Ahh Disappointment A Way Of Life For Me.

It’s Sunday and once again I’m in the lurch and I have to find another way to get the remainder of my few things out of storage.  It seems that I depend on anyone this has been a life long problematic occurance.    I don’t have much nor do I get out to have fun.  When you promise to do something for me and you constantly let me down that starts to wear on me.  With the very strained family that I have meaning Mom she just doesn’t help me out with a plan B.  I really must give up expecting anything from her.   A constant disappointment.  But when you have no other family or friends(which I’ve tried to make but no one wants to be bothered)  I just want to throw up my hands & scream!   It really sucks to be me.  If it isn’t enduring abuse while riding the bus and I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been called “ugly”  or “Whore”  I was even called a black bitch I have officially given up on people period.   I even had a former friend who really isn’t talk down to me as I’m struggling.   Hey, just because your doing well in life please don’t talk down to me saying to me stuff like “love yourself” or some other B.S.   That’s condescending and doesn’t make me feel any better about myself.   People will disappoint you.  I’ve never had anyone there for me. Ever.   So much for human beings.  For some people they get all the friends, girlfriends, boyfriends, and they live a charmed life with everything they’ll ever need.   I hate those people.  Well heres to another day of trying to get through the day!  Lets all drink a toast shall we?

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Published by: The Lonely Shepard

Me: I grew up in an extremely abusive & disadvantaged family environment were both parents were really immature & their relationship messy! I was abducted by my Father at age 8 abused physically, mentally, degraded by his 2nd Wife, and I didn't see my Mother again until 4 years later, I had to risk my neck + my life to run off to seek help with the local police & this was way before there was any such laws on the books for child abuse. Think on that awhile. Had learning disabilities all throughout school by the time I graduated I learned nothing, was prepared for nothing out in the World. Think on that. Joined the United States Army right out of High School only reason I did join was that at the time there was an Army recruiter right on the High School campus & he took an interest in me. So I joined. I was really in over my head. But what else could I do? I lived with a single Mom who was emotionally unstable & I had ZERO support from anyone including the school staff + administrators. The military was hard & degrading to me as a woman but I got out with an honorable discharge. More about me: A series of dead end jobs, my mind was totally a mess after I got out of the Army, still had no support not even from the Veterans admin. My journey has been a total nightmare of: trying to find out about myself, learning about myself, how to live as an adult, all with no help. Now after long , and intensive filled journey I'm trying to get back on track with my life I want to go to school with the hope of one day attending University. I don't wish my journey on anyone. No one gave me guidance: as a child as a teen as a young adult I was all on my own! and it was real lonely , isolating, extremely frightening. Family? don't really have any. Now remember everyone I'm African American & I receive little to no respect I don't even warrant a speeding car that will slow down. "The person who sang the National Anthem sang the last note so high that no could reach it! That was intentional!" Belize from Tony Kushners play Angels In America.

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