The Stress

Are any of you familiar with the term of “Night time is the right time”  Well whoever coined that phrase never had to live alone cause night time is the worst time for me.  Last night I was studying out of the Compass test booklet to get me into a local trade school (see my blog about returning to school….the set back)  I’m also practicing my math (I’m no Einstein, and math is my weakest subject, on a 5th grade level)  And once again I’m getting really depressed along with some anger.   I miss my old life when I was younger.  I had so much fun, I had friends life was good.   You all know all this from previous blogs.  But comparing that time in my life to how I live present day really gets to me.   It’s so incredibly difficult now.   Bad choices plus not enough education?  Could land you to living a life like me.   Its true take it from me. 

So, I tried calling my Mother….not a great idea as she has no patience, tells me to read the bible or pray, which I’m doing, but I want to hear some comfort not all talk about prayer.  And truth be told I’m not hearing the prayer talk.   I sure can’t believe her.  She use to use drugs with her boyfriend back in the day, was promiscuous, put me at risk when I was a teen by moving her then boyfriend in with us without talking to me or even telling me about it, now she is this religious fanatic.   Talk about your polar opposites here. 

So to cope with all this I took a walk it was all I could think of to do since I had no one to talk to.  In the midst of my walk I went to the convenience store.  When I got outside to walk back towards my apartment that’s when my stomach cramped up and low & behold I had to use the bathroom.  The other bathroom, I don’t want to gross anyone out here.   It was bad and I still had some 8 blocks to go.  I was lucky to have barely made it home.  As I’m sick in the bathroom guess who calls but dear old Mom.  She gets mad when I don’t answer the phone so as I’m getting sick she calls cold as ever to continue her lecture.   Excuse me?  So she is plying me with all of her dogma and I’m groaning from being sick & I’m groaning.   Mom in her coldest tone says “Well I’ll let you go to finish you business”  like I’m some dog or something.

Not “I hope you feel well” or I would have settled for “I’ll call you later feel better”  One cold fish that one.   That was last night.  It is now as of this typing the very next day & it is now after 5PM and I haven’t heard from her.  That makes me furious!   It makes it hard for me to be her Daughter you know? I feel completely empty and all alone.   Can’t say I deserve this kind of treatment religious fanatic or not.  I certainly don’t appreciate this.

I sure would like to get the **** out of this town & move as far away from her as humanly possible.  Due to financial reasons I’m stuck for now.  Perhaps I’ll consider truck driving school.  Its like my only option, unless I decide vocational school for 18-24 months.  I don’t know.

Don’t know why I even thought that she would change.  Should have just wrote her off long ago lord knows I’ve had plenty of signs.   I just didn’t know anything about mental illness until 7 years ago when it began to be talked about on tv & the papers.  Now I’m stuck & I am not sure what I can do.  Wished I was young enough to go back into the military but its too late for that cause the cut off age is 27.  I feel so stupid for not going back in.  Getting out of the Army was a good choice, but after a couple of years as a civilian and realizing that it sucked, was the time that I should have went to the nearest recruiting office of another branch and signed up then ship out.  I’m thinking that after all the sexual harassment plus verbal demeaning abuse that could have been the reason for not going back into the service.  I was pretty scarred up psychologically.   I tried to ask my Father about living with him, he would always say no.  I kept on asking him for 15 years. 

But that’s all in the past.  I need to figure out how to get out of here.  I don’t care if I have to be a janitor at least I would be out of here.   I need to be around positive people and that sure isn’t happening for me.

Wish me lots of luck.  PLEASE!

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Published by: The Lonely Shepard

Me: I grew up in an extremely abusive & disadvantaged family environment were both parents were really immature & their relationship messy! I was abducted by my Father at age 8 abused physically, mentally, degraded by his 2nd Wife, and I didn't see my Mother again until 4 years later, I had to risk my neck + my life to run off to seek help with the local police & this was way before there was any such laws on the books for child abuse. Think on that awhile. Had learning disabilities all throughout school by the time I graduated I learned nothing, was prepared for nothing out in the World. Think on that. Joined the United States Army right out of High School only reason I did join was that at the time there was an Army recruiter right on the High School campus & he took an interest in me. So I joined. I was really in over my head. But what else could I do? I lived with a single Mom who was emotionally unstable & I had ZERO support from anyone including the school staff + administrators. The military was hard & degrading to me as a woman but I got out with an honorable discharge. More about me: A series of dead end jobs, my mind was totally a mess after I got out of the Army, still had no support not even from the Veterans admin. My journey has been a total nightmare of: trying to find out about myself, learning about myself, how to live as an adult, all with no help. Now after long , and intensive filled journey I'm trying to get back on track with my life I want to go to school with the hope of one day attending University. I don't wish my journey on anyone. No one gave me guidance: as a child as a teen as a young adult I was all on my own! and it was real lonely , isolating, extremely frightening. Family? don't really have any. Now remember everyone I'm African American & I receive little to no respect I don't even warrant a speeding car that will slow down. "The person who sang the National Anthem sang the last note so high that no could reach it! That was intentional!" Belize from Tony Kushners play Angels In America. If you've read this far I will leave my email in case you want to leave me a msg. Those that are rude will get deleted immediately. Contact: Yogibeara425@hushmail.com

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