Inside My Madness?

I’m in the throes of my manic episode right now.  Its 8PM Friday night.  I’m hitting myself in the head with my yellow legal tablet the safest thing to use when you get like this.  I’m just yelling at the top of my lungs of how I just can’t take any of this anymore, I’m so rageful right now and I’m rage full at myself for getting into this damn situation.  I’m slapping the wall pacing back & forth I’m documenting all this as best I can to bring to the new place where I will get therapy appointment on Monday I think that I will get an evaluation? I sure hope so. I just hope that they take my insurance or have a sliding scale I don’t know.  Been rejected everywhere else you just don’t know.   I go to any lengths to get help but I get rejected one told me I’m too far, well my thinking is no matter how far I go I need the help so I will go.  But try telling those assholes that.   They don’t listen those psychologists with all their degrees.  A bunch of uppidity jerks.   It doesn’t matter to them that I’m sick they could care less….BUT have the right insurance & act as docile as a mouse these are the clients they love.

My mind is swirling I’m home alone…..not just now but always I have no one to call…my Mother is pretty detached or disconnected from my pain.  She just shuts down.  Or she tells me to pray.  That’s all she does.   That’s it.

Alright.  I need prayers to subside my madness I’m sick send a prayer lots of them.  How to be happy & sane that is the question.  Anyone have an answer?  Anyone?  Inquiring minds would like to know.

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Published by: The Lonely Shepard

Me: I grew up in an extremely abusive & disadvantaged family environment were both parents were really immature & their relationship messy! I was abducted by my Father at age 8 abused physically, mentally, degraded by his 2nd Wife, and I didn't see my Mother again until 4 years later, I had to risk my neck + my life to run off to seek help with the local police & this was way before there was any such laws on the books for child abuse. Think on that awhile. Had learning disabilities all throughout school by the time I graduated I learned nothing, was prepared for nothing out in the World. Think on that. Joined the United States Army right out of High School only reason I did join was that at the time there was an Army recruiter right on the High School campus & he took an interest in me. So I joined. I was really in over my head. But what else could I do? I lived with a single Mom who was emotionally unstable & I had ZERO support from anyone including the school staff + administrators. The military was hard & degrading to me as a woman but I got out with an honorable discharge. More about me: A series of dead end jobs, my mind was totally a mess after I got out of the Army, still had no support not even from the Veterans admin. My journey has been a total nightmare of: trying to find out about myself, learning about myself, how to live as an adult, all with no help. Now after long , and intensive filled journey I'm trying to get back on track with my life I want to go to school with the hope of one day attending University. I don't wish my journey on anyone. No one gave me guidance: as a child as a teen as a young adult I was all on my own! and it was real lonely , isolating, extremely frightening. Family? don't really have any. Now remember everyone I'm African American & I receive little to no respect I don't even warrant a speeding car that will slow down. "The person who sang the National Anthem sang the last note so high that no could reach it! That was intentional!" Belize from Tony Kushners play Angels In America. If you've read this far I will leave my email in case you want to leave me a msg. Those that are rude will get deleted immediately. Contact: Yogibeara425@hushmail.com

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