Today is Saturday here in the Pacific Northwest. I wake up its another day of what to do with myself. Today was a little bit better at least no episodes…I was somewhat cranky but that subsided. I awoke early perhaps a bit too early because I had planned on going to Circle Of Friends out in the U-District. However I was conflicted on whether or not I would go there to COF or the Bon Odori festival. Bon Odori is the annual Japanese festival held around the World actually. Since I ride the bus, the bus is real stressful as well its a total grind I had to figure out which event to go to so as not to tire myself out. Today there was good news all of my library books that I reserved were ready for pickup. I had to have those books! Books are to me what an IV drip is to an ailing hospital patient. So, change of plans I decide to pick up my books at the library, then I decided to attend Bon Odori on Sunday on the same day that I will try a Buddhist temple over in Seattle. Nice thing well the rare thing about living alone when your making plans you can always change them & there is no one to nag you about it. Since I woke up way too early & I was still tired from my manic episode from the night before,so I opted to rest a few more hours, once I woke up I took my shower, then I went to go get my books. A good plan.
Today was pretty good. I went to the library, then on to a vegetarian thai restaurant. I have now officially given up all meat for good. The restaurant & staff were real nice, and right before I got up to leave with my food one of the women on staff asked me what I was reading. Now to most of you this probably would be no big deal….however for me? It was a pretty big deal since no one really talks to me or for that matter pays me any attention. Its true, and its one of the many reasons that living here day in day out has really affected me psychologically, I’m nice, friendly, I was outgoing at one time, and I used to laugh a lot, I was a free spirit too. But all these many years of living on my own as well as living alone has taken a huge toll on my mind. When the lady asked me about what book I was reading? I was taken aback for a about a second because I was somewhat shocked that anyone would even care. I got used to being ignored for way too long it seemed. I quickly recovered and told the woman about my book & briefly gave her a brief description. I am now reading The Help I also have about 4 or 5 other books. Her simple kindness or her curiosity had mean’t a lot. Know why? Because once I got outside of the restaurant? I felt a surge of good feelings just from that simple question the lady asked me. I don’t get to feel that way…ever! Rarely. Made me feel real good. And let me tell you its been YEARS since I even had anyone notice me or anything. You just have no idea how that makes you feel. After awhile you start to feel dead inside in addition to feeling deep depression. Psychological scars are no joke. Its incredibly difficult. And I try so hard, all I really want is to be included, welcomed into a group, and not judged by how I look, which isn’t bad at all. I always feel left out. Its not a good feeling. Being single & alone is not fun. The being single I don’t mind since relationships seem to me to be one big pain in the ass anyway. I noticed that while in the Safeway store buying ice tea, I notice a couple fussing about where a certain item was. I had to laugh. Plus I don’t like to be told what to do. Its good friends that I want more than anything. Good friends are real hard to find. And I sure don’t want any off of Facebook. I hope to make some friends at this Buddhist temple I will try to go every Sunday all on my own. Can’t tell Mom because she will have a fit! She is Catholic. But where I go is my business so long as I don’t do harm to myself or others..hey its my life. Please give me your continued support & many prayers whatever your religion may be. Because I am still recovering. I’m broken & broken hearted. Thanks for reading. Hope I didn’t bore you all 🙂