How I Feel About My Life

Judging by the lack of response it appears that no one is interested in what I write.  Fine by me I just need to remember that I blog for me, I have no one to talk to, no one to share this with.  I’ve found most people that I’ve met to be pretty intolerant & not fully appreciating me for who I am which is a great person.  If none of you approve, well I don’t care.  I do this for me.  I know that no one cares about me, that’s a hard fact to face, its nothing I do.  Its just the reality of living in a World that’s self absorbed & narcisstic.  I don’t feel necessarily good about my life.  That’s just how I feel.  I’m trying awfully hard but so far I’m at a dead end.   Finding therapy has proven real challenging.  I can’t seem to find anyone who will take my insurance and most places in the mental health field want certain kinds of insurance.  Also I find that I deal with a great deal of stigma out in the World.  That’s a shame.  I’m so through with this Society at large.  Seems like I could find some support somewhere only problem I just don’t know where.   I tried N.A.M.I. out in the town of Redmond.  Redmond was too far on the bus plus some of those folks don’t take baths meaning the body odor is more than I can stand.   Say what you will about me & I know that it probably isn’t real good which is sad for me, but I practice daily hygiene.  Unfortunately you run into something like that with people withy mental illness.   So I’ll try to find another meeting out in another suburb held in a Church.  Kind of far but it might be a little better.  My other pet peeve was that the Redmond NAMI was in a room full of florescent lighting…..can’t stand it and hardly makes for a relaxing, laid back support group meeting.

Things aren’t going real well for the time being how I feel is a lot like when a person has a strenuous workout, tired, and just plain exhausted.   But mostly depressed, real sad.  Is there light at the end of this tunnel?   I just have to wonder about that.   What is taking so long with that help for me.   You know what it feels like?  Your all alone out on a battlefield like in a war zone & you have no back up, no battalion, your all alone fighting an enemy and no one has your back & there is no help on the way.   This is how I feel all the time.   I’m sending the distress signal but no one is coming.    I often felt like this as a child too.   I do have goals I am trying to go into worker retraining once I’ve finished it (I still need to attend orientation & a bunch of other stuff)  I would very much like to join the Peace Corp.  Don’t know if I’ll get accepted but I’m so very tired of Society, these selfish types.   Don’t much care for City life either.  I did an internet search.   However I’d make sure I’d take plenty of medication 6 months worth, hopefully I can’t have them shipped whenever I would need a refill.  Peace Corp is a 2 or 3 year commitment which is fine by me.   I figure I would take up carpentry to be able to help build whatever is needed to the Country of my choice.  Carpenters I feel are needed just about everywhere there is stuff that always need to be built.   I really want to do the Peace Corps.  A nice thing about the Peace Corp is that there is no age limit I don’t think a College degree is necessary, cause I don’t possess one except for the 2 year degree I would complete in the carpentry course.  I will also upgrade my blog to the premium package then post pictures on here.  

I’ve pretty much have given up on meeting people for now of course here isn’t the easiest place to meet anyone.  Most of the non profit places for support or anything else are now gone.  Seattle is awful for that now its all about Meetup then to enroll on there you must download a picture or include your facebook page.  Too much hassle & I don’t like Meetup.  Its gotten way too technical for me.  Don’t much care for it either.  Especially with all the scam artists especially who use Facebook.

Whether you read me or not that’s okay.  But I sure could use prayers.  Come on do something nice for someone (me) who might not be fairing well and I’m not.  I feel as though I’ve got a flu of the brain.  Show me some love.  Cause I ain’t too proud to beg (Title from the former hip hop band TLC)

So tomorrow yet another new day.  Perhaps it will be better.

To be continued……

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Published by: The Lonely Shepard

Me: I grew up in an extremely abusive & disadvantaged family environment were both parents were really immature & their relationship messy! I was abducted by my Father at age 8 abused physically, mentally, degraded by his 2nd Wife, and I didn't see my Mother again until 4 years later, I had to risk my neck + my life to run off to seek help with the local police & this was way before there was any such laws on the books for child abuse. Think on that awhile. Had learning disabilities all throughout school by the time I graduated I learned nothing, was prepared for nothing out in the World. Think on that. Joined the United States Army right out of High School only reason I did join was that at the time there was an Army recruiter right on the High School campus & he took an interest in me. So I joined. I was really in over my head. But what else could I do? I lived with a single Mom who was emotionally unstable & I had ZERO support from anyone including the school staff + administrators. The military was hard & degrading to me as a woman but I got out with an honorable discharge. More about me: A series of dead end jobs, my mind was totally a mess after I got out of the Army, still had no support not even from the Veterans admin. My journey has been a total nightmare of: trying to find out about myself, learning about myself, how to live as an adult, all with no help. Now after long , and intensive filled journey I'm trying to get back on track with my life I want to go to school with the hope of one day attending University. I don't wish my journey on anyone. No one gave me guidance: as a child as a teen as a young adult I was all on my own! and it was real lonely , isolating, extremely frightening. Family? don't really have any. Now remember everyone I'm African American & I receive little to no respect I don't even warrant a speeding car that will slow down. "The person who sang the National Anthem sang the last note so high that no could reach it! That was intentional!" Belize from Tony Kushners play Angels In America.

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