I’m just plain exhausted! Tonight I attended a NAMI support group meeting. For those of you not familiar with what NAMI is it stands for National Association (or alliance) Mental Illness. For those of you who look down on someone with a mental illness why I’ll have you know that actress Glenn Close started up a non profit called change 2 mind.org. Glenn Close has a sister with bipolar & there was a commercial were Glenn & her sister are wearing white T-shirts Glenn had sister on hers, and her sister had what her affliction bipolar on hers. The entire commercial was shot in what looked like Grand Central Station in New York. For me that was empowering because I’ve had a lot of people hate me or have a lot of contempt and have froze me out because of my illness. What can you do, some people are real narrow minded & intolerant. Any way tonight I commuted all the way to Bothell for a Nami meeting which isn’t easy riding a bus from the town of Bellevue. But I was desperate & real hungry for support. This particular meeting was a spiritual one. The people were really nice, and for the first time in like 15 years I experienced genuine caring people, which means a lot to someone like me. I liked the people in this meeting. There weren’t a lot of women in fact there were 3 women and I made up one of them, but I got such a good feeling from these group of people. All total there were seven people attending the rest were men and they were nice. What I’ve learned tonight was that when people read the Bible they tend to be a whole lot nicer than people who don’t. I have experienced folks on the opposite end of the continuum who were for the most part secular over the last 20 years and I’ve found the majority pretty self centered, and just didn’t seem to care about me the way a friend should. Time & time again I’ve been disappointed. That’s not to say that people who don’t read the Bible or believe in God aren’t nice, I just have never come across any in 20 years is all I’m saying. Much disappointment there. I’ve encountered so much shallowness, you know if your not pretty than your considered dog meat & a good majority of people especially some of the women I’ve met really don’t treat you well or just downright ignore you, obsessing how beautiful this actress is or whatever.
Since I can’t seem to meet the kinds of friends I want I will just affiliate myself with this Christian group. I can’t seem to find this sort of friendliness anywhere else and believe me I have tried only to get treated bad.
Although I’m not much into the Bible I will start to get into it. I’ve always been into going out & having fun, and to be honest I have never had much of that because I’ve struggled real bad with money, housing, jobs I haven’t really had a fun time of things all throughout my adulthood. I’ve missed out on a lot. I believe in a well rounded life. I just sure haven’t had that! Ever.
For the first time in over 15-20 years I did received some great support tonight. But let me tell you that finding this meeting? Was totally exhausting because I had to ride the bus, then I got lost, had a driver get testy with me on the first bus, I then had to call Metro Transit to figure out what the right bus would be. Then once I found the street everyone I had to walk about another 1/2 mile or so to get to the Church were this meeting was held. It was a hard job. An exhausting job. I almost wanted to give up, turn around & just go home it was just that hard everyone, you all just don’t know. I did make the meeting. Like I had mentioned at the beginning of this blog? I was love starved, and in GREAT need of some support, ANY kind of support. I am real lonely, depressed, and all around sad over my life. I have so many regrets.
If I were to watch myself in a movie I would just cry! This is what I was thinking while riding the bus back home tonight. I almost felt like sobbing on the way home. I couldn’t help but feel empty inside. Sad music was playing inside my head. I wasn’t feeling too great about myself after the meeting , heading home. But that’s not all. I still had to transfer to another bus which I missed and another one wasn’t due for another hour! Guess what your girl here had to do?
I had to walk some miles back to my apartment it was safer than waiting an hour at 10PM at night. When your lonely and need to get out of the house, then your meeting doesn’t let out till 8:30 and it takes you over an hour to get back well you have to make some real tough choices. Next time I will take a cab. Got cab tickets. See, I’m one smart cookie. I needed this meeting and I’m glad I did what it took even though I was so tired both going & coming back from this meeting just so I could have some contact with some people who would talk to me. Give me a big round of applause please. Right now everyone of you reading, I’m dead dog exhausted as I type this. Want to know why? Because writing is my whole life! This keeps me alive, writing keeps me from suicide which I have thought about due to my loneliness, isolation, suicide is a very real thing for those of us who aren’t lucky enough to have friends or family and in my case I really don’t have neither what with a unstable Mother and Stepfather, and a Dad who is dead.
I would write no matter how tired or exhausted I am. I’ll have plenty of time for sleep when I’m dead anyway. I hope that things will get better for me cause my life does make me so sad that it eats away at me. Hey, do me a favor will you? Send me your good wishes, prayers, or however you worship. I need them all. Because I ache, I feel, I get sad. That’s all for now.
To be continued…..stay tuned for the adventures of the Lone Ranger…..High O Silver!