Like Rodney Dangerfield Once Said “I get no respect”

Thursday, September 19th.

It has now been exactly one week since I heard from my Mother.  Don’t get me wrong I’m glad that I haven’t heard from her cause all she wants to do is argue or make me feel guilty that I’m not coming over to her house to come over.   Her & her psycho Husband with whom I just can’t stand. 

And with good reason.  You see Mom’s current Husband…who is NOT my biological Father…If you all remember or for those of you reading my blog for the first time….my Father is dead now its been 7 years ago.

This psycho I’ll call him Rick is a pretty evil guy.  He is jealous of me, he resents that Mom has given me a few bucks to help me out from time to time, this he really hates!  So much so that this guy intentionally ran up all the credit cards in his & my Mothers name just to get back at Mom. 

Oh yes, he is that kind of guy pure evil.  He hates that I’m smart & smarter than he is.   I’ll give you an example.  About a month ago, Mom calls me to pick my brain on how she can get a dog for her house.  So I explain to her much like a Mother to a child so in short our roles are reversed, I explain to Mom that she could go to either one of two animal shelters to get a dog.  One in Bellevue or in South King County closer to where she lives.  She then seems happy that she got this info from me.

When she calls me I think it was over a week ago she now tells me that Rick instead has decided to drive the two of them WAY up North in Washington to a town so far up North that Whites up there really do hate African Americans…in other words a really redneck town…to buy a German Shepard.

I said to my Mother that this just didn’t make any sense to me to go all the way up to Aberdeen a place so repugnant that even Kurt Cobain (who grew up there before he went on to fame) hated it there.

Why even ask me anything then?  I then ask her if the dog they’re getting is house broken, and do you know what she says “I don’t know, but we’ve put down a deposit”.  

Now is it just me, or does it sound very strange that you would put down a deposit on a dog that you’ve never seen?   No doubt like a sheep following the heard, my Mother is blindly following her nitwit Husband on this bizarre undertaking.

Since being with this guy her intelligence quotient has dropped so far down that I don’t think that she’ll ever find it.

The last dog which was a German Shepard that Mom & Rick had before he died & went to Heaven well they bought the dog near to where they live which was in South King County back in the 90’s.

I asked her & she told this bit of info.  So I was left with scratching my head.  Rick is a strange psychotic, very mentally ill man who has no reason even being married but my Mother was not so bright to have married him….  A little boy in a grown mans body that Mom kept trying to rescue ever since I was a young teen.   Kind of gross don’t you think?   You don’t have your boyfriend living with you & your teenaged Daughter….ewww!  You can figure that out.

Ever since that I can remember, my Mother has just so totally disrespected me.

Trying to rescue this drunkard of a man when we had arrived in Washington when I was 12 & neglecting me.

This so called man is then kind of forced on me & I’m forced to give this nimrod respect when he clearly doesn’t deserve it.  

She then moves this guy in with us when I was 14, I come home from school one day to find this dipshit already moved into the duplex that Mom & I had shared.  And did Mom talk to me about this?

Hell no!  He was gross & I’ll leave it at that.  That pretty much traumatized me.  He took drugs while there, threw drug parties with those weird looking strobe light things with strange colored light bulbs. The house constantly reeked of weed.  Mom joined him at times.  I’m just shaking my head right now as I type.  Just no respect for me whatsoever!   I’m surprised I turned out half way decent.  I really am.

Although I’ve struggled with keeping a job, I never really went to school, then I ended up getting on Public assistance then onto government assistance the very things I never thought I would be on.  And its damn embarrassing for me!  I had a lot of mental health issues that eventually did catch up with me.  The final straw was when my Father dropped dead all of a sudden, then I was notified via a MESSAGE ON MY VOICEMAIL!  Then the Wife not only left me out of all the arrangements but treated me like shit to boot!  

Nervoussssssss  Breakkkkkkdowwn!  I go right down the rabbit hole folks for many years only recently to resurface & try to get my life back together again.  I feel like Humpty Dumpty!

Check out my blog about living with an unstable parent if you have some time & it will give you a window on just what it was like for me growing up.  Its somewhere in here in the blog archives.

But check it out everyone, I was coming home from the Church soup kitchen which had some really good food by the way.  But when I was on the bus I felt like bursting out into tears!  Today then yesterday when I was coming home from a different Church offering a free hot meal.   My heart is breaking.   I’m so tired of constant heartbreak.  Now my Mother is added to the list.

But you know what?   I just cannot take another hateful, psycho step parent who hates me all because he has some unresolved issues with Daddy & Mommy.   I’m tired of underhanded devious step parents who when they don’t get the kind of treatment that they want from other people, then these sick people are devious, sneaky, even shady creating underhanded drama that causes stress.

Such people as this deserve to live alone on a remote outpost say like the North Pole!

Everyone I just will NOT tolerate another toxic step parent or anyone else for that matter EVER!

I was in such torment today on my way to St. James Community Kitchen to get my free hot meal I said real low under my breath this:

No more

No more will I put up with this shit ever again.

When I say I feel uncomfortable around someone that Mom is living with even if its her Husband then I give myself permission NOT to go over to the house causing myself to feel uncomfortable.

And my Mom should understand this! 

But she doesn’t & she never has…probably never will since she is a miserable elderly person.

I suspect that I’ll hear from her but I’m not looking forward to it.  And I’m not going to call her.

If she tries to guilt trip me, I will stand up to her being of course as calm as I can but I will assert myself getting my own feelings off of my chest.  I will not tolerate this abusive behavior NO MORE!

No more!

Be grateful that you all don’t have this sort of F***ked up family that’s just disgustingly gross!  And I’ve only scratched the surface here because the stuff I did leave out REALLY DID mess me up!

See what I’m saying?

Send me your prayers please, cause I’ve never known ANY SANE people which is why I spend ALL OF MY TIME alone.

It just ain’t fun.  I wish I had what you all had in life.  Just someone who is stable & has a sense of humor.  

Church here I come.  Its better than nothing.

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Published by: The Lonely Shepard

Me: I grew up in an extremely abusive & disadvantaged family environment were both parents were really immature & their relationship messy! I was abducted by my Father at age 8 abused physically, mentally, degraded by his 2nd Wife, and I didn't see my Mother again until 4 years later, I had to risk my neck + my life to run off to seek help with the local police & this was way before there was any such laws on the books for child abuse. Think on that awhile. Had learning disabilities all throughout school by the time I graduated I learned nothing, was prepared for nothing out in the World. Think on that. Joined the United States Army right out of High School only reason I did join was that at the time there was an Army recruiter right on the High School campus & he took an interest in me. So I joined. I was really in over my head. But what else could I do? I lived with a single Mom who was emotionally unstable & I had ZERO support from anyone including the school staff + administrators. The military was hard & degrading to me as a woman but I got out with an honorable discharge. More about me: A series of dead end jobs, my mind was totally a mess after I got out of the Army, still had no support not even from the Veterans admin. My journey has been a total nightmare of: trying to find out about myself, learning about myself, how to live as an adult, all with no help. Now after long , and intensive filled journey I'm trying to get back on track with my life I want to go to school with the hope of one day attending University. I don't wish my journey on anyone. No one gave me guidance: as a child as a teen as a young adult I was all on my own! and it was real lonely , isolating, extremely frightening. Family? don't really have any. Now remember everyone I'm African American & I receive little to no respect I don't even warrant a speeding car that will slow down. "The person who sang the National Anthem sang the last note so high that no could reach it! That was intentional!" Belize from Tony Kushners play Angels In America.

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