Today

This blog has various themes, as I type this its nearing 6:30AM I finally had a rested nights sleep!

Now to most of you & these days we live in a society were the good majority just do not care one bit about someone else who isn’t a significant other or anyone who isn’t in our inner circle its sad but oh so true its the World we live in today. 

That is something that I’ve been all too aware of, but I don’t care cause what I write does matter even if no one else seems to think so. SO THERE!  at any rate I am rested after many weeks & I think months of sleep problems…you probably know what I mean you go to sleep for perhaps a few hours then you wake up more tired than when you went to bed.  I’ve had many of these types of problems for I think a few months perhaps longer.   I was smart this time taking some Melotonin then getting to bed around 10PM and with the exception of waking up a couple of times I woke up rested for the first time.   When I woke up one of the things that began to bother me was my lack of friends in like over 2 decades but I quickly remember a friend I had last time I saw her was 12 years ago, so in remembering this I was a bit relieved.  Hey I take what I can get.  I had know this person since the early 90’s and as most friendships it started out pretty well that I remember much like when you make friends in high school.  Remember those times everyone? How easy it was to make a friend? 

If the two of you had something in common, it didn’t really matter what be it playing in the same sport or whatever…you were friends!  And that was that.   Despite my years long dry spell there was a time that I was pretty popular back in high school no small feat either cause its real hard making friends in high school.  I was one that did fit in.  My friends were all honors students who came from good families….and  I thank God for that because I didn’t.  If it weren’t for those great high school friends I most definitely would have ended up hanging with a wrong crowd cause I was a follower not having been taught one single thing from my very unstable Mother.  My emotional growth was stunted to the max!!!  I was real grateful to have had them my life would have turned out much worse had I not met these young women.

But let me get back to the one friend I did have, we met in the early 90’s and it started out good but it was real rocky.  On & off then off for good.  I think the problem lay in both of us had some major baggage so we really couldn’t give each other what we needed.  We were just friends through out it all too, so you would think things would have went somewhat smoothly but at times it didn’t.   My former friend I’ll call her Grace after Grace Kelly my favorite actress of all time, Grace came out of a real abusive relationship I mean it was bad.  She had a real rough go of things when I met her.  Real rough going from shelter to having many roommates I think prior to my having met her.  Our friendship went from the early 90’s on & off until early 2001 I believe because according to the last time I spoke with her on Facebook she later moved one year later.  She was lucky enough to have siblings who lived back East where she was originally from having moved to the Pacific Northwest with her partner.  It was remembering this one fact that gave me relief from having to remember when my last friendship was.  Twelve years ago to me sounds a lot better than 2 decades ago!

Basically I was in no shape to be a good nor supportive friend because I couldn’t be one due to my own problems I had, had.  At the time both of my parents were alive but my Dad lived in California & Mom lived here in Seattle.  Mom was/ is mentally unstable & I wasn’t getting any kind of anything from her.  No support, just no anything as she ran hot & cold everyday.  I need that family structure, hey I still need it.   So it was this & other things in my life that just didn’t make me good friend material as I needed someone who could be there for me, okay I’ll admit it I needed someone to sort of look after me.   Don’t know about all of you but It sure would have been of great benefit to have had a Will & Grace type of situation.   I am being honest.   Or something close to it.  That’s what I really could have used at that point in my life.  Compared to today which is somewhat better, I was an emotionally starved, very empty person that I didn’t know how to handle.  When your taught nothing, then you know nothing which includes giving yourself what you need.  I just didn’t know how to do that.  I had all these so called human beings (if you could call them that) tell me that that’s what I need to do, but just saying that really doesn’t help the person I feel.  Because as far as learning to love yourself?  It doesn’t fall out of the sky, nor do  you wake up one morning saying “Oh boy, today I love myself, I have great self esteem & I’m going to go out & tackle the World & succeed….WRONG!  If what I’ve just said has happened for you?  Hey, I tip my hat to you. 

Cause it sure didn’t happen for me, and to a certain extent kind of hasn’t, but at least I’m a little further along than I have been in a real long time.  It was a long & very painful process.

So what with Grace’s many problems then I had my own issues more often than not we would go our separate ways….then get back together (sounds like a intimate relationship which it wasn’t but seemed similar) when we would reunite then it was like nothing had happened.  I remember that once Grace gave me 40 dollars when I was in a real bad way a real big deal because she was just as bad off as I was.  However in the end our friendship did run its course. 

I remember she had a lot of issues with physical pain which I think may have been hereditary despite her having been close to being a decade younger than myself.  I didn’t understand what going through physical pain was like.  I knew what emotional & mental pain was like.  So I put the brakes on our friendship one last time in 2001.  Things often happen for a reason too cause one year later as I was to learn, after more serious misfortunes that Grace had she was able to stay with her sister in Mass. state. 

So I’m happy for her that she finally was able to escape the hell hole that is the Pacific Northwest.   Makes me wish I had siblings.  I did beg my Dad to let me live with him in California for years all through out the 90’s until I could find a job or two.  But the answer was always no due to his 3rd or 4th Wife that he was living with at the time.  Now that he is dead I really wished that he would have re-thought that decision.  But I covered this in a previous blog if your interested in reading Fathers day.

Anyway, this blog is to sort of validate to myself & to no one else that all is not lost with me even though most times I may think that it is.   These are some hard times for me.  I wake up with anxiety over being lonely & isolated, and if I can remember even one time or a few times that I’ve had friends & it makes me feel even a little bit better  And it helps me hang in a little bit longer  Then I have a little bit of hope, which until this morning I thought that I lost…permanently!

Its gotten so bad that I’m turning to a traditional family Church as a last resort for myself.  Perhaps there I can find what I’m looking for which is inclusiveness.  

Wish me luck! 

 

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Published by: The Lonely Shepard

Me: I grew up in an extremely abusive & disadvantaged family environment were both parents were really immature & their relationship messy! I was abducted by my Father at age 8 abused physically, mentally, degraded by his 2nd Wife, and I didn't see my Mother again until 4 years later, I had to risk my neck + my life to run off to seek help with the local police & this was way before there was any such laws on the books for child abuse. Think on that awhile. Had learning disabilities all throughout school by the time I graduated I learned nothing, was prepared for nothing out in the World. Think on that. Joined the United States Army right out of High School only reason I did join was that at the time there was an Army recruiter right on the High School campus & he took an interest in me. So I joined. I was really in over my head. But what else could I do? I lived with a single Mom who was emotionally unstable & I had ZERO support from anyone including the school staff + administrators. The military was hard & degrading to me as a woman but I got out with an honorable discharge. More about me: A series of dead end jobs, my mind was totally a mess after I got out of the Army, still had no support not even from the Veterans admin. My journey has been a total nightmare of: trying to find out about myself, learning about myself, how to live as an adult, all with no help. Now after long , and intensive filled journey I'm trying to get back on track with my life I want to go to school with the hope of one day attending University. I don't wish my journey on anyone. No one gave me guidance: as a child as a teen as a young adult I was all on my own! and it was real lonely , isolating, extremely frightening. Family? don't really have any. Now remember everyone I'm African American & I receive little to no respect I don't even warrant a speeding car that will slow down. "The person who sang the National Anthem sang the last note so high that no could reach it! That was intentional!" Belize from Tony Kushners play Angels In America.

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