Sunday September 22,

Had trouble getting out of bed today, real depressed.  Feeling like nothing really goes right in my life.  I’m still burning mad at the apartment management.  That whole lost check rent business has me so furious I just want to lash out at somebody anybody, but mostly that kid manager whom I’m sure had something to do with messing things up.   This has got me so depressed, angry and I have no one who can give me comfort.

Earlier today I left to go across town to attend a Church function for the disabled.  I had to leave early.  I passed my landlord we went in opposite directions me going one way her going the other.  Only I really didn’t know it was her, and I was still brewing in my anger.

When I went over to the bus stop, I noticed for the first time that it was the landlord going into her office.  Usually she say hi but she said nothing.  At this point I really don’t care, I’m mad as hell.  You know when you rent you really get screwed if your landlord is inept.

Good news & bad news.  The good news is I did make it out to this function for a church ministry that helps the disabled ones that are in wheelchairs & wheelchairs & brain injuries or other disabilities of the brain so their speech is not so great.

Bad news is I didn’t much like the so called social event.  A meal was served, but OMG it tasted real bad.  I don’t eat meat but in the pasta & meat dish it tasted real funny plus there were olives which I don’t like.  It was pretty bland.  See I travel to the South and the food whether it is the Church or in someone’s home is so tasty with just the right ingredients.

Seattle has the worst tasting food.  I’ve lived here awhile so I know. 

Everyone had to share a table I didn’t like the people who sat at the same table.  There were 3 disabled one blind man, another elderly blind man with no teeth & another young man paralyzed who had to talk via a keyboard.  These folks I liked.  It was the non disabled people that I didn’t much care for.  Here’s why.

One of the men with whom I really didn’t like was a caregiver to the young guy (hard to tell he was balding at the top so I guess he was fairly young) had a caregiver who seemed like a family member.  This guy the family member guy it seemed to me, well he acted like he just couldn’t stand to be there.  No kidding everyone.  He seemed to have barely just beneath the surface some sort of anger or irritation.  I’m very good at ascertaining someone’s demeanor.  Plus the caregiver family member just didn’t want to socialize.  He had this thousand yard stare. 

The only other guy who sat over to my right well he seemed amiable enough but he didn’t want to talk. 

I felt the whole thing not very fun.  Plus it was corny.  I’m not sure if I want to volunteer with this ministry.  Perhaps the volunteering will be different this was just an event.  But I didn’t feel comfortable.  A very frigid atmosphere or perhaps it might have been the table I was sitting at.

After I left I was mad all over again about that rent check that seemed to mysteriously disappeared earlier this month.  I am in the hole for 300 dollars, to make up for the lost check for which I know that wasn’t my fault, I had to empty out my lock box which I had 200 dollars saved for opening a checking account now gone.  And for me 200 dollars is a lot of money.

I had however filed a claim for the lost money order at the post office.

That will take six weeks.

So I now can’t stand the landlord.  I don’t know where to put the check when October rolls around because I sure as hell don’t want to put it in the mail slot.  Ever.

I sense something afoot.  No two ways about it.  Time to contact the Tenants Union.

Now the bus ride back from the Church event.  I was out on the North End of town so predominately White.  I get on the bus, I’m on my cell phone I’m not talking loud but the bus driver a scraggly, mullet wearing White guy when he makes a stop to pick up people he gets out of his chair gives me a very hostile look, I had thought a wheelchair passenger was coming onto the bus so I thought the bus driver was going to tell me to move.    Instead this man is yelling at me to keep my voice down.  Just one thing I wasn’t talking loud.  What I think it is was he just could not stand me.  I’m intelligent & that poses a threat to someone who is not.  I have no idea why he disliked me I did nothing to the man.  But it was clear to me that he was a straight up redneck, he had that look.  Kind of a Hells Angels type of look.

I just don’t understand this backwards town.  I have racial slurs screamed at me, I have my very life threatened, all on a public bus in front of everyone and absolutely nothing gets done about it.  See this is why I need to travel with a buddy.  African American women get harassed a lot by both other African American ( usually men they love to put you down for what ever reason).  I just don’t understand that!

The redneck driver then proceeds to taunt me my guess is so I would strike him.  I’ll bet he wouldn’t have dared to that to some African American brothers.  But I stood up for myself and I told him.  That shut him up.  Clearly his tactic didn’t work.

I wished that I didn’t have to travel alone so much.  It’s when women travel alone that people feel like they can fuck with you.

Not a real great way to spend a Sunday you all.  Really bad food, unfriendly people at an event, then a really boorish bus driver.

I’m getting too old for this shit.

Not expecting tomorrow to be any better.  Barely no money & an early morning meeting with an advisor at a school I will possibly attend.  I hope I can get help, and when I mean help what I mean is step by step help in getting to school.  The whole nine yards.   What may be easy or do-able for you is like for me climbing Mt. Everest.  I’m special needs, mentally ill so everything is a steep uphill climb through this thing we call life.

Do me a favor?  treat me with dignity & don’t ridicule or shame me.

Cause I’ve been through enough punishment my whole LIFE!

I need well wishes, lots of prayers for ME, and encouragement.

Since no one will post a positive reply than what you can do is verbally send them out to me however you pray, chant it must be positive not any of that negative stuff that’s rampant in the World.  I don’t like nor condone that secular stuff. 

Thanks for reading.  Thanks for just paying attention to me in a World that loves to talk down or treat me like I’m invisible.



Published by: The Lonely Shepard

Me: I grew up in an extremely abusive & disadvantaged family environment were both parents were really immature & their relationship messy! I was abducted by my Father at age 8 abused physically, mentally, degraded by his 2nd Wife, and I didn't see my Mother again until 4 years later, I had to risk my neck + my life to run off to seek help with the local police & this was way before there was any such laws on the books for child abuse. Think on that awhile. Had learning disabilities all throughout school by the time I graduated I learned nothing, was prepared for nothing out in the World. Think on that. Joined the United States Army right out of High School only reason I did join was that at the time there was an Army recruiter right on the High School campus & he took an interest in me. So I joined. I was really in over my head. But what else could I do? I lived with a single Mom who was emotionally unstable & I had ZERO support from anyone including the school staff + administrators. The military was hard & degrading to me as a woman but I got out with an honorable discharge. More about me: A series of dead end jobs, my mind was totally a mess after I got out of the Army, still had no support not even from the Veterans admin. My journey has been a total nightmare of: trying to find out about myself, learning about myself, how to live as an adult, all with no help. Now after long , and intensive filled journey I'm trying to get back on track with my life I want to go to school with the hope of one day attending University. I don't wish my journey on anyone. No one gave me guidance: as a child as a teen as a young adult I was all on my own! and it was real lonely , isolating, extremely frightening. Family? don't really have any. Now remember everyone I'm African American & I receive little to no respect I don't even warrant a speeding car that will slow down. "The person who sang the National Anthem sang the last note so high that no could reach it! That was intentional!" Belize from Tony Kushners play Angels In America. If you've read this far I will leave my email in case you want to leave me a msg. Those that are rude will get deleted immediately. Contact:

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