Wednesday October 9th

When living alone with no friends everyday is a challenge.

When your poor living in the Pacific Northwest with no friends then Mt. Everest would be a lot easier to scale than living day to day here.

When you have no where to go, than it’s just pure HELL!    Your just plain stuck trying to figure out what the hell to do with the minimal resources you have.  Remember I’ve got zero family support.  A mentally ill Mother, Dad is deceased, step siblings that for the most part fare much worse than myself.   No one has the time for you.  And I really hate that my life seems to have come to this.  But I lacked the tools, was emotionally stunted for MANY YEARS, had no one give me guidance, no one wanted to make time, and this was in the formative years from elementary school all through my teens and in those early adult years when help sure would have been crucial.  

So to some of those folks that met me in later life relax I’m not referring to you.  Okay?   Cause by that time I was really emotionally messed up.   Neglect is an underrated thing.

These last two days were the most productive I’ve ever been and it felt great.   I’ve been stuck in a rut with no one to help pull me out of it.  It’s easy to judge someone who is in that type of situation.  But believe me, it can happen to anyone who lacks the proper support system.   No one can do it alone.   Trust me on that one.  If you have any snide comments on what I’ve just typed then keep it to yourself.  You obviously don’t know a damn thing.

With the first two days that went okay, I was invited over to my Aunts house over in Mercer Island for a visit, we dined on sandwiches from McDonalds and let me tell you for me that was huge deal for me.   I don’t really get to do anything!  I stay home ALOT with no one to do anything with.  My Mom stays home, watches TV, and complains about her chronic pain despite my best efforts to help her to take care of herself.  I research a lot of information, but unless a person gets off their butt to do anything….well my help is useless.

I sure didn’t have that when I started out as an adult in fact for many years prior to & entering my adult years.   I felt like Oliver Twist.

But, my good week came to a halt today.   Here is what happened:

After those first two days of being busy, I sure didn’t want to stay around my apartment.  I always crave something to do.  So I packed up my laptop then went to the library to connect up on the libraries wireless system.  A total Godsend when your home internet is shut off.

The internet is a life saver for me, what with the constant lonliness I face & am try real hard to fix.

I sit at the table to get connected up.   In the process of doing this, my cell phone which I always put on vibrate cause it has that loud outdated ringtone that I remember from growing up.   It was my Aunt telling me that she sure did enjoy me coming over.   Another huge deal with me as I never get to go over anyones house not even my own Mothers (which I don’t like due to the crazy Husband).

I kept me voice low, I was already set up on my laptop so I just didn’t feel like going through the whole ordeal of:

Signing off on my laptop

Unplugging my laptop to put it away in my back pack

And leaving it on the table while I step away sure as hell wasn’t an option for obvious reasons everyone.

So I kept my voice low.   Trust me when I say I have great manners, I’m considerate which is more than what I can say for the good majority of folks I’ve met over the years. 

Then a homeless looking man who seemed to have several layers of clothing turns around & in a hostile way of speaking that was totally disrespectful says:  “Well you keep your voice down”.

Now the library has a lax policy on cell phones, however I did keep my voice down.  

I suspect that the homeless man had been in what seemed like a bad mood.  Understandably, because with how harsh their lives are a mouse could fart & that would make them irate.

So we went back & forth with the I did not, you did too.    I have a thing, and that is I like standing up for myself.   Something I learned when I had all those racial slurs screamed at me a few years back & I was in such a shock that I could not say anything back at all.

I do get caught off guard sometimes.   Over the years people have been hurling insults & racial slurs left, right, and sideways since the 80’s usually by other women.   The worst was of course the hate crime of 3 years ago.

So the librarian comes over she was sweet, she comes over to act as mediator but we’re still going back & forth.

Then this guy says to me:

Will you quit playing the Negro race card”

I was livid. 

Because with that statement that homeless guy said told me everything that I needed to know about him.  I said nothing about race.  I have my suppositions but I’ll keep them to myself.

I replied to him “Don’t you ever say that to me again”  “Ever”  

Saying “Negro”  isn’t nearly as bad as being called “Nigger”   and thank God he didn’t utter that racial slur otherwise a chair might have found its way sailing through the air.    But I needed to check this White man.   I may be low on the status pole for now, but goddammit you treat me with the dignity in which I deserve.  Been through lots of punishment in my lifetime, which has took its toll on me. 

I feel that a simple polite request no much of an octave I may have been speaking (which wasn’t loud) would have went a long way.

On my next visit to this particular branch I will take a different entrance & set up my pc as far away as I can from any other patrons.

I do feel bad for homeless man.  I was homeless for a brief time, it isn’t fun.  Your without a place to stay carrying all of your belongings everywhere you go.   Hey if you don’t carry everything brothers & sisters you get your shit taken!  Worst feeling in the World!

I know.  

You have no where to take a bath.  Staying in a shelter is horrible!  Just no dignity there.  Most homeless prefer to sleep outside.  Can’t say I blame them.

Everyone is edgy these days.  Even though I have a place to stay, I’m on Section 8, live in a nice suburb thanks to Section 8, I am stressed & not a happy camper most days.    Because I’ve been dealing with health issues, mental illness, loneliness, lack of support from the Mother who one day she seems concerned, the next she seems totally ambivalent.   Been that way since we got reunited when I was 12, then when we moved to Washington and its been a real bumpy , inconsistent ride since 😦

Been trying to apply, then search for volunteer positions.  I’m mostly interested in volunteering to help the homeless.  I always like helping other people that no one else wants.

Do you want to know why?

Because all my life from a kid through my early years as an adult no one wanted to be bothered with me.

However I’m not interested in Social Work.

Want to be a Marine Biologist instead.  I want to see beauty, colors, and be around awesome people for once in my life.

And I’m going to have that by God!

 

 

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Published by: The Lonely Shepard

Me: I grew up in an extremely abusive & disadvantaged family environment were both parents were really immature & their relationship messy! I was abducted by my Father at age 8 abused physically, mentally, degraded by his 2nd Wife, and I didn't see my Mother again until 4 years later, I had to risk my neck + my life to run off to seek help with the local police & this was way before there was any such laws on the books for child abuse. Think on that awhile. Had learning disabilities all throughout school by the time I graduated I learned nothing, was prepared for nothing out in the World. Think on that. Joined the United States Army right out of High School only reason I did join was that at the time there was an Army recruiter right on the High School campus & he took an interest in me. So I joined. I was really in over my head. But what else could I do? I lived with a single Mom who was emotionally unstable & I had ZERO support from anyone including the school staff + administrators. The military was hard & degrading to me as a woman but I got out with an honorable discharge. More about me: A series of dead end jobs, my mind was totally a mess after I got out of the Army, still had no support not even from the Veterans admin. My journey has been a total nightmare of: trying to find out about myself, learning about myself, how to live as an adult, all with no help. Now after long , and intensive filled journey I'm trying to get back on track with my life I want to go to school with the hope of one day attending University. I don't wish my journey on anyone. No one gave me guidance: as a child as a teen as a young adult I was all on my own! and it was real lonely , isolating, extremely frightening. Family? don't really have any. Now remember everyone I'm African American & I receive little to no respect I don't even warrant a speeding car that will slow down. "The person who sang the National Anthem sang the last note so high that no could reach it! That was intentional!" Belize from Tony Kushners play Angels In America.

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