Can’t Get Any Worse Than Today

Friday September 20th

Total disaster.   My Mom did call me, however it seemed to me that the only reason that she called was that she felt that she HAD TO instead of wanting to.  I could hear it in her voice.  I’m not stupid.  A very disappointed sounding voice.  And let me say if she is disappointed in me, it can’t begin to compare of how disappointed & heart broken I am of her.

I told her I had a real bad week.  She didn’t seem to care.  See, the landlord where I live seemed to have lost my rent check & so I had to pay a double rent.  So I’m in the hole of 300 dollars.  My rent is subsidized but really everyone 300 dollars is 300 dollars which almost puts me in the negative column of my checking account.

I was in pain & needed comfort .   So much for that.  Hell will freeze over cause Mom really didn’t want to hear it, instead she was talking endlessly about the new dog.  As usual she talked over me cause when she talks you can never get a word in edge wise.

She was controlling to the end even dictating to me about my decision to mail my rent check to the Manager instead of dropping it in the Manager mail slot in the office.  Total disregard dictating to me to continue to drop the rent into the mail slot.  I’m never listened to.  Ever. 

So, I don’t want to really talk to her for a long, long, long while.  I don’t think I will talk to her ever.

lots of people don’t talk to their Parents.  I will be added to that list I guess.  I even went so far to drop off a cell phone that the gross Step Dad ( how I loathe that title, not a Step Dad at all) gave me right into my Mothers mail box.   I don’t wish to be beholden to that man!   Besides I have another phone that is free courtesy of the government.  Those free phones for people that really need them.

It doesn’t get any worse for me.  Today I went back to that Church for a dinner.  This time the line was long, it was sooooo humiliating to stand in that line.  All of my self esteem & self respect went right out the window.  If that wasn’t bad enough, people in the line kept cutting in front of me.  That’s real dangerous.   Especially in this day & age of everything going bad.

People get cut doing stuff like that.  To cap it all off I was in line with some of the most grossest guys ever.  One guy standing in front of me kept scratching his balls….ALOT!

I passed on dinner.

I then walked about 8 blocks over to where the local hospital was to catch a bus to drop off the cell phone at my Mothers house.

Once at my Mothers house I did not bother to announce my arrival.  Remember I don’t have that kind of Mother where you can just drop in & I’m greeted with a smile, get fed.   Nope, and I know that so I dropped the phone off in the mail box then I left!  Better than what I wanted to do with the phone which was to throw it in the trash.  It is a Verizon phone.  But I really wanted to toss in somewhere either in creek, or the trash.

My way of telling my Mother to go to hell.  This has been years in the making everyone.  I’ve reached the end of my rope.   I am tired of all the disrespect that I feel that she gives me.

I’m enraged, I have lost all hope.  

And tonight I dine on Kellogg’s frosted flakes with orange juice tonight. 

couldn’t even get my flu shot today cause my insurance was not excepted.  I was so full of despair I gave up then left my insurance card with the Pharmacist!  This was prior to the disastrous attempt at getting dinner over at the Church.

I’m over the edge.  Right now it wouldn’t take much to do something real self destructive, like stealing something.  Or bullying someone, hurting someone’s feelings, kicking someone’s cat.

I’ve got plenty of the Devil in me tonight.  I’m full of bad blood tonight. 

My life I feel is just not worth much.

Can you silently send me some well wishes?  Can take much more of this!

Oh the hellish places & people you will meet.

I’m down to the bare bones.

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Published by: The Lonely Shepard

Me: I grew up in an extremely abusive & disadvantaged family environment were both parents were really immature & their relationship messy! I was abducted by my Father at age 8 abused physically, mentally, degraded by his 2nd Wife, and I didn't see my Mother again until 4 years later, I had to risk my neck + my life to run off to seek help with the local police & this was way before there was any such laws on the books for child abuse. Think on that awhile. Had learning disabilities all throughout school by the time I graduated I learned nothing, was prepared for nothing out in the World. Think on that. Joined the United States Army right out of High School only reason I did join was that at the time there was an Army recruiter right on the High School campus & he took an interest in me. So I joined. I was really in over my head. But what else could I do? I lived with a single Mom who was emotionally unstable & I had ZERO support from anyone including the school staff + administrators. The military was hard & degrading to me as a woman but I got out with an honorable discharge. More about me: A series of dead end jobs, my mind was totally a mess after I got out of the Army, still had no support not even from the Veterans admin. My journey has been a total nightmare of: trying to find out about myself, learning about myself, how to live as an adult, all with no help. Now after long , and intensive filled journey I'm trying to get back on track with my life I want to go to school with the hope of one day attending University. I don't wish my journey on anyone. No one gave me guidance: as a child as a teen as a young adult I was all on my own! and it was real lonely , isolating, extremely frightening. Family? don't really have any. Now remember everyone I'm African American & I receive little to no respect I don't even warrant a speeding car that will slow down. "The person who sang the National Anthem sang the last note so high that no could reach it! That was intentional!" Belize from Tony Kushners play Angels In America. If you've read this far I will leave my email in case you want to leave me a msg. Those that are rude will get deleted immediately. Contact: Yogibeara425@hushmail.com

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