Living On Your Own

I’m doing alright for now, had a real bad bout of my illness.  So just now I’m in bed its late but I do my best thinking while lying in bed.   And I had many thoughts going on at once it seemed but one thought was how ill equipped I am to even live alone.  Its just not for me.  Only thing is that I really had no choice since living at my Mothers house was not much of an option because she is unstable plus she lives with her Husband who is also a bit on the unstable side & kind of a creep.  I think I may have heard somewhere or heard it from someone about living on your own.  That it builds character or something.  Well living on your own may build character, but living alone is for me somewhat like a prison only difference is I could come & go as I like.   But its real lonely, not much fun and I realize that there would be a line out my door to live alone especially those with kids but for me I would be the one to gladly take their place.  I like the noise of kids, the chaos I’m just not cut out for living alone.   I’m a huge fan of the extended family where generations live under one roof just like what other cultures have practiced for many decades.  I’m really born into the wrong culture here.  What worries me is that with the constant stress of living alone that it could shorten my lifespan.  This is not something I just happen to think up just now I actually read that somewhere.   Not to mention it is incredibly boring & unsatisfying.  Don’t mind sleeping alone I’m fine with that I just want to hear someone else’s voice in the house.  I wouldn’t mind a break where myself & whoever would do our own thing whether that be reading a book & I would do my own thing, but I do like someone else in the house with me.  It would do my mental health a world of good.  I’ve lived this way for many years and let me tell you, I just have never liked it.  I had some bad roommates most have sucked, but I did live with some cool roommates right out of College it was three other women & me we shared a three bedroom rambler type of house over in the suburbs the same one where I currently live.  I was pretty happy.  However we rented the place & the owners of the property weren’t paying their mortgage & we were given I think 2 weeks to move out.  I was so incredibly angry with those owners as well as pretty devastated cause I really liked the house & the women I lived with.

My suggestion is get some roommates you like perhaps your friends or if your lucky a significant other.  I’ve always wanted to live with someone now that’s a big step in any relationship.  But that’s never happened mainly because I’ve had such a difficult time in meeting anyone.  I’ve never been real lucky in love sad to say.   It seems cupid constantly missed the mark where I’m concerned.   I don’t know, but I just like someone there in the house.  I tried to talk to my Mother about this, and I swear I don’t know why I even bother telling her anything! Cause all she says to me is “Well when you live with someone theres problems”  blah, blah, blah.   She just did not validate my feelings whatsoever.   It sucks.   So I’m left with my feelings and no one to share them with except on here.   I love blogging on here but it would be so nice to have another human being preferably an intelligent one who would just listen to me.   Its stuff like this that I go into my manic episodes.  Stress always triggers it.   My life sucks I’m trying to make it better.   Show me some love by sending me some much needed prayers.   Cause I’m trying but always I feel that no one cares or even pays attention.   I need to know someone out there cares.

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Published by: The Lonely Shepard

Me: I grew up in an extremely abusive & disadvantaged family environment were both parents were really immature & their relationship messy! I was abducted by my Father at age 8 abused physically, mentally, degraded by his 2nd Wife, and I didn't see my Mother again until 4 years later, I had to risk my neck + my life to run off to seek help with the local police & this was way before there was any such laws on the books for child abuse. Think on that awhile. Had learning disabilities all throughout school by the time I graduated I learned nothing, was prepared for nothing out in the World. Think on that. Joined the United States Army right out of High School only reason I did join was that at the time there was an Army recruiter right on the High School campus & he took an interest in me. So I joined. I was really in over my head. But what else could I do? I lived with a single Mom who was emotionally unstable & I had ZERO support from anyone including the school staff + administrators. The military was hard & degrading to me as a woman but I got out with an honorable discharge. More about me: A series of dead end jobs, my mind was totally a mess after I got out of the Army, still had no support not even from the Veterans admin. My journey has been a total nightmare of: trying to find out about myself, learning about myself, how to live as an adult, all with no help. Now after long , and intensive filled journey I'm trying to get back on track with my life I want to go to school with the hope of one day attending University. I don't wish my journey on anyone. No one gave me guidance: as a child as a teen as a young adult I was all on my own! and it was real lonely , isolating, extremely frightening. Family? don't really have any. Now remember everyone I'm African American & I receive little to no respect I don't even warrant a speeding car that will slow down. "The person who sang the National Anthem sang the last note so high that no could reach it! That was intentional!" Belize from Tony Kushners play Angels In America. If you've read this far I will leave my email in case you want to leave me a msg. Those that are rude will get deleted immediately. Contact: Yogibeara425@hushmail.com

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