Monday

Monday September 23rd

I’m real bad!  I have no one to give me comfort.  All I’m getting is cold distant treatment.  I don’t deal with being real broke and I budget what little money that I have so at the end of the month, I usually have at least a couple hundred to get whatever groceries, skin care or what ever little things I might need.

What upsets me is that I’m such a nice person but time & time again I run into some real unsavory people, or bigoted folks, or people that have a nasty jealous streak against me just because I have a real class act disposition.  Shit, I should have been born into a prominent family.   Sometimes I wonder if perhaps I was switched at birth.  There seems to be someone who sabotages shit, some sort of underhanded situations.  I’ve met a few so called friends like that.   Now it seems I’m dealing with a landlord that is a total crook, or extremely inept.  Cause anyone can swear up & down that it wasn’t their fault.

Last week I discovered a gift card to a local very over priced steak house that my Mother gave me on my birthday in lieu of actually sitting across the table from her to dine.  So I went down to the restaurant because this place is WAY over priced, predominately Caucasion go there.  So since I had a 50 dollar gift card ( there lowest dinner is like 25 dollars)  I went for the lunch menu its cheaper.

Now another situation.  Since I had a 50 dollar gift card I was told that I had to use it ALL AT ONCE.  So a one time thing.  That is just so stupid!   So I had to order 50 dollars worth of stuff, then all I got to carry the shit in was two cheap liquor store type bags!  So in other words, real cheap bags.  I then had to go back because the staff forgot my water!   I’m thinking if I’m ordering all this damn stuff shouldn’t there be a nice bag with handles so I can carry all this shit?

At those prices I expect it.

Then I’m on a bus & school is out.  The brats load on at least 20+ load on.  Great! 😦

I get home to open one of my food cartons.  I open the one labeled Fish & Chips and end up with some of the toughest fish I ever tasted.  My teeth are slowly eroding…..so when I take a bite out of the fish it is coated  with a sand paper style batter that would scratch the roof of your mouth or to further chip your teeth.  I’m used to the light beer batter fish.  This wasn’t it.  For 7 dollars I expected more.

The cold fries tastes better.  This restaurant is way over estimated plus real snobby.  I felt real uncomfortable waiting in there let me tell you!

What a day!  One good thing at least the woman who works at the Alliance For People With Disabilities a non profit agency was caring & supportive.  Let me say everyone I just don’t get that! 

Ever!  What I usually get is cold, distant, often a apathetic voice on the other end.   And all the while I’m in meltdown mode ready to go on a rampage.   I am capable of being self destructive.  It’s bad.   I feel like I can’t surface from this deep dark black hole I’m in.

I have no love for the landlord, my Mother, and that troll of a Step Father.

I feel like I’m wounded & left out on the side of the road with no one to pull over to offer help.

I need a bunch of prayers.  I’m hurting.

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Published by: The Lonely Shepard

Me: I grew up in an extremely abusive & disadvantaged family environment were both parents were really immature & their relationship messy! I was abducted by my Father at age 8 abused physically, mentally, degraded by his 2nd Wife, and I didn't see my Mother again until 4 years later, I had to risk my neck + my life to run off to seek help with the local police & this was way before there was any such laws on the books for child abuse. Think on that awhile. Had learning disabilities all throughout school by the time I graduated I learned nothing, was prepared for nothing out in the World. Think on that. Joined the United States Army right out of High School only reason I did join was that at the time there was an Army recruiter right on the High School campus & he took an interest in me. So I joined. I was really in over my head. But what else could I do? I lived with a single Mom who was emotionally unstable & I had ZERO support from anyone including the school staff + administrators. The military was hard & degrading to me as a woman but I got out with an honorable discharge. More about me: A series of dead end jobs, my mind was totally a mess after I got out of the Army, still had no support not even from the Veterans admin. My journey has been a total nightmare of: trying to find out about myself, learning about myself, how to live as an adult, all with no help. Now after long , and intensive filled journey I'm trying to get back on track with my life I want to go to school with the hope of one day attending University. I don't wish my journey on anyone. No one gave me guidance: as a child as a teen as a young adult I was all on my own! and it was real lonely , isolating, extremely frightening. Family? don't really have any. Now remember everyone I'm African American & I receive little to no respect I don't even warrant a speeding car that will slow down. "The person who sang the National Anthem sang the last note so high that no could reach it! That was intentional!" Belize from Tony Kushners play Angels In America.

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