Simple Kindness….It Goes A Long Way!

Today is Saturday here in the Pacific Northwest.  I wake up its another day of what to do with myself.   Today was a little bit better at least no episodes…I was somewhat cranky but that subsided.  I awoke early perhaps a bit too early because I had planned on going to Circle Of Friends out in the U-District.  However I was conflicted on whether or not I would go there to COF or the Bon Odori festival.  Bon Odori is the annual Japanese festival held around the World actually.   Since I ride the bus, the bus is real stressful as well its a total grind I had to figure out which event to go to so as not to tire myself out.   Today there was good news all of my library books that I reserved were ready for pickup.   I had to have those books!  Books are to me what an IV drip is to an ailing hospital patient.  So, change of plans I decide to pick up my books at the library, then I decided to attend Bon Odori on Sunday on the same day that I will try a Buddhist temple over in Seattle.  Nice thing well the rare thing about living alone when your making plans you can always change them & there is no one to nag you about it.   Since I woke up way too early & I was still tired from my manic episode from the night before,so I opted to rest a few more hours, once I woke up I took my shower, then I went to go get my books.   A good plan.

Today was pretty good.   I went to the library, then on to a vegetarian thai restaurant.  I have now officially given up all meat for good.   The restaurant & staff were real nice, and right before I got up to leave with my food one of the women on staff asked me what I was reading.  Now to most of you this probably would be no big deal….however for me?  It was a pretty big deal since no one really talks to me or for that matter pays me any attention.   Its true, and its one of the many reasons that living here day in day out has really affected me psychologically, I’m nice, friendly, I was outgoing at one time, and I used to laugh a lot, I was a free spirit too.   But all these many years of living on my own as well as living alone has taken a huge toll on my mind.  When the lady asked me about what book I was reading? I was taken aback for a about a second because I was somewhat shocked that anyone would even care.  I got used to being ignored for way too long it seemed.   I quickly recovered and told the woman about my book & briefly gave her a brief description.  I am now reading The Help I also have about 4 or 5 other books.   Her simple kindness or her curiosity had mean’t a lot.  Know why?  Because once I got outside of the restaurant?  I felt a surge of good feelings just from that simple question the lady asked me.   I don’t get to feel that way…ever!  Rarely.   Made me feel real good.  And let me tell you its been YEARS since I even had anyone notice me or anything.  You just have no idea how that makes you feel.  After awhile you start to feel dead inside in addition to feeling deep depression.   Psychological scars are no joke.  Its incredibly difficult.  And I try so hard, all I really want is to be included, welcomed into a group, and not judged by how I look, which isn’t bad at all.  I always feel left out.   Its not a good feeling.  Being single & alone is not fun.  The being single I don’t mind since relationships seem to me to be one big pain in the ass anyway.  I noticed that while in the Safeway store buying ice tea, I notice a couple fussing about where a certain item was.   I had to laugh.   Plus I don’t like to be told what to do.   Its good friends that I want more than anything.  Good friends are real hard to find.  And I sure don’t want any off of Facebook.   I hope to make some friends at this Buddhist temple I will try to go every Sunday all on my own.  Can’t tell Mom because she will have a fit!   She is Catholic.  But where I go is my business so long as I don’t do harm to myself or others..hey its my life.   Please give me your continued support & many prayers whatever your religion may be.  Because I am still recovering.  I’m broken & broken hearted.  Thanks for reading.  Hope I didn’t bore you all 🙂

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Published by: The Lonely Shepard

Me: I grew up in an extremely abusive & disadvantaged family environment were both parents were really immature & their relationship messy! I was abducted by my Father at age 8 abused physically, mentally, degraded by his 2nd Wife, and I didn't see my Mother again until 4 years later, I had to risk my neck + my life to run off to seek help with the local police & this was way before there was any such laws on the books for child abuse. Think on that awhile. Had learning disabilities all throughout school by the time I graduated I learned nothing, was prepared for nothing out in the World. Think on that. Joined the United States Army right out of High School only reason I did join was that at the time there was an Army recruiter right on the High School campus & he took an interest in me. So I joined. I was really in over my head. But what else could I do? I lived with a single Mom who was emotionally unstable & I had ZERO support from anyone including the school staff + administrators. The military was hard & degrading to me as a woman but I got out with an honorable discharge. More about me: A series of dead end jobs, my mind was totally a mess after I got out of the Army, still had no support not even from the Veterans admin. My journey has been a total nightmare of: trying to find out about myself, learning about myself, how to live as an adult, all with no help. Now after long , and intensive filled journey I'm trying to get back on track with my life I want to go to school with the hope of one day attending University. I don't wish my journey on anyone. No one gave me guidance: as a child as a teen as a young adult I was all on my own! and it was real lonely , isolating, extremely frightening. Family? don't really have any. Now remember everyone I'm African American & I receive little to no respect I don't even warrant a speeding car that will slow down. "The person who sang the National Anthem sang the last note so high that no could reach it! That was intentional!" Belize from Tony Kushners play Angels In America. If you've read this far I will leave my email in case you want to leave me a msg. Those that are rude will get deleted immediately. Contact: Yogibeara425@hushmail.com

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