Hanging On To Hope…By A Thread

I am still up not even wanting to go to bed I think its after Midnight.  I am bored but mostly a bit troubled even detached from myself.   But maybe just maybe there is hope for me.  I don’t know how I’ll get out of the hole I’m in the mental dark hole but perhaps there is hope for me.  Do you all think that there is hope for me.   I mean I feel just like a misfit in society.  I really do.  I am blogging again because I’m pretty much in pain but I’m numb to it right now.  I really really want to get better.   I want to matter in someones life.   I want to be noticed and loved the good & the bad exactly as I am.    I’m in a not so good place.   I really would like someone to come in and just tell me that I’m not a bad person.   I want someone to tell me that I am loved.   I don’t know how to fix my life its been in a bad way since I was a child and guess what?  No one knew how to help me then.   Well one thing I’m greatful for is that I never landed in jail or addicted to drugs. Do you all know that I don’t drink….I can’t  I’d drink myself to death.   Self medicating is what I did for years.  But I’m here to say I don’t drink and haven’t for going on 7 months.  I will try to work on my recovery.   I will try to work on my recovery.   I have picked up some bad habits but at least I have my own apartment, I don’t drink, I don’t have a criminal record, I’ve never been to jail, I’ve managed to survive and when you read my other blogs…well hey give me an Olympic Gold Medal for survival!   I really want to get well.    So will you wish me well.  I’d really appreciate that a whole lot!

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Published by: The Lonely Shepard

Me: I grew up in an extremely abusive & disadvantaged family environment were both parents were really immature & their relationship messy! I was abducted by my Father at age 8 abused physically, mentally, degraded by his 2nd Wife, and I didn't see my Mother again until 4 years later, I had to risk my neck + my life to run off to seek help with the local police & this was way before there was any such laws on the books for child abuse. Think on that awhile. Had learning disabilities all throughout school by the time I graduated I learned nothing, was prepared for nothing out in the World. Think on that. Joined the United States Army right out of High School only reason I did join was that at the time there was an Army recruiter right on the High School campus & he took an interest in me. So I joined. I was really in over my head. But what else could I do? I lived with a single Mom who was emotionally unstable & I had ZERO support from anyone including the school staff + administrators. The military was hard & degrading to me as a woman but I got out with an honorable discharge. More about me: A series of dead end jobs, my mind was totally a mess after I got out of the Army, still had no support not even from the Veterans admin. My journey has been a total nightmare of: trying to find out about myself, learning about myself, how to live as an adult, all with no help. Now after long , and intensive filled journey I'm trying to get back on track with my life I want to go to school with the hope of one day attending University. I don't wish my journey on anyone. No one gave me guidance: as a child as a teen as a young adult I was all on my own! and it was real lonely , isolating, extremely frightening. Family? don't really have any. Now remember everyone I'm African American & I receive little to no respect I don't even warrant a speeding car that will slow down. "The person who sang the National Anthem sang the last note so high that no could reach it! That was intentional!" Belize from Tony Kushners play Angels In America.

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