Patience Needed Please

Time for another post this is the best remedy especially when agitated.  I had a tough day.  Simply put each day for me is extremely challenging.  What most people who don’t suffer a mental illness consider challenging for a person with mental illness is challenging times 100!  When you meet someone who has mental illness may I ask that you show us compassion please that & plenty of patience.  I know we can be a bit much to take in but as I’ve said or alluded to in previous blogs please, please have patience we simply cannot help how our brains are wired.  Depending on our situtations and mine is the most challenging because I have very minimal family support…..Father is dead, Mom is elderly & also mentally ill with bipolar, depression, PTSD so I can’t get what I need from them I usually suffer pretty bad even with my daily meds.   Lonliness is the biggest barrier and for me I really do contemplate suicide because its most unbearable without that much needed family support.   I always say this in my previous blogs but would you indulge me please?   Make sure you count your blessings if your lucky to have a family who loves you, spends time with you, which could be as simple as sitting at a table together eating a meal.  Its something I crave almost daily, for me its the little things I desire when I’m alone.   When your mentally ill, living on your own the stress is astronomical! your wanting love from someone, your basically deprived of all those basics like someone to come home to, someone to do things with, which some of you might take for granted.  I cannot stress this enough.   I’m always honest on here so I need to ask you out there to just be patient if I seem upset, tell me it will be alright, give me a hug.   What I don’t want is to be thought of as some bad person, I just want compassion the same compassion for say a person who has a brain injury, or a returning soldier who has been in battle.   As I was waiting for my bus tonight I was agitated, restless and just wishing how when I wake up that I wouldn’t …ever!  What triggered this  the cashier at Trader Joes who made a mistake of not telling me that I need to press “Credit” for my Visa gift card.   I asked him which option on the card machine should I choose, I said to him I have a gift card, however the cashier thought I had a T.J. gift card so needless to say my card came up invalid….I had 60 dollars on my card.  I had to leave without my groceries thus no food for myself and my cupboards stay empty.  I was somewhat over the edge and immediately felt like a failure…..the illness monster came knocking at my door!   My thoughts went wild.    Living day to day is a struggle.  I never look forward to tomorrow because for me it will be more of the same.   I just require love, patience, support….you don’t need to know how to help me unless you work in the mental health field.  I just need love & support please.   Love & support.   And patience.   I’ve never had that.  You’d be surprised at how intolerant people can be for a person with an illness or how these same people never stop to think just for a minute…..well she might be sick let me show her some patience, kindness instead of anger…..I know I’m asking a lot but I deserve this from you.  I’m scared people whats worse I’m sick & scared and whats even more worse people seem real impatient instead of showing me love…often its anger.   That won’t help me.  Please remember I have a disorder I’m real good at keeping it under control but when I deal with life’s difficult situations on my own I really get overwhelmed without something to keep me going.  And these days its kindness, a lot of patience….and if you can a little bit of your time.   My age really doesn’t fix a thing I’m emotionally stunted at say 20 years old so just because I’m a 30 something adult my mind hasn’t caught up with my age.   I love people, I’m caring, I just need more of a balanced life:  Face to face friends, no social media-doesn’t work for me need more than a pic online, and everything else in between I’m like a 3rd World starving child of emotional need.   These blogs are all I have and these blogs help keep me sane.  I sure hope it starts to get better for me.   I’m tired of waiting.

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Published by: The Lonely Shepard

Me: I grew up in an extremely abusive & disadvantaged family environment were both parents were really immature & their relationship messy! I was abducted by my Father at age 8 abused physically, mentally, degraded by his 2nd Wife, and I didn't see my Mother again until 4 years later, I had to risk my neck + my life to run off to seek help with the local police & this was way before there was any such laws on the books for child abuse. Think on that awhile. Had learning disabilities all throughout school by the time I graduated I learned nothing, was prepared for nothing out in the World. Think on that. Joined the United States Army right out of High School only reason I did join was that at the time there was an Army recruiter right on the High School campus & he took an interest in me. So I joined. I was really in over my head. But what else could I do? I lived with a single Mom who was emotionally unstable & I had ZERO support from anyone including the school staff + administrators. The military was hard & degrading to me as a woman but I got out with an honorable discharge. More about me: A series of dead end jobs, my mind was totally a mess after I got out of the Army, still had no support not even from the Veterans admin. My journey has been a total nightmare of: trying to find out about myself, learning about myself, how to live as an adult, all with no help. Now after long , and intensive filled journey I'm trying to get back on track with my life I want to go to school with the hope of one day attending University. I don't wish my journey on anyone. No one gave me guidance: as a child as a teen as a young adult I was all on my own! and it was real lonely , isolating, extremely frightening. Family? don't really have any. Now remember everyone I'm African American & I receive little to no respect I don't even warrant a speeding car that will slow down. "The person who sang the National Anthem sang the last note so high that no could reach it! That was intentional!" Belize from Tony Kushners play Angels In America.

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