Just Gotta Say Its Gonna Be Alright!

Tonight its Monday I logged on to check out a 4th Of July event that I possibly might go to…alone of course, but I’m so tired of staying home especially on summer holidays when I want to be out anyway but I’m usually too scared.  Scared of being targeted for well whatever I have good reason to be apprehensive considering the bad stuff that’s happened in summers past.

I am blogging though on when things get real difficult and they really have for me I just gotta say to myself that its gonna be alright.   Has anyone ever seen the movie Monsters Ball?  Great movie, not real easy to watch even for me but one hell of a movie that starred Halle Berry, Billy Bob Thornton? (think I have the name right)  Both people in this movie had suffered tremendous loss Billy Bob’s character his son who committed suicide, Halle her young son & Husband.  My favorite part of that movie was the end when the two of them who eventually became a couple sat on the porch it was night time when Billy Bob says to Halle “You know we’re gonna be alright”  then the movie ends.   I nearly cried.  For me that was one powerful affirming statement and trust me these two went through a lot.  So tonight as I’m trying to stay cool in my apartment as its still 80 degrees which is warm for me and I have no AC, as I was removing a wet towel from my box fan I went to the bathroom to put the towel on my towel rack when I said out of the blue out loud “I’m gonna be alright”   I never say that!  Then I remembered the last line in the movie Monsters Ball.   Don’t get me wrong I am suffering, but somehow saying I’m gonna be alright makes me feel just a little better, it somehow eases the intense lonely feelings I feel every single day of the year.   I would really love it if some of you could share your experiances with me by leaving me a comment.   I’m not expecting much but I thought I would put that out there.  I check this blog daily.  I am hurting but tonight it seems a little less.   So I’m gonna be a bit selfish and ask that you please pray for me.   I would appreciate it.

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Published by: The Lonely Shepard

Me: I grew up in an extremely abusive & disadvantaged family environment were both parents were really immature & their relationship messy! I was abducted by my Father at age 8 abused physically, mentally, degraded by his 2nd Wife, and I didn't see my Mother again until 4 years later, I had to risk my neck + my life to run off to seek help with the local police & this was way before there was any such laws on the books for child abuse. Think on that awhile. Had learning disabilities all throughout school by the time I graduated I learned nothing, was prepared for nothing out in the World. Think on that. Joined the United States Army right out of High School only reason I did join was that at the time there was an Army recruiter right on the High School campus & he took an interest in me. So I joined. I was really in over my head. But what else could I do? I lived with a single Mom who was emotionally unstable & I had ZERO support from anyone including the school staff + administrators. The military was hard & degrading to me as a woman but I got out with an honorable discharge. More about me: A series of dead end jobs, my mind was totally a mess after I got out of the Army, still had no support not even from the Veterans admin. My journey has been a total nightmare of: trying to find out about myself, learning about myself, how to live as an adult, all with no help. Now after long , and intensive filled journey I'm trying to get back on track with my life I want to go to school with the hope of one day attending University. I don't wish my journey on anyone. No one gave me guidance: as a child as a teen as a young adult I was all on my own! and it was real lonely , isolating, extremely frightening. Family? don't really have any. Now remember everyone I'm African American & I receive little to no respect I don't even warrant a speeding car that will slow down. "The person who sang the National Anthem sang the last note so high that no could reach it! That was intentional!" Belize from Tony Kushners play Angels In America. If you've read this far I will leave my email in case you want to leave me a msg. Those that are rude will get deleted immediately. Contact: Yogibeara425@hushmail.com

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