Church

Where the heck does one go for a lively Church service?  That’s what I really prefer only problem I’m gay & I like music, people excited to be in Church & most importantly friendly.  I’ve visited some gay affirming Churches in Seattle but mostly its older people, no music and real dull.  One church Christian Faith has what I’m looking for in a Church its every age, full of diversity only problem its not gay friendly its real conservative.  In 2010 I’ve visited around four different Churches usually it was an uncomfortable experience.  Metropolitan Community Church I guess that’s what its called…MCC for short was the worst.  I attended a service that year & it was a pretty small congregation, a new Pastor, and some real uptight LGBT folks.  When I went the Pastor was just outside the door greeting everyone so far its okay.  I told him that this was my first time Pastor John (not his real name) tried to introduce me around.  Both the Pastor & I came upon a female couple both in their 30’s when I was introduced however they seemed real uptight with mechanical smiles on their faces.  After that the couple were joined at the hip & they never came to talk to me.  That really hurt my feelings here I thought that Church would be a friendly experience.  So I stayed on for the service I sat alone, no one offered to me a chance to sit next to them.  I have to say that this was so far the coldest Church congregation that I’ve ever been to.  I’ve attended Church in the past & those Churches which I’ve attended were a lot more congenial than MCC on Capitol Hill.  Made me real sad.  I tried to stay after for the buffet or potluck.  I’ll be nice & say I didn’t eat very much.  I then sat down to a table were two women (a couple) who were middle aged sat.  One of them seemed real awkward but at least she talked to me or more aptly said a few words.  All I remember was that the woman said hi and the woman had said “Well we’re from Everett so we don’t get out much”  That was pretty much all she said.  You know I’m great at conversation but it was pretty obvious that there just wasn’t much chemistry for any exciting conversation.  I mean the person I’m talking to just has to meet me half way & try otherwise I just lose interest.  I don’t like putting in all the work & effort at getting someone to talk.  So I usually move on which I did.  I’ve traveled around a lot, I’ve lived in 6 different Cities, I’ve been to Europe twice so I just got up then left to go home.

I’ve tried other Churches most didn’t really pan out & they were too far for me to travel on the bus.  I also like multi cultural Churches, music were theres guitar, singing, drums usually the Baptist Churches have them but they tend toward the homophobic & are real conservative.  I am single, have never married, and I don’t have kids.  I feel that I would not fit in.

Being gay is in my opinion is one big disappointment for me.  I am just disappointed with it.  Can’t say I care much for it.  Right now I would be open to going back to guys but I won’t wear a dress.  I’m considering a complete makeover to include losing weight beyond that I don’t know.

Right now, this life just isn’t working out for me.  Sorry if I might offend whoever is reading this but I’m really put off by this lifestyle (or lack thereof in my case)  and I’m looking to really overhaul my life.   Its just very unsatisfying for me and I’ve been trying to put myself out there for a number of years and still nothing.  I’m at a time in my life were this is just no longer appealing .  This is how I feel.  I just have no one else to talk to about all this not even my own Mother because she is settled into her ways & is pretty lethargic when it comes to living a meaningful & active lifestyle.  She lives her life in front of the TV something she has done since I was in high school.   She is into the self pity, depression thing, no motivation whatsoever.  I don’t have any family really.  

Anyone out there if you have a friendly non judgmental comment to send me I would appreciate it a whole lot.  And remember I want non judgmental, no negative, preachy comments cause I just won’t read it.  I’ll delete it real quick.  Its time for a change.  I hope I can get what I want.  I want friends with real self esteem & can carry a good conversation.  I want to do things like going bowling, go out to eat, do outdoor activities even riding a bike something I haven’t done in ages.   I just don’t know what my next move should be.

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Published by: The Lonely Shepard

Me: I grew up in an extremely abusive & disadvantaged family environment were both parents were really immature & their relationship messy! I was abducted by my Father at age 8 abused physically, mentally, degraded by his 2nd Wife, and I didn't see my Mother again until 4 years later, I had to risk my neck + my life to run off to seek help with the local police & this was way before there was any such laws on the books for child abuse. Think on that awhile. Had learning disabilities all throughout school by the time I graduated I learned nothing, was prepared for nothing out in the World. Think on that. Joined the United States Army right out of High School only reason I did join was that at the time there was an Army recruiter right on the High School campus & he took an interest in me. So I joined. I was really in over my head. But what else could I do? I lived with a single Mom who was emotionally unstable & I had ZERO support from anyone including the school staff + administrators. The military was hard & degrading to me as a woman but I got out with an honorable discharge. More about me: A series of dead end jobs, my mind was totally a mess after I got out of the Army, still had no support not even from the Veterans admin. My journey has been a total nightmare of: trying to find out about myself, learning about myself, how to live as an adult, all with no help. Now after long , and intensive filled journey I'm trying to get back on track with my life I want to go to school with the hope of one day attending University. I don't wish my journey on anyone. No one gave me guidance: as a child as a teen as a young adult I was all on my own! and it was real lonely , isolating, extremely frightening. Family? don't really have any. Now remember everyone I'm African American & I receive little to no respect I don't even warrant a speeding car that will slow down. "The person who sang the National Anthem sang the last note so high that no could reach it! That was intentional!" Belize from Tony Kushners play Angels In America. If you've read this far I will leave my email in case you want to leave me a msg. Those that are rude will get deleted immediately. Contact: Yogibeara425@hushmail.com

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