Another Day….Same thing

Tough times.   I’m just plain disgusted today!  All I have are prayer & the bible.  Yeah some of you probably aren’t all too religious which is fine.  Some of you may even laugh at me or are a bit scornful.  But you know what everyone?  When you have little else then for me this is the only thing that I have.  Prayer & reading passages out of my bible that my Mother of all people bought for me which I didn’t want in the first place, and might I add she didn’t even check with me first.  What I had wanted was money to buy some new clothes, comic books, or something fun like that.   Just so you’ll know I prefer to be asked what I want for Christmas because it shows that YOU actually care what I want.

However, I’m sort of glad that I have it now because in times of:

Loneliness

Despair

Of years of the same thing of everything sucking and it does suck

These are the only things that I have

Don’t really have anyone kicking down my door for friendship

or anything else for that matter

Life sure isn’t like a TV show like Sex In The City TV series or the movie for that matter

I sure wish it were minus all the promiscuity of course cause I’ve never really been a fan of sex anyway

And I thank God for that otherwise I might have been a victim of the AIDS virus.  Remember the one you may sleep with aren’t necessarily honest about their history.  That is the plain truth.  I keep it real on here.

Today I’m simply frustrated.  Today is Saturday and as always I’m at a loss on what to do.  Yeah, I suppose I can run errands like:

Going to the post office to pick up a package that came for me.

Go to the library which I’m sick to death of doing since I’ve been going to the library so much I feel that I should move in there & start paying rent!

Today while I was taking my recycling out to empty cause it was overflowing, I just let loose & out loud of how sick I am with how much it sucks in my life.  I didn’t even care if someone else came outside to see me venting either.  At this point I just don’t care!

All I have on this Saturday afternoon is Mr. Mozart playing on my small CD player, this laptop that I’m typing on, a messy apartment that I refuse to straighten up, I feel why bother?  Cleaning does little to help how I feel anyway.  That’s just how I feel.  I’ve never really been a clean freak anyway.   As a little girl I hated chores to the max!  No incentive except if I didn’t do them I would get screamed at or belittled of what a loser or some such thing.  So I say to hell with it.

I no longer like going to the movies especially when I found out that all of the celebrities have sold out and in a major way that I won’t get into just to get fame.  Do your own research on this and you’ll know what I’m talking about.

Sometimes, I understand why some people hang with a bad crowd too.  Cause hanging with someone is better than hanging with no one at all.  Don’t believe me then take a look at all the young people who join gangs.  With no support nor positive family that pays attention to these young people then what else do the do?  Find what they need in the streets of course!  Do you follow me?

I don’t condone it, but I sure do understand it.  Cause being lonely is a total bitch! When my Father was alive & we would have our weekly or bi-weekly phone calls ( he had lived in L.A. remember? If you’ve read my previous blogs)  Dad had said the very same thing.  It was why I would frequently go out of town to visit him just to get away from Seattle for a moment.  I sure do miss my visits to him.  Despite him being a lousy Father I at least had somewhere to go, plus California is a great place to get away minus all the stuck up & mean people there.  Not much different from Seattle except down in L.A. the people sure look great!  Tan & very fit.

It just isn’t easy living this way.  But then again nothing really has come easy in my life.  Sure I had real brief periods of things going pretty good like friendships but like anything in life nothing lasts forever.  Friends get married, move, or die as was the case with me.  It does happen everyone. 

I may be a bit controversial here but I even understand why some people commit suicide too.  I’m not saying that I will, cause I am too much of a coward to do such a thing although I’ve attempted it a few times almost overdosing on drugs…wow lets just say that it was a real close call for yours truly here…came close that one time.  Like the rapper Eminem who almost died of a drug overdose and not that long ago, he almost bought that ticket to the other side had he waited just a moment longer and had he not had someone ( or someone else I don’t remember) drive him to the ER to save his life.  He is now drug & alcohol free & in recovery.  Don’t care for his music but I’m happy that he didn’t die only to be another artist to succumb.

I did succeed in getting off drugs but it wasn’t easy plus I had zero support from the 12 step program & its people who attend them due to their abusive nature to how they treat the newcomers who struggle with addiction.  And there were other things that I feel were demeaning especially when it came to the emotional + mental issues.  You just don’t down play someone’s issues especially when the person telling their story experienced sever trauma as I did.  There was one time that I was almost killed in a robbery.  Luckily for myself & the old woman with whom I was forced to keep company with (I was around 9 at the time, it was Step Mom’s Mother) all the robber wanted was money which I was real expedient to give him out of the old ladies purse.  I used to steal money out of it so I knew just exactly were to find it.

I like to think that the robber was happy ( I guess?) when I found the purse that the old lady had in her closet, had cash in it, and this woman had a closet full of purses something like a dozen if I remember.  Whew!  the robber than told us to go into the bathroom and count to 100 real slowly….Man!  ain’t that something, seems like all these criminals have the same getaway procedure of counting to 100 or higher.  All do the same thing when they’re committing a crime such as a robbery.  But no matter, at least we weren’t harmed or worst if you know what I mean.  Remember how Sharon Tate fared?  I rest my case on that!  When I relayed that the sponsor I had didn’t even bother to comfort me whatsoever!  Oh well, another traumatic moment in the life of.

It sucks let me tell you.

When I ask for your prayers I’m not just being hokey or corny….I really do need them everyone.  Or however else you worship I really do need them.  For I am in the utmost pain just trying to find my way into the World & out of this miserable, uncaring, unfriendly town.

were bigotry, discrimination, and indifference seem to reign supreme here.   When I was a little girl I just couldn’t imagine what I was in for down the road.  Don’t think I would have wanted to stick around if I had.

Oh well maybe I’ll go to the grocery to find some sort of vegetarian whatever to eat tonight. Then perhaps do some heavy duty prayer & read whatever passage to take this inner turmoil away.  Don’t like TV it sucks & there is nothing but garbage intended to turn your mind to mush.  Don’t believe me?  Just turn on you boob tube then you’ll know what I mean.

Well that’s it from the diary of one struggling, sometimes real lost with a sense of despair woman trying to make her way into the World.

Hopefully there are some good people out there waiting to meet someone like me.  People who accept me just the way I am & not for what they want me to be.

One can only hope.

Advertisements

Published by: The Lonely Shepard

Me: I grew up in an extremely abusive & disadvantaged family environment were both parents were really immature & their relationship messy! I was abducted by my Father at age 8 abused physically, mentally, degraded by his 2nd Wife, and I didn't see my Mother again until 4 years later, I had to risk my neck + my life to run off to seek help with the local police & this was way before there was any such laws on the books for child abuse. Think on that awhile. Had learning disabilities all throughout school by the time I graduated I learned nothing, was prepared for nothing out in the World. Think on that. Joined the United States Army right out of High School only reason I did join was that at the time there was an Army recruiter right on the High School campus & he took an interest in me. So I joined. I was really in over my head. But what else could I do? I lived with a single Mom who was emotionally unstable & I had ZERO support from anyone including the school staff + administrators. The military was hard & degrading to me as a woman but I got out with an honorable discharge. More about me: A series of dead end jobs, my mind was totally a mess after I got out of the Army, still had no support not even from the Veterans admin. My journey has been a total nightmare of: trying to find out about myself, learning about myself, how to live as an adult, all with no help. Now after long , and intensive filled journey I'm trying to get back on track with my life I want to go to school with the hope of one day attending University. I don't wish my journey on anyone. No one gave me guidance: as a child as a teen as a young adult I was all on my own! and it was real lonely , isolating, extremely frightening. Family? don't really have any. Now remember everyone I'm African American & I receive little to no respect I don't even warrant a speeding car that will slow down. "The person who sang the National Anthem sang the last note so high that no could reach it! That was intentional!" Belize from Tony Kushners play Angels In America. If you've read this far I will leave my email in case you want to leave me a msg. Those that are rude will get deleted immediately. Contact: Yogibeara425@hushmail.com

Categories UncategorizedTags