I’M Back Anyone Miss Me?

I’m back.
It’s now 2014 and I’m at work harder than ever on rebuilding ME! It’s not easy let me tell you. Cause the only support I have is my psychiatrist Dr. Tom Carter a truly wonderful man who up until now has been the only human being that has given me any validation on the HELL I went through from age 3. I’m a survivor of severe childhood abuse which I don’t mind telling you I’m on the road to recovery a little at a time. What I told Dr. Carter in session today is that the adults who raised me took seconds to nearly destroy my life in the few short years of my childhood & now its taken me practically MY WHOLE LIFE to recover from it.
Lately though, I’ve been thinking to myself as I so often do of ways to protect myself especially from the constant stream of BIGOTRY!
Because I’m just way tired of “taking it on the chin” as the British sometimes say. What I mean are constant shaming remarks, sarcasm, ridicule, or pot shots aimed at tearing me down.
I’ve decided that from here on out NO MORE!
I’ll not tolerate another insult or disparaging remarks made toward me.
Now thats not to say that mild teasing won’t be tolerated…but that is only if I know you well.
I deserve to be treated with the fullest respect! and nothing less.
With that said, I’m at the library today. I’ve been without the use of my laptop for quite sometime. It needs to be cleaned, I haven’t the money to do that so here I am using the local public library to type out how I feel. It’s a whole lot easier that writing this as my hands tend to cramp!
2014 seems so far a little bit easier…sort of. I’m setting my boundaries, steering clear of any toxic, needy people.
I will be standing up for myself a whole lot more so if some people think that they can throw hurtful remarks my way WATCH OUT! I’ll do my best to ignore them but let me just say I give back as good as I get.
I like myself a little bit more now, but I do struggle with the loneliness. I still have difficulty meeting the right kind of friends ones that aren’t all screwed up in the head, have some things in common with me, and who like me FOR ME, and not what THEY THINK I SHOULD BE.
Also I want friends who look at whats on my insides not on the outside I’m not bad looking but I’m always stereotyped by my ethnicity & the thing that bothers me is this seems to be all done behind my back no one it seems even bothers to JUST TALK TO ME & get to know the REAL ME thats on the inside!
And that is what really gets to me.
Tomorrow I began my classes for the quarter & I’m excited.
Want to know why? Because for the first time in my life I’ll be attending school in a supportive environment.
That just has never been the case for me EVER!
As school tended toward the nightmarish side with abuse coming from other students as well as those teachers, school admin.
And after much thought, changing my mind on what I’ll take after I’ve completed my Adult Basic Education I’ve decided on Art & Foreign language for my first two years. I want to learn French since one day in the future I want to live in Canada & french is what the Canadians in most of the regions speak. I hope to live there someday.
My Junior & Senior year I plan on attending Johnson & Wales University either in Denver Colorado or Providence Rhode Island.
J.W.U. has campuses In Devnver, RI, N. Carolina, and in Miami Florida.
I also want to study abroad during my Junior year. France is my first choice.
My therapist says I’m amazing which really makes me feel real good about myself because I feel that I am. I’ve suffered much & deserve all the good things that life has to offer & then some.
I feel that its about time!
Look for more blogs from me I must go.
Until next time.


Published by: The Lonely Shepard

Me: I grew up in an extremely abusive & disadvantaged family environment were both parents were really immature & their relationship messy! I was abducted by my Father at age 8 abused physically, mentally, degraded by his 2nd Wife, and I didn't see my Mother again until 4 years later, I had to risk my neck + my life to run off to seek help with the local police & this was way before there was any such laws on the books for child abuse. Think on that awhile. Had learning disabilities all throughout school by the time I graduated I learned nothing, was prepared for nothing out in the World. Think on that. Joined the United States Army right out of High School only reason I did join was that at the time there was an Army recruiter right on the High School campus & he took an interest in me. So I joined. I was really in over my head. But what else could I do? I lived with a single Mom who was emotionally unstable & I had ZERO support from anyone including the school staff + administrators. The military was hard & degrading to me as a woman but I got out with an honorable discharge. More about me: A series of dead end jobs, my mind was totally a mess after I got out of the Army, still had no support not even from the Veterans admin. My journey has been a total nightmare of: trying to find out about myself, learning about myself, how to live as an adult, all with no help. Now after long , and intensive filled journey I'm trying to get back on track with my life I want to go to school with the hope of one day attending University. I don't wish my journey on anyone. No one gave me guidance: as a child as a teen as a young adult I was all on my own! and it was real lonely , isolating, extremely frightening. Family? don't really have any. Now remember everyone I'm African American & I receive little to no respect I don't even warrant a speeding car that will slow down. "The person who sang the National Anthem sang the last note so high that no could reach it! That was intentional!" Belize from Tony Kushners play Angels In America.

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