What Is Up With All These Folks Thinking It’s In To Be Bad??

Okay I’ve got a major irritation,

What is up with this trend that its cool to be really bad?

Let me say that it isn’t cool to act bad!  You only show how incredibly ignorant you really are.

So you really want to act all badass huh?  Well since you want to dance with the Devil you will eventually pay

a heavy price.  Go ahead and have your fun acting all bad, breaking rules & what not.  Acting the bad boy or girl

is just so low class, ignorant and in the long run?  If not sooner you will pay some consequences.  I love being the good girl.

And so what if you laugh at me.  Cause I’ll be laughing at you when your dumb ass lands in jail or something worse.  And let me say that all you bad asses think you’ll never pay the price.  Well keep thinking that, but down the road you pay the ultimate price. 

Being nice is COOL, leading a somewhat dull life although not fun & most times is lonely but at least your not running into trouble.  And I wouldn’t have it any other way.    So all you mean, indifferent, I don’t give a F**k people well you just suck! And sometime down the road people will tire of you anyway.  So why not just grow up! 


Monday September 23rd

I’m real bad!  I have no one to give me comfort.  All I’m getting is cold distant treatment.  I don’t deal with being real broke and I budget what little money that I have so at the end of the month, I usually have at least a couple hundred to get whatever groceries, skin care or what ever little things I might need.

What upsets me is that I’m such a nice person but time & time again I run into some real unsavory people, or bigoted folks, or people that have a nasty jealous streak against me just because I have a real class act disposition.  Shit, I should have been born into a prominent family.   Sometimes I wonder if perhaps I was switched at birth.  There seems to be someone who sabotages shit, some sort of underhanded situations.  I’ve met a few so called friends like that.   Now it seems I’m dealing with a landlord that is a total crook, or extremely inept.  Cause anyone can swear up & down that it wasn’t their fault.

Last week I discovered a gift card to a local very over priced steak house that my Mother gave me on my birthday in lieu of actually sitting across the table from her to dine.  So I went down to the restaurant because this place is WAY over priced, predominately Caucasion go there.  So since I had a 50 dollar gift card ( there lowest dinner is like 25 dollars)  I went for the lunch menu its cheaper.

Now another situation.  Since I had a 50 dollar gift card I was told that I had to use it ALL AT ONCE.  So a one time thing.  That is just so stupid!   So I had to order 50 dollars worth of stuff, then all I got to carry the shit in was two cheap liquor store type bags!  So in other words, real cheap bags.  I then had to go back because the staff forgot my water!   I’m thinking if I’m ordering all this damn stuff shouldn’t there be a nice bag with handles so I can carry all this shit?

At those prices I expect it.

Then I’m on a bus & school is out.  The brats load on at least 20+ load on.  Great! 😦

I get home to open one of my food cartons.  I open the one labeled Fish & Chips and end up with some of the toughest fish I ever tasted.  My teeth are slowly eroding…..so when I take a bite out of the fish it is coated  with a sand paper style batter that would scratch the roof of your mouth or to further chip your teeth.  I’m used to the light beer batter fish.  This wasn’t it.  For 7 dollars I expected more.

The cold fries tastes better.  This restaurant is way over estimated plus real snobby.  I felt real uncomfortable waiting in there let me tell you!

What a day!  One good thing at least the woman who works at the Alliance For People With Disabilities a non profit agency was caring & supportive.  Let me say everyone I just don’t get that! 

Ever!  What I usually get is cold, distant, often a apathetic voice on the other end.   And all the while I’m in meltdown mode ready to go on a rampage.   I am capable of being self destructive.  It’s bad.   I feel like I can’t surface from this deep dark black hole I’m in.

I have no love for the landlord, my Mother, and that troll of a Step Father.

I feel like I’m wounded & left out on the side of the road with no one to pull over to offer help.

I need a bunch of prayers.  I’m hurting.


Sunday September 22,

Had trouble getting out of bed today, real depressed.  Feeling like nothing really goes right in my life.  I’m still burning mad at the apartment management.  That whole lost check rent business has me so furious I just want to lash out at somebody anybody, but mostly that kid manager whom I’m sure had something to do with messing things up.   This has got me so depressed, angry and I have no one who can give me comfort.

Earlier today I left to go across town to attend a Church function for the disabled.  I had to leave early.  I passed my landlord we went in opposite directions me going one way her going the other.  Only I really didn’t know it was her, and I was still brewing in my anger.

When I went over to the bus stop, I noticed for the first time that it was the landlord going into her office.  Usually she say hi but she said nothing.  At this point I really don’t care, I’m mad as hell.  You know when you rent you really get screwed if your landlord is inept.

Good news & bad news.  The good news is I did make it out to this function for a church ministry that helps the disabled ones that are in wheelchairs & wheelchairs & brain injuries or other disabilities of the brain so their speech is not so great.

Bad news is I didn’t much like the so called social event.  A meal was served, but OMG it tasted real bad.  I don’t eat meat but in the pasta & meat dish it tasted real funny plus there were olives which I don’t like.  It was pretty bland.  See I travel to the South and the food whether it is the Church or in someone’s home is so tasty with just the right ingredients.

Seattle has the worst tasting food.  I’ve lived here awhile so I know. 

Everyone had to share a table I didn’t like the people who sat at the same table.  There were 3 disabled one blind man, another elderly blind man with no teeth & another young man paralyzed who had to talk via a keyboard.  These folks I liked.  It was the non disabled people that I didn’t much care for.  Here’s why.

One of the men with whom I really didn’t like was a caregiver to the young guy (hard to tell he was balding at the top so I guess he was fairly young) had a caregiver who seemed like a family member.  This guy the family member guy it seemed to me, well he acted like he just couldn’t stand to be there.  No kidding everyone.  He seemed to have barely just beneath the surface some sort of anger or irritation.  I’m very good at ascertaining someone’s demeanor.  Plus the caregiver family member just didn’t want to socialize.  He had this thousand yard stare. 

The only other guy who sat over to my right well he seemed amiable enough but he didn’t want to talk. 

I felt the whole thing not very fun.  Plus it was corny.  I’m not sure if I want to volunteer with this ministry.  Perhaps the volunteering will be different this was just an event.  But I didn’t feel comfortable.  A very frigid atmosphere or perhaps it might have been the table I was sitting at.

After I left I was mad all over again about that rent check that seemed to mysteriously disappeared earlier this month.  I am in the hole for 300 dollars, to make up for the lost check for which I know that wasn’t my fault, I had to empty out my lock box which I had 200 dollars saved for opening a checking account now gone.  And for me 200 dollars is a lot of money.

I had however filed a claim for the lost money order at the post office.

That will take six weeks.

So I now can’t stand the landlord.  I don’t know where to put the check when October rolls around because I sure as hell don’t want to put it in the mail slot.  Ever.

I sense something afoot.  No two ways about it.  Time to contact the Tenants Union.

Now the bus ride back from the Church event.  I was out on the North End of town so predominately White.  I get on the bus, I’m on my cell phone I’m not talking loud but the bus driver a scraggly, mullet wearing White guy when he makes a stop to pick up people he gets out of his chair gives me a very hostile look, I had thought a wheelchair passenger was coming onto the bus so I thought the bus driver was going to tell me to move.    Instead this man is yelling at me to keep my voice down.  Just one thing I wasn’t talking loud.  What I think it is was he just could not stand me.  I’m intelligent & that poses a threat to someone who is not.  I have no idea why he disliked me I did nothing to the man.  But it was clear to me that he was a straight up redneck, he had that look.  Kind of a Hells Angels type of look.

I just don’t understand this backwards town.  I have racial slurs screamed at me, I have my very life threatened, all on a public bus in front of everyone and absolutely nothing gets done about it.  See this is why I need to travel with a buddy.  African American women get harassed a lot by both other African American ( usually men they love to put you down for what ever reason).  I just don’t understand that!

The redneck driver then proceeds to taunt me my guess is so I would strike him.  I’ll bet he wouldn’t have dared to that to some African American brothers.  But I stood up for myself and I told him.  That shut him up.  Clearly his tactic didn’t work.

I wished that I didn’t have to travel alone so much.  It’s when women travel alone that people feel like they can fuck with you.

Not a real great way to spend a Sunday you all.  Really bad food, unfriendly people at an event, then a really boorish bus driver.

I’m getting too old for this shit.

Not expecting tomorrow to be any better.  Barely no money & an early morning meeting with an advisor at a school I will possibly attend.  I hope I can get help, and when I mean help what I mean is step by step help in getting to school.  The whole nine yards.   What may be easy or do-able for you is like for me climbing Mt. Everest.  I’m special needs, mentally ill so everything is a steep uphill climb through this thing we call life.

Do me a favor?  treat me with dignity & don’t ridicule or shame me.

Cause I’ve been through enough punishment my whole LIFE!

I need well wishes, lots of prayers for ME, and encouragement.

Since no one will post a positive reply than what you can do is verbally send them out to me however you pray, chant it must be positive not any of that negative stuff that’s rampant in the World.  I don’t like nor condone that secular stuff. 

Thanks for reading.  Thanks for just paying attention to me in a World that loves to talk down or treat me like I’m invisible.


Trying To Constantly Figure Things Out Gives Me A Headache!

I must figure out a way to handle a landlord tenant dispute as to how to get my rent check to the landlord of my apartment so that it doesn’t mysteriously disappear…no one will help me, so I must contact the Tenants Union Of Washington which thank the lord I just came up with on my own.

See I have no one to help me problem solve.  If I don’t come up with any problem solving solutions than I’m screwed.

Trying to figure out how to apply to school cause I just have no idea how to do that which is why I never went to a post secondary school.  I had no one to help me.  In high school no counselor talked to me….so I end up going from one dead end job to another for years.

Searching for a therapist to help me sort through all this mess that is my life.

Now remember, I’m special needs, I’m a broken mess of a person who has to re-raise myself, get rid of all this toxic poison learned from sick people I grew up with my whole life.

I’m at times with headaches.

Can you imagine if I had kids?  OH LORD!

And this list isn’t all inclusive.  I’m just giving you a sample of what I must do, problem solve on a daily basis where I don’t get a break.  A non stop 24/7 task of what my next move will be.  I always feel so exhausted.

Tomorrow I will try to get to Church.  Oh how I’m not up to going.  Thank goodness its a casual dress code?  I sure hope so. 

I’ve had a horrible week!  Don’t have anyone to run to for comfort that’s for sure.

Stay tuned.  Hopefully all this stuff I have on my plate won’t have an effect on my health