Still hitting a wall in my life

Is anyone out there?  I feel like I’m talking to myself.

That’s a line out of Eminem’s CD called Recovery.  Never forgot it cause it reflects my own life which is not going too well.  Still trying to figure it all out with nary any help in sight I’m afraid.

Today was Labor day with not much to do I slept most of the day since a lot of places are closed & with no family that does nothing but sit around & watch TV all day I just had no options or reason to even get out of bed.  I’m real lonely.  I’m going for counseling at the VA which I’m not looking forward to cause I feel like I’d be just another anonymous face with the counselors heavy caseload it does not bode well for my self esteem I feel like this won’t be different than all those other times I’ve been to counseling.  Won’t get listened to, I get asked some inane questions and really no one cares about all the abuse I’ve endured the first 18 years of my life then it continued on into adult with my Mom & the majority of adult women who cared little about my feelings.  One in particular had the most dysfunctional mentalities of anyone I ever met. 

I’m trying to keep it all together which isn’t real easy as Labor day has now come to a close cause its almost midnight I have done absolutely nothing fun or anything that was meaningful once again this summer.  I had one lousy summer in a long string of lousy summers.   Once again.   Now the holidays are within a couple of months and I fear another lonely Thanksgiving & Christmas!  My self esteem is really at an all time low right now.

Well another day today its after midnight.  I just don’t know what to do at all.  I guess my last chance is Church.  Which isn’t easy to decide which one to go to, not to mention for the exception of passing people by on the street, I haven’t been around very many.   After being out of circulation for quite sometime I’m really out of practice.  Church is kind of not the way I want to go either for a couple of reasons.  The gay affirming Churches usually have a much older crowd of paunchy grey haired folks which I am not feeling.  Not many 20-40 go to Church which is the age group I would prefer.   Then the straight churches which have a better age demographic aren’t what I want either.   However what I’m thinking how to handle going to the straight churches and there are plenty that have a more exciting service with younger couples with familes & tend to be more friendly & less aloof (I’ve done my ground research) I would probably say something like I don’t date, or I’m divorced which won’t make me look like a freak or something.  The gay affirming Churches tend to be on the judgmental its the truth.  I’ve had some real bad experiances in some of those.   And basically I want to just take myself off the market even though I’m single ! 

I’ll also try to find volunteering at a Church since there seems to be more congenial folks in these environments anyway.  Where I live are very few resources most of which are for single gay parents or couples….I can’t help but hate all the glut of these support groups.  Being single you might as well be a leper….just ship me off to a private colony 😦

I’ve tried A.A. back in ’08’  and let me tell you that saying “let us love you until you love yourself”  is a bunch of total B.S!   What I’ve found in the year & a half that I attended meetings were:

Verbal abuse

Being blown off by scores of fellow A.A. ers

Being pressured for dates cause those 12 step meetings have a real bad reputation of being a pick up place.  However, for me much as I tried to ignore those that I didn’t find too interesting?  I would be followed, stalked, I even had one woman stand a few feet from me just staring at me. a fight actually broke out at one meeting

One meeting that I arrived early at two other women were there, I offered to help with setting up chairs when a woman who had bullied me some years previously came from out of the back coat room took the woman I had been speaking with and proceeded  to whisk away the very same woman to the coat room to make out.

Then the both of them just ignored me talking with each other like I wasn’t even there.

I’ve been sober almost a year.  I swear I won’t ever attend another meeting.  These aren’t real supportive nor nice people…that is unless you have years of sobriety in the double digits i.e. 10-20 years.  

So suffice it to say that finding good supportive friends in this town is a lot like finding that needle in a haystack!  I understand why the majority turn to illegal substances to get through their day!

Everyday is a never ending job of just trying to search for better ways for my life.  I just don’t know how to really do that or where to go to find it.

So sorry if any of this depresses you, but this is the only place that I have to really talk about these things until I have my appointment 3 days from now.  My own Mother whom I called tonight to remind her of her giving me a ride to the VA was as usual distant & real brief in her conversation ( if you could call it that 😦    )  Cold as usual but I think I’m beginning to develop a thick skin around it.  But it still bothers me.   Not having a good supportive family is a lot like walking around severely wounded on the battlefield with no medics in sight to give you first aide.

I’ve been trying to pray but God is just not working fast enough for me.  Its been ALOT of years that I’ve been going through this, and I often times feel as though God has abandoned me.

You’d think that after all of this time God would put a little something in my path i.e. a good friend, a miracle of some sort, a warm & friendly person (this bears repeating twice).  I don’t know.  I feel abandoned. 

I really want to know that someone is there for me.  I often feel like an unwanted guest that no one wants.

I need all the prayers, chants, or however some of you worship to send my way.  Cause I really need them.   Real bad!

I feel like I’m clinging to the side of a cliff with one hand that is badly scraped & I’m barely holding on.   I need your private prayers even if you don’t want to reply send them out.   I’m in a desperate situation.

Thanks for reading & your support however it may come.

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Published by: The Lonely Shepard

Me: I grew up in an extremely abusive & disadvantaged family environment were both parents were really immature & their relationship messy! I was abducted by my Father at age 8 abused physically, mentally, degraded by his 2nd Wife, and I didn't see my Mother again until 4 years later, I had to risk my neck + my life to run off to seek help with the local police & this was way before there was any such laws on the books for child abuse. Think on that awhile. Had learning disabilities all throughout school by the time I graduated I learned nothing, was prepared for nothing out in the World. Think on that. Joined the United States Army right out of High School only reason I did join was that at the time there was an Army recruiter right on the High School campus & he took an interest in me. So I joined. I was really in over my head. But what else could I do? I lived with a single Mom who was emotionally unstable & I had ZERO support from anyone including the school staff + administrators. The military was hard & degrading to me as a woman but I got out with an honorable discharge. More about me: A series of dead end jobs, my mind was totally a mess after I got out of the Army, still had no support not even from the Veterans admin. My journey has been a total nightmare of: trying to find out about myself, learning about myself, how to live as an adult, all with no help. Now after long , and intensive filled journey I'm trying to get back on track with my life I want to go to school with the hope of one day attending University. I don't wish my journey on anyone. No one gave me guidance: as a child as a teen as a young adult I was all on my own! and it was real lonely , isolating, extremely frightening. Family? don't really have any. Now remember everyone I'm African American & I receive little to no respect I don't even warrant a speeding car that will slow down. "The person who sang the National Anthem sang the last note so high that no could reach it! That was intentional!" Belize from Tony Kushners play Angels In America. If you've read this far I will leave my email in case you want to leave me a msg. Those that are rude will get deleted immediately. Contact: Yogibeara425@hushmail.com

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