Hill, A Tribe Called Quest, Eminem, when it hit me I want to blog about crazy shit that’s happened to me living alone.   Yeah, that’s right.  People love to judge me.  And don’t know me from a can of paint but oh people love to say your this or your that ( put anything negative here)  But what some of you fail to realize that as a woman of color living by yourself on your own with no one to watch your back or even care how your doing ( that includes my Moms)  you have to be tough or guess what everyone? you’ll sure enough get preyed upon by the wolves out here.  Especially women all alone.  You can figure that one out, make one wrong decision or be too nice to some stranger & you could get violated or even killed.   Being naiive could really get you in some serious trouble, especially as a woman all out on her own.    With that I’ll give you some of the craziest shit that’s happened.   Lets see where to start.   Okay well there was the hate crime I was victim to back in 2010 which I still haven’t gotten over and I still have outbursts over that which I had early this morning.  Thing that really hurt most was no one, but no one cared.  Not the other people on the bus, not the police, not the folks at the Martin Luther King Jr. march back in January when I carried a sign which I made myself which said exactly what happened.  Just goes to show you that other African Americans here in the Pacific Northwest can be just as cold as other races, cause no one said a damn thing to me except  one middle aged White lady who said how sorry that I experienced something so horrific, so I guess I could count my blessing on that.   On top of having the “N” word screamed at me over 7-10 times the woman said she’d stab me with her knife.  She said (all the while screaming this on a packed bus) that she wanted to kill me.  Police knew this troll, I filed a report then nothing.

In 2008 I wake up in the wee hours around 2AM from a real good sleep to a serious pounding on a door like the Police was here.   I was fucking scared too.  So I put on my robe then head out to my living room.  At the time I lived out in Burien some 10 minutes from the Seattle/Tacoma International airport.  Its a bad area too.  So anyway I get to the living room and I still hear the aggressive pounding which after I’m coming out of my sleepy state is someone who is not kicking my door but the door directly across from me in rapid succession and it didn’t cease either.  I’m irritated because its 2AM, I’m woke up out of a good sleep which doesn’t come easy for me not at all.  So I say through my door to “Knock It Off” Now you know what Hey, I’m not some passive P***y I didn’t want to go & cower over in a corner. I kind of understand why people own guns its for these crazy fools. .   The psycho then screamed through my door calling me a whore ( That thing sure don’t know me calling me that as I live a life real close to a monk at a monastery)  and some other obscenities that I don’t remember.   I wasn’t expecting that, I was frozen with fear.   I did NOT open my door, I have more sense than that.  So I yell through my door that I’m calling the Police.  Then the drama stopped.  The perpetrators then ran off jumped in their car then took off.   Police came over one of them was real nice almost zen like in the way he spoke to me.   I never met a cop like this one, cause most are uptight & mean especially when they deal with people of color.  Cops aren’t too fond of the Black & Brown.  Its very true.   So I could appreciate the officers nice demeanor.  A few minutes later the perpetrator which as it turns out was the drunken neighbor who is just a little bit too fond of the tequila bottle returns to talk with the cops saying some lie cause you know he won’t implicate him or his girl ( As it turns out it was the drunken troll who was locked out of her apt by the boyfriend due to their drinking, no one explained it to me I figured it some time later 😦  ).   But that’s not all boys & girls cause you know what came next?    I got a very unpleasant surprise later on the same day.

  it might have been 2PM as I slept late ( I finally got to sleep around 6AM) Mom’s come by to check up on me.  So I go to open the door Mom is in shock mixed in with some anger, Mom’s says to me ” have you been outside and looked at the stairwell, its filthy!”    I thought that Mom’s was referring to how the lazy the maintenance was he almost never sweeps the steps which were always dirty, oh no little did I know it was much worse than a few crumbs & dirt lining the carpeted stairwell.   There was vomit cover about half the stairs! When I poked my head out the stench hit me like a 2 by 4.   NASTY!  I thought that I might puke.  Mom’s was furious as was I.   Low down nasty, evil neighbors.  My guess that it was payback for me calling the cops.   I had a feeling that this was absolutely deliberate.  Mom went directly to the management to report it.   It took almost 45 minutes for someone to clean it up.  But they did a sub par job cause the stench stayed for nearly 2 weeks after!  Every time I left my apartment I was carrying my Lysol spray.   Nothing really happened except the guy of the couple causing all this drama moved out 3 days later but the evil troll stayed.  After that I slept with one eye opened & buy an aluminum baseball bat at the local sporting goods store.  

 

I’ve got to continue this later I need to get ready you all, plus I’m having some technical trouble with this blog the sentances I’m typing are all bunching up. So I’ll take a break. Be right back in a little while. But before I go, remember that Dr Seuss book called “All The Places You’ll Go?” Well I need to write a book called “All The Crazy Shit That Happens!

I am back Jack! So now this brings me to the Spring of 2010. Its around Memorial Day weekend. Only I sure ain’t enjoying mine, do you want to know why? Because once again at 2AM I’m being awaken out of a good sleep by someone pounding on my door like they’re the Police scaring the absolute shit out of me because that’s just who I thought it was ….the damn Police! I am mad by this time & I ask through my front the “Who the hell is this?” The answer I got on the other end sent an absolute shiver down my spine then sent me into a panic that I haven’t know since when I was brutally abused by my Step Mom.
Here is what the male said on the other side of the door ( I will add asterisks & symbols..its bad)
“I’m here to **** you up your ass now open up”
Me: “Oh yeah M*********?”
Then the couple cause it was an much older woman with a tanned good looking young man, they came down the stairs out into the parking lot I ran to my balcony calling 911. Then like vapor they disappeared to where? I had no idea. Like a dope since I thought that they had left I told the 911 dispatcher not to send a squad car.
Now here is the kicker. I was furious so to calm myself down I stepped out onto my deck when VOILA I spot the offending couple come out with…who else? My redneck neighbor. Next day I went to the manager to tell her. Redneck Jeb retaliated by scrawling racial slurs on my door then vandalizing it. But not to worry my friends I got him back! I will not disclose what I did but lets just say that I mailed him a surprise that I’m sure he won’t soon forget. It was the first time I did anything like that too. And not too worry everyone I’m smart so there wasn’t anything that traced it back to me. And I made sure I had already moved out. Now I don’t advocate this sort of thing but when you threaten me with rape, scrawl racial slurs on my door well I kind of reached my breaking point. Well that’s it for now, I need a smoke. Stay tuned to more adventures (and misadventures) of your favorite tough broad of the Pacific Northwest cause I may just surprise you with something else. Stay tuned. Send me your love, support & prayers no matter what or how you worship.

What I Miss Most From Childhood & Adulthood

There are certain times of the year that I really get melancholy of days gone by.  This happens around the Summer, my favorite time of year for me.   I don’t much care for the other times of the year mainly because I’m single with minimal to no family.   So this blog is about what I miss most of things that I no longer can enjoy due to no friends to share it with, then my Mother who chooses to watch all the crimes shows but for the most part is pretty much a couch potato who wallows in constant depression.

My Father has been dead going on 7 years July of 2006. 

What I miss:

Picnics I just love them!  When I was real little say 9 years old my Father used to take me to a park out in Inglewood California (back when it was still safe) every Memorial Day, 4th Of July, and Labor Day.  It was so much fun.  

Hanging out with my Cousins Pam & Chris…I was pretty devastated when they moved away but that’s another story.

Hanging with my Cousins when we would go to the movies that was so fun.

My time when I was in Germany while I was in the Military.  The German people are so nice I should have stayed over there when I decided to leave the service.

My friends from the 80’s they were the BEST!  Actually nice with a personality not like the people today or the sad sack folks I’ve met after.   I was spoiled & treated like royalty, once you get used to being treated well its hard to adjust being alone & no one pays any attention to you.

Dinners at Benihanna’s Japanese restaurant.  The best restaurant in Seattle.

Going Boating with my friends Rob & Jeff around Puget Sound (Jeff ended up committing suicide 😦

Dinners over at Danny’s house over on Capital Hill OMG he was the best cook in Seattle, he made a wonderful lasagna.

Going to the club with my friends.  Although the music at Neighbors sucked…it was that God awful techno music ( I heard it was so it would attract the White crowd :() My good friend Ed Who Always had my back   it was fun with the guys.

Hanging with my friends at the Jade Pagoda ( J.P. is gone a stupid Palades school and that section of Broadway is so totally GENTRIFIED….barf!

Going anywhere with my guy friends.

This list isn’t inclusive I just can’t remember everything my friends & I did.  But I can tell you I haven’t found ANYONE that have been suitable replacements since.  Its sad.   Most of the people I’ve met were always insecure & were always into putting me down or themselves.   Didn’t stay with those people.  Now with Summer in full swing here, I’m kind of left wondering what the heck to do.   Its real hard.  Finding somewhere to volunteer because its just like finding a job.  And I want to do more than answer phones I’ve done that on a lot of the jobs that I’ve held.   I’m still looking into that one.   I still spend the majority of my time reading a lot of books I now check out (when the books come in off of reserve that is)  about 6 books at once & I read them pretty fast.   That’s all there is to do for right now.  At least I have Circle Of Friends (You can Google it)  I’m going to try to get out there on Saturday.  My life is just not any fun and life is very short I want to make the most of it.   I miss so much from my old life.   A lot has changed and from what I notice from the folks I observe I sure don’t like it.  People are meaner more emotionally distant, everyone is married & have kids I swear where are all the nice single folks at?  Have they been abducted by aliens?   I have no idea.   Gangs are everywhere & in the majority of the rest of the U.S.   its downright depressing now.   I don’t even have family to turn to.  No siblings, and a Mother who wallows  and is in her own World no matter how hard I try to get her to do things, I get tired of being her pep squad, and Mom gets on my nerves a whole lot.  I like motivated people who like to do things, I love surprises (the good kind not the bad)  I like spontaneity and I love FUN! Which I don’t get to have too much of.   So I’m trying to figure it all out & it ain’t easy either.   I suppose I will come up with something.   Its awfully lonely here where I live.  This is not anything I would wish on my worst enemy.   So as I’ve said in previous blogs if your fortunate enough to have the great family, the great relationship, great friends with whom you get to spend time with? Count your blessings and be glad that you ain’t me.   Thanks for reading.  Send me your prayers no matter what religion and if you don’t believe in anything send me some positive messages anyway please, cause I sure do need them.  I need all the luck I can get.

Let Me Do My Journey My Way Please

I’m on a difficult journey.  I understand all to well that no one will be there to help me.  To this I say fine by me.   Its nothing new to me.  What I need is less opinions & that dreadful tough love talk cause growing up I’ve had enough brutal tough love to last me ten lifetimes, it wasn’t necessary and all too often much too cruel.  Same happened all throughout my adult life.  NO.

What I need, all I need is to be loved & supported.  That should be real easy on here as this is online so its not like we will meet face to face.  Not like I will make any appearances in your lives.   Have a one & only love in your life?  I think its wonderful, it won’t hurt anyone to give me a little shout out of love & support.  Simple words of encouragement will most definitely see me through this road I’m on.   That’s all I want, it doesn’t cost anything I just want you all to show me some love.   I know what I want in life and this is one of them.   Self esteem the good kind doesn’t get developed overnight.  I once had it, my self esteem was in essence chewed up & spit out in my face so I have my work cut out for me here.  All I want is some positive energies sent my way, love, support.  Something I’ve never really received.   I deserve an entire Niagara Falls of love & support.  

Until next time everyone.

Sorry Not Reading Comments At This Time

To those of you who’ve commented on here.  Thanks but I will not be reading any comments at this time.  Too emotionally fragile right now, don’t wish to read something that might not be all too nice.  I only blog for my own mental health anyway I never expect anyone to pay attention.  I have my own issues which most folks don’t understand or condemn me.    I do the best I can.  I’m working as hard as I can.  So any & all comments will go unread.  This is my blog so I can do what I wish with it.

Simple Kindness….It Goes A Long Way!

Today is Saturday here in the Pacific Northwest.  I wake up its another day of what to do with myself.   Today was a little bit better at least no episodes…I was somewhat cranky but that subsided.  I awoke early perhaps a bit too early because I had planned on going to Circle Of Friends out in the U-District.  However I was conflicted on whether or not I would go there to COF or the Bon Odori festival.  Bon Odori is the annual Japanese festival held around the World actually.   Since I ride the bus, the bus is real stressful as well its a total grind I had to figure out which event to go to so as not to tire myself out.   Today there was good news all of my library books that I reserved were ready for pickup.   I had to have those books!  Books are to me what an IV drip is to an ailing hospital patient.  So, change of plans I decide to pick up my books at the library, then I decided to attend Bon Odori on Sunday on the same day that I will try a Buddhist temple over in Seattle.  Nice thing well the rare thing about living alone when your making plans you can always change them & there is no one to nag you about it.   Since I woke up way too early & I was still tired from my manic episode from the night before,so I opted to rest a few more hours, once I woke up I took my shower, then I went to go get my books.   A good plan.

Today was pretty good.   I went to the library, then on to a vegetarian thai restaurant.  I have now officially given up all meat for good.   The restaurant & staff were real nice, and right before I got up to leave with my food one of the women on staff asked me what I was reading.  Now to most of you this probably would be no big deal….however for me?  It was a pretty big deal since no one really talks to me or for that matter pays me any attention.   Its true, and its one of the many reasons that living here day in day out has really affected me psychologically, I’m nice, friendly, I was outgoing at one time, and I used to laugh a lot, I was a free spirit too.   But all these many years of living on my own as well as living alone has taken a huge toll on my mind.  When the lady asked me about what book I was reading? I was taken aback for a about a second because I was somewhat shocked that anyone would even care.  I got used to being ignored for way too long it seemed.   I quickly recovered and told the woman about my book & briefly gave her a brief description.  I am now reading The Help I also have about 4 or 5 other books.   Her simple kindness or her curiosity had mean’t a lot.  Know why?  Because once I got outside of the restaurant?  I felt a surge of good feelings just from that simple question the lady asked me.   I don’t get to feel that way…ever!  Rarely.   Made me feel real good.  And let me tell you its been YEARS since I even had anyone notice me or anything.  You just have no idea how that makes you feel.  After awhile you start to feel dead inside in addition to feeling deep depression.   Psychological scars are no joke.  Its incredibly difficult.  And I try so hard, all I really want is to be included, welcomed into a group, and not judged by how I look, which isn’t bad at all.  I always feel left out.   Its not a good feeling.  Being single & alone is not fun.  The being single I don’t mind since relationships seem to me to be one big pain in the ass anyway.  I noticed that while in the Safeway store buying ice tea, I notice a couple fussing about where a certain item was.   I had to laugh.   Plus I don’t like to be told what to do.   Its good friends that I want more than anything.  Good friends are real hard to find.  And I sure don’t want any off of Facebook.   I hope to make some friends at this Buddhist temple I will try to go every Sunday all on my own.  Can’t tell Mom because she will have a fit!   She is Catholic.  But where I go is my business so long as I don’t do harm to myself or others..hey its my life.   Please give me your continued support & many prayers whatever your religion may be.  Because I am still recovering.  I’m broken & broken hearted.  Thanks for reading.  Hope I didn’t bore you all 🙂

Living On Your Own

I’m doing alright for now, had a real bad bout of my illness.  So just now I’m in bed its late but I do my best thinking while lying in bed.   And I had many thoughts going on at once it seemed but one thought was how ill equipped I am to even live alone.  Its just not for me.  Only thing is that I really had no choice since living at my Mothers house was not much of an option because she is unstable plus she lives with her Husband who is also a bit on the unstable side & kind of a creep.  I think I may have heard somewhere or heard it from someone about living on your own.  That it builds character or something.  Well living on your own may build character, but living alone is for me somewhat like a prison only difference is I could come & go as I like.   But its real lonely, not much fun and I realize that there would be a line out my door to live alone especially those with kids but for me I would be the one to gladly take their place.  I like the noise of kids, the chaos I’m just not cut out for living alone.   I’m a huge fan of the extended family where generations live under one roof just like what other cultures have practiced for many decades.  I’m really born into the wrong culture here.  What worries me is that with the constant stress of living alone that it could shorten my lifespan.  This is not something I just happen to think up just now I actually read that somewhere.   Not to mention it is incredibly boring & unsatisfying.  Don’t mind sleeping alone I’m fine with that I just want to hear someone else’s voice in the house.  I wouldn’t mind a break where myself & whoever would do our own thing whether that be reading a book & I would do my own thing, but I do like someone else in the house with me.  It would do my mental health a world of good.  I’ve lived this way for many years and let me tell you, I just have never liked it.  I had some bad roommates most have sucked, but I did live with some cool roommates right out of College it was three other women & me we shared a three bedroom rambler type of house over in the suburbs the same one where I currently live.  I was pretty happy.  However we rented the place & the owners of the property weren’t paying their mortgage & we were given I think 2 weeks to move out.  I was so incredibly angry with those owners as well as pretty devastated cause I really liked the house & the women I lived with.

My suggestion is get some roommates you like perhaps your friends or if your lucky a significant other.  I’ve always wanted to live with someone now that’s a big step in any relationship.  But that’s never happened mainly because I’ve had such a difficult time in meeting anyone.  I’ve never been real lucky in love sad to say.   It seems cupid constantly missed the mark where I’m concerned.   I don’t know, but I just like someone there in the house.  I tried to talk to my Mother about this, and I swear I don’t know why I even bother telling her anything! Cause all she says to me is “Well when you live with someone theres problems”  blah, blah, blah.   She just did not validate my feelings whatsoever.   It sucks.   So I’m left with my feelings and no one to share them with except on here.   I love blogging on here but it would be so nice to have another human being preferably an intelligent one who would just listen to me.   Its stuff like this that I go into my manic episodes.  Stress always triggers it.   My life sucks I’m trying to make it better.   Show me some love by sending me some much needed prayers.   Cause I’m trying but always I feel that no one cares or even pays attention.   I need to know someone out there cares.

Inside My Madness?

I’m in the throes of my manic episode right now.  Its 8PM Friday night.  I’m hitting myself in the head with my yellow legal tablet the safest thing to use when you get like this.  I’m just yelling at the top of my lungs of how I just can’t take any of this anymore, I’m so rageful right now and I’m rage full at myself for getting into this damn situation.  I’m slapping the wall pacing back & forth I’m documenting all this as best I can to bring to the new place where I will get therapy appointment on Monday I think that I will get an evaluation? I sure hope so. I just hope that they take my insurance or have a sliding scale I don’t know.  Been rejected everywhere else you just don’t know.   I go to any lengths to get help but I get rejected one told me I’m too far, well my thinking is no matter how far I go I need the help so I will go.  But try telling those assholes that.   They don’t listen those psychologists with all their degrees.  A bunch of uppidity jerks.   It doesn’t matter to them that I’m sick they could care less….BUT have the right insurance & act as docile as a mouse these are the clients they love.

My mind is swirling I’m home alone…..not just now but always I have no one to call…my Mother is pretty detached or disconnected from my pain.  She just shuts down.  Or she tells me to pray.  That’s all she does.   That’s it.

Alright.  I need prayers to subside my madness I’m sick send a prayer lots of them.  How to be happy & sane that is the question.  Anyone have an answer?  Anyone?  Inquiring minds would like to know.