Got An Unstable Parent? No Support Elsewhere? I’ll Turn To Church!

For many years the last seven to kind of break it down I’ve had some turbulent & troubled times.  For the most part I’ve received little support or anyone that bothered to really take the time to just be my friend even if I may slip up and say something that I don’t mean.  I mean I do deserve a second chance.  That’s not a question its a statement.  I’ve reached out only to find that those I’ve come into contact with seem somewhat on the materialistic & sometimes shallow side with little regard to those that are less fortunate.  I’m not making this up I’ve experienced this time & time again.  People with money act different.   At least that’s what I’ve noticed.    Yeah its unfair, people are judgemental (like they’ve never made any mistakes oh puhleeze!)  Add to that when you have an unstable Mother that is controlling & insists on feeling sorry for herself, does nothing about it then offers zero support in your time of need then has the nerve to get testy about it & not listen?   Then I must turn to Church for whatever support I need.  Now I’ve tried a lot of Churches what I’ve found is that these folks will just show up maybe sing a few hymns then go right back home arm in arm with their significant other probably forgetting what the sermon was.   I know & see right through these folks.  Their God is their significant other!  These folks care little about anyone else.  I know I’ve experienced this.   I won’t say what kind of Church it is or what type of people these Churches serve because I don’t want to get any hate or bad replies.   But due to my own personal experiances I just won’t be attending these particular Churches in the future.  I just don’t have time for the B.S.  I don’t speak it & I don’t listen to it!  I really don’t have much at all & I’m not talking money or material things either.  What I’m talking about is actual people that actually care!   A sense of community, real friends & not these fair weather friends who don’t have their own agenda together.   Nope, I don’t have time for these people either Add to this dilemma is the only surviving unstable parent then my only choice is to find a HEALTHY caring Church which means shopping around for a good one.  Just like anything else in life you just have to shop around.   Hey what else can I do?  I don’t have anyone in my life who really gives a damn! And believe me when I say that.   No one gives a damn.   And I want more out of life.  I’ve tried, tried, tried some more for something like 15 years or more and let me tell you it ain’t  fun going through life all alone, no one talks to you, everyone judges you by what you do, what you have, or don’t have, your being judged by the friends you have or don’t have.  And in my case or anyone else going through the same kinds of issues & situation that I am your just all around ostracized or just plain locked out of just about everything.  Trying to make friends its like you don’t know the secret handshake & your left out of the clubhouse.  

In the words of Robert DeNiro in the movie Heat when he is having a sit down with Al Pacino during their heart to heart talk about following the law versus breaking the law…Robert has the best line that I’ve never forgotten & one that just about everyone else adopts as their own catch phrase and that phrase: “It is what it is”.   Best phrase ever said in a movie and I couldn’t agree more.  And that’s just how I feel when it comes to these sorry folks that I’ve had contact with over the years with the exception of my old friends I had in the late 80’s who were the best but are no longer here.    When I lost them it was similar to when Wall Street crashed.   So, I find myself starting over from scratch.   I’m not real happy about it.  And in the 21st Century its more shallow , superficial, as well as a very real divisive line of the have’s & have not’s for someone like myself I so definitely feel this.   I definitely feel left out across the board.  21st Century is so much more difficult to live in than the 80’s & 90’s.   It really is.  You really have to be so mentally strong to live thru this in this day & age.   The hardest one ever for me.  And much more crass & abrasive unless your on the inside.    So I’ll turn to Church cause I just have no place else to go.  No one wants me no matter how nice I am.   Actually so called friends I became acquainted with throughout the the 90’s were kind of users & were really high maintenance suck all the oxygen out of room types.   No real substance there.  I hope to meet people that have substance to them & not flaky-fair weather-don’t care about how you feel types.  Met too many of these types & I’m so tired to the point of exhaustion over meeting over & over again people like this.   And I’m not even interested in hooking up either because at this time in my life I just don’t want a relationship of an intimate nature…EVER!    If I’m lonely I’ll just get a dog (don’t care much for cats) I’m in a difficult place & have been for so many years.   Often it feels just like a prison term with no chance of parole…its just that difficult everyone especially what is enormously difficult is the bone dry lack of family support!  OMG!  I’ve had many a nervous breakdown over that one!  the most recent was last weekend that ended in me nearly getting a concussion cause I kept head butting the wall!  Some people cut?  Well I hit myself.   Just keeping it real cause living like this will cause a person to go insane and that is why I’m taking myself to Church & not these other so called places of worship were people just play at Church either.   Those places are full of phonies which I won’t waste my time with anymore.

Feel free to reblog this its an important blog and I’m not just tooting my own horn on this, its true!  And if anyone has time I would appreciate it if you could share your stories on the same hardships I’m enduring right now & in the past several years.  I would like that.  See I’m not afraid to ask for what I want.  The problem lies in that no one listens to me, or they give me critical advise that just doesn’t help me.  What I want is love, support , some kind words like “hang in there” or ” We love you”  something along those lines.   Seldom do I hear this its always critical.  Everyone is a psychologist it seems.  And its easy to criticize someone else when your own life is going well….why not just give an encouraging word to someone who is struggling?   What I don’t really care for is for someone to give me a self serving criticizing sermon when all I want is some loving phrase or a kind word.  

Something that’s missing today.

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Published by: The Lonely Shepard

Me: I grew up in an extremely abusive & disadvantaged family environment were both parents were really immature & their relationship messy! I was abducted by my Father at age 8 abused physically, mentally, degraded by his 2nd Wife, and I didn't see my Mother again until 4 years later, I had to risk my neck + my life to run off to seek help with the local police & this was way before there was any such laws on the books for child abuse. Think on that awhile. Had learning disabilities all throughout school by the time I graduated I learned nothing, was prepared for nothing out in the World. Think on that. Joined the United States Army right out of High School only reason I did join was that at the time there was an Army recruiter right on the High School campus & he took an interest in me. So I joined. I was really in over my head. But what else could I do? I lived with a single Mom who was emotionally unstable & I had ZERO support from anyone including the school staff + administrators. The military was hard & degrading to me as a woman but I got out with an honorable discharge. More about me: A series of dead end jobs, my mind was totally a mess after I got out of the Army, still had no support not even from the Veterans admin. My journey has been a total nightmare of: trying to find out about myself, learning about myself, how to live as an adult, all with no help. Now after long , and intensive filled journey I'm trying to get back on track with my life I want to go to school with the hope of one day attending University. I don't wish my journey on anyone. No one gave me guidance: as a child as a teen as a young adult I was all on my own! and it was real lonely , isolating, extremely frightening. Family? don't really have any. Now remember everyone I'm African American & I receive little to no respect I don't even warrant a speeding car that will slow down. "The person who sang the National Anthem sang the last note so high that no could reach it! That was intentional!" Belize from Tony Kushners play Angels In America.

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