This Goes Out To KW

Hi everyone,

I usually blog about whatever I’m going through in my life both past & present.  It’s a form of therapy until I can get in to see the psychiatrist which is in a couple of weeks.  These guys book up & quick.   It’s why I blog.

However, I’m a bit concerned about a fellow blogger that I used to follow.  

Today I had logged onto a public library pc to kill some time today since I was running errands & I didn’t want to go home.  Avoiding a neighbor that I’m not real comfortable with.  

When I logged into my email I noticed a blog that I had followed that was in my inbox.  I read the blog.   That particular blog really concerned me.   A lot.   I know that I probably have some folks who might not like what I write on here.  Or some folks who don’t like me.  Say what you will everyone, but I do have concern for my fellow woman.   Sometimes the men but mostly the women.

And this particular young woman has me concerned.

My concern?  Is this young ladies drinking & the amounts that she imbibes.

Now I’m the last to judge.  I feel that if you want to take a drink go right ahead.  If your drinking because you need it to go to public places be it the movies or anywhere else outside of a bar or your home then I feel everyone that is not such a good thing.

This young ladies account of her drinking really worried me.  I’ve been around the block some & I’m somewhat older & I see the road that she is headed down.  It doesn’t look good for her.  I hope that I’m wrong.  But I have good instincts, it’s the one thing I have that’s kept me alive & to some extent once I was old enough out of trouble. 

This blog is in no way a lecture, but her blog really had me thinking, I’ll say that much.

Here are some excerpts from what I remember from reading this young ladies blog today.

Her habits on drinking:

Our young lady likes to load up on champagne in one of those Big Gulp cups that one see’s at the 7-11.

She will often take this drink to the local Zoo.  Hmm I feel that this is a terrible idea as there are families with children at the Zoo.   I feel everyone that if you have a “vice”  keep it at home or around appropriate places around other adults like a party, the Club, or at a special occasion were alcohol is served.  Remember even when you don’t realize it, alcohol can be smelled on the breath & it’s a good way to get banned from an establishment where children are in frequent numbers.   I didn’t care to read that.   Although us adults aren’t perfect we must TRY to present a good example when we’re around the youngsters!

This girl is in trouble with her drinking.  This is not a few drinks during cocktail hour drinking its full blown alcoholic drunk drinking.   Again everyone I see it in the few blogs I’ve read from her.  This latest one really had me seeing possible RED FLAGS.   Anyone remember those old Lost In Space episodes & that  robot who said “Danger Will Robinson”  yup!  Danger indeed.

From what I read I see that her prime concentration is dating of which there is nothing wrong with that.  She’s young & that’s what young people do.  However, when further on in her blog the young lady in question had went on a date with someone she liked a lot so far so good I’m thinking, however she mentions that she loaded up on a drink called mimosa’s (I’m not familiar with it) hours prior to her big date. 

Oooh not a good idea!  To offset how much she drank she did eat something unfortunately she chose to eat her food with her date present, the date according to our story teller had already eaten, meaning our story teller was eating in front of her date, the date was not eating.

Don’t know about any of you out there reading but this is a big no no.  A person should never eat something when the other person isn’t eating.  Bad etiquette I don’t know what Miss Manners would say ( Yes Miss Manners is a published book on proper etiquette) but it was what my parents taught me ( Yeah, I learned a few positive things).   Our young storyteller & her date saw a movie then when the two went back over to the dates house…..oh boy!  I swear this is what she wrote, our young lady got sick then vomited at her DATES house!

Back in my drinking days everyone I remember about being that sick.  You usually are real noisy…cause upheaving your guts is not a quiet process.   And I thought that I had embarrassing experiences!

Once she finished our story teller says that she went towards her dates bedroom where apparently the date was asleep ( I really doubt that but that’s what our storyteller said)  If any of you want my two cents, I think that the date was PRETENDING to sleep as she probably didn’t know what else to do poor thing.   I guess the date just wasn’t real assertive.  If it was me I would have put the drunk gal in a cab & sent her along home.   I just couldn’t believe what I was reading. 

Our story teller then mentions something about finding a stable relationship.  I’m sorry to say this but I am a blunt person.  No nice stable minded person would have nothing to do with our young story teller.  Its as simple as that.   Her main occupation is finding a relationship & partying.   Her main priority?  is to love herself.   Have self respect & for God’s sake to quit drinking altogether!

I know what I’m talking about everyone I’m not preaching I was this young girl once upon a time.  And I drank so much I put myself in some precarious spots.   Our young lady if she keeps up this pace (I believe she mentioned she was around 25) she won’t make it to 30 or 40 if she is lucky.   Drinking my friends destroys you from the inside out!  And your at high risk for developing any kind of Cancer too. 

Pancreatic Cancer is one of many.   I felt so incredibly sad everyone once I finished reading her blog.  I chose to no longer follow her blog as well.   When I began to read her blogs I thought that “Well she is young & carefree”  But after her last two blogs & this latest one in particular I just had to unsubscribe from anymore reading.   I won’t mince words my friends & if you don’t agree then that’s your prerogative.  But this woman is on the road to drinking herself to death!  It may not happen today, tomorrow, next month, next year, or perhaps many years but its a matter of when & not if.

I have a Cousin one that I grew up with, name is Bob. 

Bob was such a HANDSOME man!  Whenever Bob came to visit me?  Women would literally stop me on the street asking if her were my boyfriend.   That was how much of a ladies man he was, he didn’t even have to try the women just FLOCKED to him as if out of nowhere.

Unfortunately my friends Bob also had a heavy duty drinking problem since he was 13.   Bob is still alive by the grace of God but he looks nowhere as good as he did back then.   I still look pretty good for my age aside from a few pounds.  But Bob lost all he front teeth his face has aged instead of 44 he looks 64.   He is starting to regain some muscle & he is lean but he is not the same Bob I once knew.   Its sad but at least he is sober & alive.   He got religion which I’m happy.  

I hope that this young woman quits while she can, but from what I read in the last paragraph of her blog it doesn’t seem like she wants to.  She wants to continue having fun.  I’m all for fun but you can have fun without all the drinking!  Remember when all of us were Children?  We had some ingenius ways to have fun.   I grew up without much parental supervision cause Step Mom wanted me out of her sight when I was a child so all day long me & my childhood buddies thought of numerous ways to play pretend & we didn’t have much money to do anything!  No summer camps for us like the rich kids.

The same things we learned when we were children could to some extent be applied as adults we just need not be so self destructive.

We need to face our demons, get better only then will we possibly attract someone healthy into our lives.

Because no person in his or her right mind wants a drunkard for a partner  & those that do are themselves pretty damn undesirable.

This goes out to KW.

Honey you need to slow down, find constructive ways to fill your recreational time.  learn to be a kid again, try to remember a time where booze wasn’t the way to deal with things.   Also until you put the bottle down don’t expect to meet an emotionally healthy happy person to come into your life.   The only ones who might come your way, believe me will just not have your best interest at heart.

KW  I’ll send a prayer your way.  You deserve better.  You want to have more in common with a potential mate other than booze & a good time.   It’s okay to have fun once in a while, however fun is meant as something to have not all the time.  Life is just not like that.  Please get yourself some help.   I strongly suggest it.  I’m a veteran.  I’ve been there, done that.   It will get old.   It will certainly age you & worse.

And most of all KW please stay safe.  I know that I don’t know you but I do know that I care.  Put yourself first, love yourself before considering meeting THE ONE.

You’ll lose everything if things don’t change.

I Hate New Neighbors

I just want to kick myself for not trying to get a house or at least rent one.

There just isn’t any privacy in an apartment.  Your basically living with a bunch of strangers that you don’t know a thing about.  And for what its worth I’d like to keep it that way.

Had a new neighbor move in over the weekend.  Don’t like her already.  And for the most part I am in no way interested in meeting her.  My reason?  I don’t trust her or where she might have came from.  For the most part its been my experience that apartment dwellers are some of the most dysfunctional of people that you’ll ever see.   No wonder folks prefer condo’s or houses.   A house is something I aspire to sometime down in the future that’s for sure!

This new neighbor has been trying too hard in my opinion to try & talk to me.   She is a single female & from what I gather not too stable in the head.   Most single females that live alone are.   Case in point myself.  I have to say that the last thing that I want to do is meet another human being that’s like myself.  I have enough on my hands just re-raising myself!    This new neighbor seems angry, impatient I briefly noticed how she interacted with some of her younger relatives and I wasn’t real pleased with her attitude.

When I get a bad feeling about someone I go with it.  My gut never lies.

On Saturday I went to spend the day over at my Aunt’s house over in a neighboring suburb.  I didn’t return back to my apartment until 7PM.     I walk the path towards my apartment to find the new neighbor standing right in her doorway.   At 7PM.  It’s a cold evening.  Most people shut their door at that hour.   I can’t be sure, but to me this looked a little bit suspect.  

I don’t like to talk to my neighbors.   If you’ve read one of my blogs in my blog archives titled “The Craziest Things That’s Happened”  you’ll understand why.

When I lived out in the South End of Seattle that awful town of Burien I encountered during the 9 miserable years that I resided the MOST horrible cretins that I ever had the misfortune to live near.

There were the obscenities yelled through my door, and believe me they were vile, screamed at the highest octave. 

There was the vomit left on the stairwell that greeted me when I opened my door the following morning.  Actually the stench had preceded it followed by the remaining stench for nearly two weeks!

Then let me not forget the late night couple who had pounded on my door like they were the police waking myself up out of a rare peaceful sleep to say that if I open the door I would be sodomized!   Wow isn’t apartment dwelling great gang?!

So I live in an okay suburb, living next door to yet another disturbed neighbor.

I don’t wish to know her.   But if she harasses me I’ll stand my ground as well as keep my eye on her.   Problem with unstable people or dysfunctional types is that they tend to be really passive aggressive.     I have pretty severe PTSD so at this point in the game I don’t trust anyone unless its someone I knew from way back when like former friends.  Those people I can trust or at least trust enough not to act psycho.   Remember everyone crazy psycho types are everywhere!   Know how I know?   Well just read any of my blogs especially one of many I’ve written called PTSD where I had the misfortune to encounter a crazy, ugly, droopy jowled woman who bombarded with so many racial slurs that to this day Aug 6th 2010 was THE MOST I’d ever been called Nigger ever in my life.   Prior to that date & year I’d usually get called that slur once.

I keep to myself, and I’d like to keep this way until such time when it’s time I make that big move another city.   I haven’t quit that dream!  I hate the Pacific Northwest.   I feel that I’ve lost much of my life here!   I should have never came back here once I left the Army but went elsewhere ANYWHERE.   But as I’ve said I was very emotionally stunted in my early 20’s I was no more an adult than Kermit the Frog wasn’t green.   That’s in the past.   Since I don’t folks I’m real reluctant to TRUST ANYONE.    Don’t have reason to.  

I don’t like new neighbors!   Lets face everyone this is real life & not a TV sitcom where the neighbors are goofy & nice.

You Know What Happens When You Assume?

Here is something I need for all who read to this blog to know:

Please don’t assume anything about me due to my ethnicity.  Please.

Don’t assume I want to attend certain events where there is a strong percentage of people of my ethnicity.  Don’t imply nor suggest.   Take the time to get to know me.   That’s all I want.   I guess what I’m saying is just don’t stereotype me.   I hate that!

Something about me.

I grew up in California.

At one point in my life, I grew up well off, violent & chaotic though it was.

I had many friends from different cultures.

I had friends who were sons & daughters of famous celebrities, professional atheletes.

I grew up in an affluent suburb.   Oh how I miss that to this day!

I grew up attending museums at a young age, being exposed to performing arts of all genre’s

I’m intelligent however due to all of the trauma I suffered that got stunted so severely I’m only now trying to repair the damage.

I played piano.

I listen classical music & nothing else.

I hate rap, hip hop.

I’ve traveled outside the U.S.  twice.

I like other colors not just black 🙂

So I guess the point that I’m trying to make, the same point I made at the beginning of this blog is just LOOK beyond the skin color please!

I don’t like small minded folks.   I find them boring as well as irritating.

Look to the character people, look to the character.

Getting Out Of The House Mixing With People…Harder Than You Think!

Sunday October 20th.

I wake up from a good nights sleep wondering if I’ll give going to a new Church a try.  Just the night before I was once again researching on the Net where would be a good Church preferably one that isn’t too far from me.   My reason is that I’m more than likely to be consistent in attending if I don’t have to go far.   I already had in mind the type of Church I wanted so when I found that all that was left was to actually show up, which I did.

Prior to leaving I was apprehensive.   My past history of being around people wasn’t exactly the best.  Hanging around with people who weren’t exactly good for me which is too say that the people I had associated with were like me not emotionally available these were in my younger years & some later on.  If I piss off someone who knew me way back, well don’t take it personal but its just my acessment looking back many years ago.

I always did crave stable, grounded people preferably people who were settled down family types since I’ve never known that ever in my life.   This in itself has left me real lost in life, despite my best efforts to provide everything I could to do for myself the things that lacked in my life which was pretty much EVERYTHING!   And I mean everything!

So much so, that I feel much like a new born having to be my own Father & Mother re-teaching all I never had shown to me.   An enormous task!   One that’s sending me running to a recommended psychiatrist but more on that later on in another blog.

So I’m at a potential Church which I want to call home, I get there about 40 minutes early.

I walk up to the door to open it, and immediately I see 5 perhaps 6 tables adjacent full of every kind of pastries!  Plus coffee.   So far I’m liking this Church because I’ve never seen anything like this before.  

How am I feeling so far?  Actually not that bad.   I’m a bit shut down emotionally I can’t describe to you my exact mindset because I don’t exactly know.

So I just do what I feel is the next indicated thing, the one foot in front of the other approach.

I go get myself some coffee.

I pick up off the table one pastry.

Then I walk around from outer vestibule to the inner lobby which looks pretty nice.

I walk around to get a lay of the land because that’s all I know what do to,

So far, I like what I see, there are 2 day cares one for the newborn- 2months old, then there is another one children 2-5 yr olds.  

I’m thinking “Wow, at least these kids will have a great beginning in life!  To deal with the large numbers of children I briefly went back in my mind to a time when I was that little, except it was far from stable for me.   No nurturing well what little there was, and I mean it was very little.   The brief times I remember of any nurturing was as brief as the wind.

So little by little I’m getting overwhelmed by all the people.  My self esteem isn’t lacking quite the opposite, however I don’t exactly feel like I fit in either.  

I don’t exactly know just how long I stayed I think that it may have been an hour perhaps a little more when it came to me to that what I needed is to gradually try to get a feel of being around so many people.   The years of living alone, of trying to meet other people & get the cold, distant shoulder, the lack of indifference effected me psychologically.  This has happened over & over again to me over the course of many years.   Kind of takes the the wind out of your sails.   Know what I mean?

So when I came to the conclusion of leaving & come back next week, this decision came about all out of the blue.   Having felt comfortable with my decision I approached the Church greeter to explain about my decision to leave .  I have no idea why I did this, but it seemed the right thing to do at the time.  The greeter was pretty young, she seemed a bit baffled.   No big deal.  

The Church had a food drive with blue grocery bags provided to put the donations in.  I grabbed on to later provide food donation.

This was proving harder than I thought.  I’m kind of in a tough situation.  Not much family.  Mom has expressed some interest in attending with me, but I’m not comfortable with my Mother in social situations because she is just as socially challenged if not more than I am.   Something I don’t really like.  Since our arrival in Washington many years ago all Mom did was date a lot then when her dating life ran out of steam she grew bitter towards life, then with me.   

For me, I want someone who is comfortable in their own skin.   I know that’s what I want because I’ve had some experience of having been around my High School friends who were smart, had a gift of gab, they seemed so sure of themselves, I went to a high school full of self confident types, of course you had your stoners ( A group I didn’t much care for)  Jocks, high achievers, etc.  

I miss that.   Always its been: Jealousy, insecurity with some of the people I’ve encountered but none more prevalent than with my Mother.   She was either depressed, angry, or just sullen.  

Makes me wished that I had a sibling.  I want a set of friends separate from my Mother.  My own set of friends.   My Mother should have her own set.   I’m tired of her having me as her best friend.  I want a Mother, not a best friend.   I want my own life separate from hers.

That’s what I’m building towards for me.   Mom kind of always had a way of trying to horn in on my life.  She is still finding herself at 70 years old.  I’m afraid that I can’t help her with that. 

I feel changes happening for me albeit at a snails pace!  I have goals that I’ve made:

Getting down my Adult Basic Education.

School!

Part time job that doesn’t include doing cashiering!

Meeting new people

Making friends ( that’s probably going to take some time, this is a bit challenging)

Moving out of Washington!  Regardless of whether or not I make friends. 

Out of all of this I want the change of City the most!

Since it’s not possible all I can do is put one foot in front of the other the best way I know (or not know) how. 

I know that there are tons of people who don’t know how to socialize, I’m not alone there.  But for me it was being around nothing but neglect, negative, sick people that has what I feel got me into the rut that I’m in.  

Forming friends in High School was easy for me because I was atheletic, I was still very much an introvert, awkward, kind of geeky but I was lucky enough to meet a bunch of great friends!  I kind of got spoiled as those experiences were the most fun.  I haven’t experienced that since.

I can’t stand being an adult being on my own.  I’m particular, I want more out of life, and I want for everything!  Struggling to get somewhere in life.

It’s the waiting that’s the hardest.

And I’ve waited a very long time for even just a few comforts of life.

I feel that I’ll get there. 

Hopefully.

Wish me luck, cause I’ll need it.

 

The Problem I Had With The Public School System Or Public School Sucks PT 2

This blog is a continuation of the first blog I wrote called Public School…sucks.  You can read it on my blog archives.

If you have the time you’ll need to search for it, as I’ve wrote well over 200 blogs since April of this year.  I mean if you want to & have some time.

Tonight I’m home grateful I have my home internet.  It’s the only thing that keeps me company living alone as I don’t have much.

Anyway I’m home watching a nature show feeling alright, however one of the issues that seem to surface for me which I’m glad to say isn’t the abuse issues…..is the issue I have of my experience with both the Los Angeles Unified School District which I attended from K- some of my 7th grade year at the Middle school in L.A. as I was reunited with my Mother after a long 4 year separation only then some 4 weeks later to flee to Washington State to escape Mom’s ex psycho Husband.  Real bad.

During all of my years of attending various public schools I seem to fall further behind yet I kept being promoted up a grade not learning nearly enough in the previous one.   Basically public school is no better than a warehouse where it seemed that the Teachers no more cared about what students learned than someone watching the paint dry.   It’s true.

I had such trouble with school.  In addition I had trauma both suffered at the hands of school teacher & so called Parents who were supposed to teach me how to develop into a confidant young girl who would later grow into a confidant young woman.  Well it didn’t happen yes my Parents sucked.  You may not agree with me when I say to a certain extent…okay all of the extent I do blame them because in my opinion you don’t need to be terribly educated just BE THERE & encourage the child saying to them that they can be anything that they want to be whether it be a Doctor, lawyer, or whatever.   If the Parent can’t help with children’s education get someone who will.

Hey, its that simple.  Parents take my advice, children need you!  They won’t make it otherwise.  I speak from years of experience.

When I attended school I basically occupied a desk everyday nothing more.  The Teachers would drone on about whatever lesson they were teaching for the day, and I just didn’t understand anything that they said.  Teachers might as well have been speaking in Russian for all that it matter. 

Education is supposed to prepare you for the future….right?   Only prepared me for a lifetime of pain, humiliation, poor decisions, poor self esteem…oh & those horrible jobs with those ignorant bosses who disrespected me at every single turn no matter how nice, positive I was.

Worrying about my Mother who I was forcibly separated from by the courts thanks to the workings of a Father seeking revenge & his scheming remarried Wife.   I learned at an early age just how unfair life can be.  I nearly lost my Mother to suicide. 

I felt so dead inside I just needed someone, anyone who could reach me, but that just didn’t happen basically I was just a faceless kid.  I had no one to reach out to.   At 9 years old I just didn’t know how to go on. 

Teachers I feel need to do more to help out children.   I realize that Teachers don’t make very much especially in a school with a high rate of African American & Hispanic but hey, we matter too & aren’t our futures worth it?  Where is the help for us?  Children of color deserve the same quality education & whatever help just like the affluent children.   We can’t do for ourselves.  I sure couldn’t.

The Public school system is plain awful!  The Presidents of past & present sure don’t give a damn.   Not much was thought of me when I was in school.  I was called stupid, ignored, I remember that classes were so overcrowded that the Teachers had paired up the students in class the one I was in to tutor the other kids who had trouble with reading.   Can you believe it?  Here I was struggling as it was with my own academics anemic as it was, and I’m supposed to do the Teachers job of insuring that my classmates can read.  But that’s what happened.

We kids were paired up with another kid who had trouble with reading.

Reading was the one thing I did do well but the last thing I wanted to do was help another kid learn how to read, I just wasn’t equipped to do that, it was the Teachers job to figure that out.  Plus the kid I was paired up with was a complete idiot who had no interest in learning to read as he was tormenting & abusing me.  Hated that kid.   This school was Wilshire Crest in Los Angeles.  For Parents who read this don’t send your kids there.   I’ve heard that it hasn’t changed all that much.   My half sister was taken out of that school by her Mother my Fathers 5th Wife & placed her into a private school.  She is now finishing up Med school.  I’m happy for her that she got out of that Dickensian school of hard knocks & minimal to no education.   Wow!

I also wasn’t getting nearly enough to eat at home.  My Fathers 2nd Wife kept me fed with celery sticks, apple butter sandwiches & water Campbell soup.  I would eat the food but was always really hungry.  I survived by scavenging in the schools garbage usually the top part eating a half eaten sandwich.   Making learning in school nearly impossible because I was always hungry….breakfast = minimal, lunch = minimal, dinner =  barely enough to keep my stomach from growling.  And we weren’t poor either.   It was an abuse tactic. 

One positive about me losing so much weight that I was too weak most times was that the toughest bullies on the school yard would take pity on me & never bother me.   One told me that I wasn’t worth it I was too skinny, and told me to eat something before he stalked off to torment his next victim.   Well I was lucky.

With school I continued to fall behind especially in Math that the Teachers solution was to have me work out of a math book that was from a previous grade.  For example when I was in 3rd grade I was told to work out of a 2nd grade book.  I don’t remember if that fixed the problem but I was humiliated & no extra help was provided, which was what I needed.   Everyone has potential to be an excellent student.  I feel that too many children poor & minority are written off as losers in the school system.  That goes for the poor White children as well.

What I’ve learned is that this is done intentionally by the powerful people who have lots of money.  Read Savage Inequalities by Jonathon Kozol.  His book is about the poorer schools in the Bronx, but its a problem all over the U.S.   Public schools underserve the children that need it the most.   Voting doesn’t seem to put a fire under the Public school system’s ass.    Too much bureaucratic bullshit. 

That’s why Parents need to be 100% proactive in their children’s education.  Rich, poor, doesn’t matter don’t let money deter you Parents from insuring your children get that quality education.   My Father didn’t do squat, step Mom didn’t care, and Mom didn’t know cause she wasn’t allowed to see me.  I was screwed!

I had paid a horrible cost.   Most of my adult life gone, and I’m trying to get into College starting all over again from the very beginning.

Adult Basic Education were I must learn grammar even though I am a good writer ( I scored low on a college Compass test)  Math ( at the time of my high school graduation I was barely at a sixth grade level)  Which I need to take so I can get my entrance test scores up. 

I must take ABE totally separate from any Community College class because its way cheaper.   Once I complete the ABE courses I must re take the Compass test to get into school so I can hopefully be placed into pre-algebra, Biology, English 101.   So I have to re-work at getting back to a high school level what I should have had when I donned that stupid cap & gown. 

My diploma isn’t worth the paper its printed on.  And 4 years after I graduated H.S. I ripped it up. 

I’ve carried this issue around for years.  I can only begin to repair the damage now, but I must tell you this has caused me such pain, torment, and psychologically left me confused as to my own intelligence.

Parents take heed what goes on with your kids in the classroom.  Neglect is a dangerous thing for the kids attending school. 

Education, absolutely priceless.

 

Remember that a mind is a terrible thing to waste

The Ross Department Store Experiance

Sunday October 12, 2013

 

Sunday a day to get out maybe to do some shopping, take the kids (if I had any) to the park or movies, visit your family.  I don’t really have those options except one which is the shopping.   Oh Man!  two words not fun!  Root canal would have been preferable.

I first went to the Bellevue Goodwill.  Big mistake.  The shoppers there were acting as though it were the Christmas shopping season.  Usually one may get lucky & pick up something real nice, you never know.  However on this day it was shit.  Not only that but it was just unbearable to be around those people.  See everyone this is why I hate shopping!    I was out of there!  I like Goodwill, but the key is to get there early!  However everyone have you ever experienced waiting for the Goodwill store to open?  It’s a lot like horses out of the starting gate at the race track!  So undignified! 

After I ran out of Goodwill much flustered, I then walked down the street to the Ross discount store.

Now for my friends who live outside the U.S.  Ross is a discount store with new clothes but slightly irregular.  

The selection of clothes were not great today everyone!  I’m selective & I have pretty good fashion sense when it comes to clothes.  Like I’ve said when going to these types of stores you just have to catch them on the right kind of day.

The men’s clothes were just atrocious, not even anything that looked basically okay.  

So I decided to try the women’s section.   Although I’m losing weight I really couldn’t find something to fit but that doesn’t stop me from at least trying.   Based on a movie I saw with Anne Hathaway in the movie “The Devil Wears Prada”  I found a pair of black pants that looked pretty good.   I also found some nice pants made out of what I think was worsted material.

I made my way over to the fitting room.  Once there I was met by a woman.   She gave me a ticket with a number 2 on it to note that I was trying on 2 items.

After I tried on both pants which at I could at least get up over my body (Yaay) they were still too snug & just didn’t look right.  I put the pants back on the hanger then came out to were the outer area of the fitting area were the lady was standing behind a desk.  

Here is what happened:

I saw a clothes rack over on the far end on the wall, I went to put the pants over on the rack.   “Excuse Me”  the fitting room lady said in a tone that made me jump.   It was a tone that said & real harshly: “What are you doing”?  I had thought I was in trouble or something.   I’m an adult survivor of abuse & abuse suffered as an adult. 

Fitting Room lady said that I was to give her the two pants.   I didn’t know.   Usually the few times I do go shopping there even isn’t any anyone to take your clothes let alone give you at ticket.

So I go back out onto the sales floor to look around for something.  I’m trying real hard to give myself an appearance makeover.  When at my best I clean up real well!  I spotted a real nice looking women’s with gold buttons.  Out of my price range but what the hell I went to try it on anyway.

I go back to the same fitting room I had tried the pants on.  

Fitting room lady was now irate with me.   Why?

I simply forgot to turn in my previous fitting room ticket!   God forbid I should forget to turn in my damn fitting room ticket better call the fitting room police 😦

I go back to the room I was in to try on the pants, found the ticket, turned it in to fitting room lady.

I try on the jacket, I could get it on me, as well as button it up no small feat as I’ve told you I’ve lost weight.  However, the coat was binding at the shoulders.  I have broad shoulders.  

I bring the coat back out with the ticket were I am then met by a loss prevention guy dressed like a cop but wasn’t.

The loss prevention guy is asking me what I did with the 2 pairs of pants I had tried on earlier.

I immediately get mad.

“I don’t know” I said, “I guess I put it out on the rack”   I was starting to go into a panic attack with my anger rising faster than a lava inside a volcanic mountain.

And so it went back & forth, until I stepped back from the argument & traced my steps in my mind.    I walked over to were fitting room girl had the other clothes rack looked over at the very sloppy clothes rack she had.   Her rack looked like shit!  then found the damn pants I was accused of taking.

“oh said the fitting room girl”  I forgot.

So you bring in the loss prevention Nazi cop, humiliate me, and you don’t even say sorry?

I need to stop everyone, I’m getting mad. 

But my one question is this:

Why in the fuck are African Americans always targeted in clothes stores?  

I now refuse to go into any store unless accompanied by my Mother, or my Aunt.

Ross discount chain can go to Hell!