No One Has The Time For Me.

This has been problematic since my 20’s.  No one has the time for me.  I just got off the phone with my Mom and even she didn’t make time for me.  Her excuse was that her & her Husband were watching a movie & that they needed to finish it up before returning it?  Return it were?  The video stores have gone out of business.  So she just wanted to get me off the phone.  Makes me mad.  No one has ever made time for me. Ever.  Not anyone in AA except for those desperate leeches who had romantic interests in me.  Not my late Father.   It truly sucks MAN I wished that I never returned back to Washington once I got out of the service.  Biggest mistake in my life.  Cause now I have no one.  All these years I’ve gotten the garden variety of excuses not to spend any time with me.   My self esteem is really in the toilet now.  When I spoke with Mom she just sounded all curt & impatient.   She is supposed to help me to clear the remaining things out of the storage unit I had to use when I moved to another apartment.   When I told her that my rent was due and I had to pay it she got all annoyed with me.  Wished I didn’t need her for this errand of clearing out my storage.  Oh how I hate this.  I’m really emotionally deprived and its real hard to stay strong, on top of living alone day in, day out for several years now.   Its hard.  Having to deal with the isolation, the bigotry, the intolerance, no one pays me any attention then I have a irritable Mother who just doesn’t care to listen to me or how my day went.  Man I wished that I wished that I had made better choices & moved as far away from Mom as I could.  I just didn’t know about mental illness & I thought she would get better.  Its times like this that I really don’t wish to live anymore.  I’m just tired of all this.  My life lacks love, it lacks any fun, it lacks any joy.   Someone give me some love & encouragement.  Cause I’m definitely running on fumes

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Published by: The Lonely Shepard

Me: I grew up in an extremely abusive & disadvantaged family environment were both parents were really immature & their relationship messy! I was abducted by my Father at age 8 abused physically, mentally, degraded by his 2nd Wife, and I didn't see my Mother again until 4 years later, I had to risk my neck + my life to run off to seek help with the local police & this was way before there was any such laws on the books for child abuse. Think on that awhile. Had learning disabilities all throughout school by the time I graduated I learned nothing, was prepared for nothing out in the World. Think on that. Joined the United States Army right out of High School only reason I did join was that at the time there was an Army recruiter right on the High School campus & he took an interest in me. So I joined. I was really in over my head. But what else could I do? I lived with a single Mom who was emotionally unstable & I had ZERO support from anyone including the school staff + administrators. The military was hard & degrading to me as a woman but I got out with an honorable discharge. More about me: A series of dead end jobs, my mind was totally a mess after I got out of the Army, still had no support not even from the Veterans admin. My journey has been a total nightmare of: trying to find out about myself, learning about myself, how to live as an adult, all with no help. Now after long , and intensive filled journey I'm trying to get back on track with my life I want to go to school with the hope of one day attending University. I don't wish my journey on anyone. No one gave me guidance: as a child as a teen as a young adult I was all on my own! and it was real lonely , isolating, extremely frightening. Family? don't really have any. Now remember everyone I'm African American & I receive little to no respect I don't even warrant a speeding car that will slow down. "The person who sang the National Anthem sang the last note so high that no could reach it! That was intentional!" Belize from Tony Kushners play Angels In America.

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