The Black Hole Tonight

The night time is the worst for me.  During the day once I get out of bed which isn’t too bad on average I get up around 9AM earlier if I have to be somewhere.  But tonight I’m experiencing a black hole of utter despair.  I’m in an episode and worse I just have no one, and I mean no one to talk to about this.  I feel like a totally failure in life.  I can’t call my Mom cause all she says in her tired resigned sounding voice is:  You take your medicine?  or I can do nothing for you.  Great woman.    I just want to cease to exist I mean I haven’t done much with my life.  I have no job, I have no friends, I don’t have a relationship but that’s not a big deal since relationships are a big pain in the ass, then you have to be codependant and accountable to the other person.  I could care less relationships are like growing up with your parents always controlling.  But I’m in a lot of despair.   So I turn to this a blog.  At least I have something.  Its not much but its something.   Isn’t it?    Know what?   For the life of me I just don’t know how anyone, anyone does life.   I’ve lost half my life and I’m no farther along than when I was in my 20’s.   I just don’t know.   I don’t know.   I feel like I’m definitely left behind.   I feel like a total loser here.  And I’m real manic I’m just angry so as usual I turn the anger onto myself.   No one is here to comfort me, which makes me sort of go into seizures of sorts.  I’ve taken to rocking myself back & forth like I remember those people I’ve seen when I used to go to a mental health agency.  That makes me feel better I’ve never was in the habit of doing this but I tried it just a few minutes ago and it does help.   I really miss my Dad too.   Today I felt his presence while I was waiting for a bus near what resembled a wheat field but I don’t think it was but some tall tan colored grass about waist high.   I visualized him waving at me & smiling, I almost lost it at the bus stop so I guess his presence was felt.  There is something about wheat fields or what resembles one.  I don’t know.   But I don’t like myself very much tonight or any night for that matter.  And my Mother just does not understand either.   She is incapable of giving me any emotional comfort, she has lots of chronic pain: arthritis (which I repeatedly suggest acupuncture ad nauseum) among other things so she is pretty self centered always has been.  I can’t be there for her.  She has never been there for me ever.   I really miss my Dad I so want to go & visit him like I used to back in the 90’s when I needed a break from Seattle.   I traveled a lot althrough the 90’s to California & I sure did beg him almost every single year to let me stay with him.  The answer was always no due to his many wives (Dad never knew how to stay single) 😦    When I feel like this I tend to say hurtful things to people and I don’t mean them I just have such an empty void in my own life that I’m not quite sure how I can fill.  Nothing works, not prayer, or I don’t know.  I just want someone to talk to.    I’m just tired.   Can anyone relate?  I know that I am pretty much ignored but hey you can’t knock a girl for trying.   Down the black hole I go.  Perhaps I may resurface.  We’ll see

 

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Published by: The Lonely Shepard

Me: I grew up in an extremely abusive & disadvantaged family environment were both parents were really immature & their relationship messy! I was abducted by my Father at age 8 abused physically, mentally, degraded by his 2nd Wife, and I didn't see my Mother again until 4 years later, I had to risk my neck + my life to run off to seek help with the local police & this was way before there was any such laws on the books for child abuse. Think on that awhile. Had learning disabilities all throughout school by the time I graduated I learned nothing, was prepared for nothing out in the World. Think on that. Joined the United States Army right out of High School only reason I did join was that at the time there was an Army recruiter right on the High School campus & he took an interest in me. So I joined. I was really in over my head. But what else could I do? I lived with a single Mom who was emotionally unstable & I had ZERO support from anyone including the school staff + administrators. The military was hard & degrading to me as a woman but I got out with an honorable discharge. More about me: A series of dead end jobs, my mind was totally a mess after I got out of the Army, still had no support not even from the Veterans admin. My journey has been a total nightmare of: trying to find out about myself, learning about myself, how to live as an adult, all with no help. Now after long , and intensive filled journey I'm trying to get back on track with my life I want to go to school with the hope of one day attending University. I don't wish my journey on anyone. No one gave me guidance: as a child as a teen as a young adult I was all on my own! and it was real lonely , isolating, extremely frightening. Family? don't really have any. Now remember everyone I'm African American & I receive little to no respect I don't even warrant a speeding car that will slow down. "The person who sang the National Anthem sang the last note so high that no could reach it! That was intentional!" Belize from Tony Kushners play Angels In America.

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