A Fresh Start

Today I will start fresh.   This past weekend was real challenging for me.  I am poor, little social interaction which I’ve been trying for years to work on with failed results and I’ve learned that social media just isn’t for me.   I’ve learned, as I start fresh today I just need face to face human contact.  That is from my perspective.   I just don’t like online friendships.  Real friendships are HUMAN ONES where you meet face to face, hang out, have fun, laugh and just enjoy being around each other that’s my version anyway.    I made a mistake by saying hurtful things to a person on Facebook & for that I’m sorry.  I’m in a real difficult place in my life and have been for a very long time.   It is not an easy life and I have to be real resourceful think long & hard how to productively spend my days so I don’t end up being a couch potato only relying on my TV.   Which has been the case for me.   Today I decided to get out of the house primarily because its just too warm to stay in.   Since I don’t have friends to hang out with, very little financial resources to take a trip out of town which I would very much like to do but can’t, I have to come up with cheap & inexpensive ways to fill my day.   I don’t like living this way but as I’ve said I do the best that I can with what I have which isn’t much.  I’m unemployed but receive government assistance.   Some of you may judge so I have no control over that since I have had jobs since I was 16 years old I’ve been paying into the government for many years.   I have psychiatric illness which for right now is a barrier to hold down a job.   I’m not ashamed.  I used to be but I’ve moved past that stage.  However my goal is to first:

Get matriculated into school fulltime, then get a part time job…anywhere it would most likely be janitorial or fast food, if I’m lucky something thats a step up from the two possible jobs I’ve already listed on here.   Thats the best I can do and those are the goals I’ve set thus far.  I may list any & all goals right here on my WordPress account.  I’m not sure why but it would make me feel better if the World knows what my plans are.  For me this is my validation since I receive so little of it in the outside World.  And it makes me feel good that blogs on here are read all over the World.  So someone on the other side of the globe once reading my thoughts can relate to me.  That in itself is very fulfilling to me.   I don’t have alot in life so I have to take pleasure where I can get it.  Can anyone relate to that?  I don’t know, it just makes sense to me.   I will not beat myself up on how I treated my former FB friend because I didn’t factor in the age difference and the emotional maturity.   I’ve been through many experiences most real difficult although try as I might I basically would get my ass kicked through the process, over & over & over again.   I hope that she finds it in her heart to forgive me.  The communication was at best confusing and to be honest I thought that she really loved me on both levels friendship & more at least thats how I saw it.   But anyway thats in the past this is today I’ve sort of moved on.  Today I begin my process to prepare to take the Compass test which is a skills based test to get into Community College I’m not University material …..yet.   So I must start somewhere.   As of this typing I’m at a local public library and when I finish this blog its off to  a quiet private study room to practice on some math problems out of a used text book I bought some years ago so I can then hope to be placed in the pre-algebra level of math placement at the college of my choice.   My goal is to of course get back up to speed on the math skills level this time I want to go all the way up to Calculus level!   I’ve also changed my major again choosing instead of Engineering but Marine Biology or Oceanography in the hope I could get a government job with the National Oceananic Atomosphere Administration or N.O.A.A. or someplace dealing with mammals & sea life.   I feel that this will give me the most joy.  I will complete the first two years at Community College and although I want to attend a University out of state that might not be possible so I will have to go in state for the other two years.   Once I’ve (hopefully) finish the Bachelors my dream is to go to Hawaii & attend grad school over THERE!  I love Hawaii I’ve been a few times in my life when things were going so much better for me then & when I had my Fathers help with money.   Hawaii is where I feel I REALLY BELONG.  Over there its not as bigoted as over here in the Mainland.   Lets face it folks African Americans no matter how much they’ve learned are still not treated real equally something that I’ve always had a problem with since I used to come from a pretty affluent family a long time ago.   My stepdad always drummed into me that I’m as good as anyone else…and don’t you forget it!  He would say.  He was a former Marine Corps Seargeant Major.   So push I must to get to Hawaii someday.  I have to cause really there isn’t anywhere in the States I even want to go.  I want to go somewhere where its not superficial & all they care about is what you have whether that be a car, good clothes or whatever.   I’m also tired of the superficial folks especially the new generation of lesbians who seem like such beauty queen divas.  Beautiful women come in all shapes & sizes.  But here in the states?  That seems to matter little especially with other gay & lesbian folks.   Not my style.   Nothing else right now matters to me except my education.  Nothing.  People just ignore me anyway & write me off.  I don’t look like say Beyonce, Halle Berry or any of the other beautiful women out there.  Looks seem to matter so I’ve given up wanting to meet anyone I’ll just focus on me & giving myself self improvements wherever I can to include losing weight & working out in a Gym.  A real gym for body builders.  Not these sissy type gyms.   What people must understand about me is I’m a work in progress.  I’m real good friend as well as relationshiop material.   I require support & I in return will give it back 10 fold!  I’m in a difficult position in my life with little help.  I’m one person doing it all without anyone by my side or even family to share it with.  I’m all alone.  It’s difficult for those of you who have it all to understand what its like to do without, you all that have: the girlfriend, good job, family that checks up on you & has you over for dinner & the holidays, birthdays too.  I have none of that.  And I really want that!  You need to put yourself in my place just for a day to see where I’m coming from please and not judge me too harshly if I may seem frustrated , testy, or as was the case with the FB friend saying some mean things which I didn’t mean but said out of pure frustration over myself.   I’m just doing the best that I can.  Please be patient & give me some love please!  I don’t have what you have.   I’m lonely, sad, and just trying to make it.  I’m a work in progress just making a fresh start today.   This will be continued……….stay tuned.

 

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Published by: The Lonely Shepard

Me: I grew up in an extremely abusive & disadvantaged family environment were both parents were really immature & their relationship messy! I was abducted by my Father at age 8 abused physically, mentally, degraded by his 2nd Wife, and I didn't see my Mother again until 4 years later, I had to risk my neck + my life to run off to seek help with the local police & this was way before there was any such laws on the books for child abuse. Think on that awhile. Had learning disabilities all throughout school by the time I graduated I learned nothing, was prepared for nothing out in the World. Think on that. Joined the United States Army right out of High School only reason I did join was that at the time there was an Army recruiter right on the High School campus & he took an interest in me. So I joined. I was really in over my head. But what else could I do? I lived with a single Mom who was emotionally unstable & I had ZERO support from anyone including the school staff + administrators. The military was hard & degrading to me as a woman but I got out with an honorable discharge. More about me: A series of dead end jobs, my mind was totally a mess after I got out of the Army, still had no support not even from the Veterans admin. My journey has been a total nightmare of: trying to find out about myself, learning about myself, how to live as an adult, all with no help. Now after long , and intensive filled journey I'm trying to get back on track with my life I want to go to school with the hope of one day attending University. I don't wish my journey on anyone. No one gave me guidance: as a child as a teen as a young adult I was all on my own! and it was real lonely , isolating, extremely frightening. Family? don't really have any. Now remember everyone I'm African American & I receive little to no respect I don't even warrant a speeding car that will slow down. "The person who sang the National Anthem sang the last note so high that no could reach it! That was intentional!" Belize from Tony Kushners play Angels In America. If you've read this far I will leave my email in case you want to leave me a msg. Those that are rude will get deleted immediately. Contact: Yogibeara425@hushmail.com

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