What The Heck Do I Do On 4th Of July Alone?

I’m at home its after 10PM.   Since I no longer speak to the FB friend I’m kind of replacing that online chat with instead online bloging.  The theme of this blog is, with 4th Of July tomorrow, I’m single (which I’m fine with), no friends ( that I want)  and with an elderly Mother who pretty much lives like a depressed Jehovahs Witness (J.W’s dont’ celebrate any holidays)  I don’t have many options.   Well I have one a barbeque at Hero House a place where people who suffer brain disorders come to hang out, sort of like a. club house where membership is required that barbeque is from 11-3PM  not real sure I want to go.   To be honest although I suffer from a brain disorder doesn’t necessarily mean I want to hang out with them.   It just does not sound real appealing, I can’t really explain why.  Calling my Mother?  Root canal would be preferable, she is just plain dull & depressed bless her heart all she does is watch TV.   She’ll say _______ NCIS is on now!  As if I want my life to revolve around network TV.   She just doesn’t get it and that’s alright.  What I really would like to do is go down to the Marina in a neighboring suburb but with the fireworks not set to pop off until 10PM I really worry about how to get home.  I am also concerned about crowds…unfortunately these kinds of events bring out all sorts of people both good & bad.  And its those bad people you have to watch out for cause these kinds of people always love to stir the pot of trouble.  I’ve spent my life steering clear of the miscreants so I wouldn’t end up somewhere I didn’t want to be, like jail or something else bad.   I’m real streetwise so when you get with a bad crowd they will always bring you down.   Unfortunately my only option will probably be the Hero House barbeque then come home.  Actually I’m not real sure I want to do even that.  Staying home & in bed all day sounds preferable because going anywhere alone would just be too depressing.  The bad thing about possibly going to any kind of public event is that eventually?  you have to leave & go home!  And for me this is a HUGE letdown.   As I type this blog the wheels in my head are in full gear figuring out the best possible way to celebrate this family friendly event only without having the family which I wished with all my heart that I had.   So, the best I can think of are these possible choices:

See a movie, I’ve heard World War Z is awesome.

Sleep the whole day away?……NAW  not appealing plus I can’t just stay in bed all day unless someone else is in the bed with me 😉

Go to my favorite grocery store, buy some precooked ribs (Can’t BBQ on my deck against apt rules of lease) so I have to bake them in my oven?……I guess I’ve never bought pre cooked ribs before since I rarely eat ribs at all, I’m just trying my best to get into the swing of things.  I can’t pretend its not a holiday, its kind of hard to ignore you see advertisements on TV, people in the store or wherever ask “What are you doing on the 4th”?  no matter where you go,  so pretty much its everywhere.   At least I don’t feel the envy of others in my being alone this year……its taken a lot of years to even get to the point of not going into panic, anxiety, or depression all because I had no one to spend the holidays with, because I like being active in the Summer!  Back in the day while I was briefly in College I was never without an invite somewhere…I used to have quite a few guy friends all gay & all were a blast to hang out with.  Of course this was in my drinking days too so a lot of the parties were of the cocktail nature.   Not all of the time, I had became real good best friends with Rob & Jeff.  Jeff owned a boat.  And Jeff really spoiled me.   I got to go out on the boat with him & his boyfriend during the summers.   We went everywhere together.   On my birthdays this was back in the early to mid nineties so 93  I was taken to Benihana Japanese restaurant.  For those of you not familiar with Benihana’s  it is a high end Japanese restaurant & expensive…its THE restaurant to go for the best in Japanese food.  Its located in downtown Seattle.   Sadly everyone Rob had broke the news that he & Jeff had broken up and not long after that Jeff had committed suicide.   The three of us had taken a photo at benihana on my 22nd birthday and I hope to find it ….someday.   I might try to search my Mothers attic for it.  Its the only memory I have of the three of us.   I really miss those days of fun!  I have to admit that I haven’t had any fun since 1995.   Its basically been a 15 year draught of lonliness, depression, and more of the same everyday.   Yeah.   But I’ve come a long way but I do get sad of fun days now long past & friends long dead.   I hope to one day be able to have fun at least some of the time & be the carefree girl I used to be before I started losing my friends, I fell on bad times with jobs to being poor.   Only college can get me out of this, I don’t care if I don’t make any friends pretty much all I care about is getting the coveted great career….I suppose the rest would work itself out but at this point I don’t care.  All I want is to get through my 4th I would prefer without all the damn fireworks noise, get to college, move out of state to someplace tropical and forget all of this pain forever.   So have that extra piece of corn, eat that extra piece of delicious bbq’ed chicken for me will ya?  Because I sure wished I could be there to share the moment.  So that I don’t go home feeling empty this year I think that I’ll just stay home & eat some ribs bought at my favorite store.   Oh well maybe next year will be better.   Happy 4th everyone!

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Published by: The Lonely Shepard

Me: I grew up in an extremely abusive & disadvantaged family environment were both parents were really immature & their relationship messy! I was abducted by my Father at age 8 abused physically, mentally, degraded by his 2nd Wife, and I didn't see my Mother again until 4 years later, I had to risk my neck + my life to run off to seek help with the local police & this was way before there was any such laws on the books for child abuse. Think on that awhile. Had learning disabilities all throughout school by the time I graduated I learned nothing, was prepared for nothing out in the World. Think on that. Joined the United States Army right out of High School only reason I did join was that at the time there was an Army recruiter right on the High School campus & he took an interest in me. So I joined. I was really in over my head. But what else could I do? I lived with a single Mom who was emotionally unstable & I had ZERO support from anyone including the school staff + administrators. The military was hard & degrading to me as a woman but I got out with an honorable discharge. More about me: A series of dead end jobs, my mind was totally a mess after I got out of the Army, still had no support not even from the Veterans admin. My journey has been a total nightmare of: trying to find out about myself, learning about myself, how to live as an adult, all with no help. Now after long , and intensive filled journey I'm trying to get back on track with my life I want to go to school with the hope of one day attending University. I don't wish my journey on anyone. No one gave me guidance: as a child as a teen as a young adult I was all on my own! and it was real lonely , isolating, extremely frightening. Family? don't really have any. Now remember everyone I'm African American & I receive little to no respect I don't even warrant a speeding car that will slow down. "The person who sang the National Anthem sang the last note so high that no could reach it! That was intentional!" Belize from Tony Kushners play Angels In America.

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