Men, what is wrong with some of You?

I’ll admit that there are probably some good men out there that respect women.    I just have never, ever experienced any of these kinds.    It’s sad.   All of my life, men have treated me BAD!  I grew up watching my own Mother get knocked around you name she got it everyone.    

Here is what makes my blood boil!    Some of you men that weren’t raised right to respect a woman?  I’ve got my own little message for you right here on this blog.    Please start giving ALL women the respect that they deserve!   All women.  

When your driving down the street in your car or SUV & you see a woman standing at a bus stop alone?  Guess what Cro Magnon?   It does not mean she is a hooker!  Okay?  

I’m at a bus stop, its Sunday morning, I’m wearing those baggy jeans that are faded along the length of the legs, I’ve got two of those cloth shopping bags plus I’m reading a Seattle Weekly all while waiting for a bus.   Now let me ask you men, just what part of this scenario means pull your car over I would want sex?   Is that what most of you think of us women, all because we don’t have a man by our side? OMG!  Why is it you treat women like they are garbage?   Is that what all your Fathers taught you?   Also some of you men that have this perverted sickness I need to bring home another message.

Just because you see an African American woman by herself waiting like I was at a bus stop……are you paying attention?

Does not mean THAT I AM A HOOKER!   Guess what MAN?   Hey!  I’m actually waiting for a bus!   And you know there are other places to go for that kind of thing.    Not that I’m encouraging you either, because as far as I’m concerned some of you men need some REAL MENTAL HEALTH treatment for that sex addiction!   You also need the help of Jesus Christ! 

This is the main reason that I will be taking martial arts, purchasing a weapon (I already possess a weapons permit for the state I live in) and whatever else I can think of to keep the likes of you men away from me.    What you are , are misogynists!

Women are NOT to be sexually objectified by you!  We are NOT whores!  We women are human beings with feelings who need to be treated with the utmost of respect.   Something some of you men out there are too stupid, ignorant, or brain dead to understand.    Women are equal to you.  Do not treat us like sex objects.   Trust me I won’t be shy to tell you.

Jealousy At The Womens Shelter

Friday May 23, 2014

I’m at a local library at a neighboring suburb today.

So, let me tell you about life at the women’s shelter.   Like just about anywhere else when your living with a bunch of women there will always be some you get along with, some you don’t, some you just can’t stand, or some that you just can’t stand & avoid at all costs.   Yup, this happens everyone no matter who you are.   Because all of us women come from very different backgrounds, nearly all of us come from a background of SEVERE abuse either domestic or childhood.   Then a small percentage suffered what I term “a natural disaster trauma”  like the one lady, who lost her house in a fire.   Hope to Jesus she had insurance or something.    That last one I mentioned is real bad.   I think this particular lady copes with humor & medication.  She seems to be taking everything in stride, but then again you just never know what is going on inside the head.

For me it hasn’t been easy either.   There are at least 2 that I just don’t like.   One is an older woman petite, White, however she is the resident from Hell & somewhat of a control freak!  As an adult survivor of childhood abuse?  This particular one freaks me the hell out!    I will give you all out there an example:

So I’m sitting at one of the computer stations that the shelter has (donated by the local Rotary Club) I’m searching for housing which isn’t easy since there is a real tight affordable housing crunch going on these days.

I had a list that was on some paper listing some affordable housing addresses along with their websites.   I’m in the habit of going to kiosks at where I may be & grabbing any & all information on where to go for affordable housing.   I pick up so much information that more often than not I just don’t remember where I got which piece of info from where.

I had such a list propped up on one side of the computer.

The fellow resident a woman looks over my shoulder (something which I really hate) and says in a very accusing tone the following:

“Where’d you get that from?”  (referring to the list I had propped up on one side of the computer)  I’m thinking “What a nosy little bitch she is”   this was what I was thinking.   What I actually said was: “I don’t remember where I got this paper from”  which was true.     Then this woman says:  “Well no one gave me that kind of list”

This made me angry, and I’ll tell you why everyone.

First of all no one GAVE ME ANYTHING!  I keep my eyes & ears open for information that will help me along in getting the housing that I need.   And as I’m typing this I think I am remembering where I got the list from, but what does that matter.   I’m just sick & tired of controlling people & their damn accusatory statements.  

So what would be the solution?

Go & talk with staff to send out a sort of blanket statement about minding ones own business.


Keep more to my damn self!  Which means spending a whole lot less time in the commons area which is an area where the residents dine & where the computer stations are located.  

Spend more time at my cubicle which is where I also sleep, listening to my music, reading, and once my laptop is fixed watching a DVD.

Also I need to start coming back to the shelter a little later (the curfew there is 10:30PM) 

I mean really!  Since when is it okay to police what I do? especially when all I’m doing is trying to figure out where the hell to stay, where I can live in PEACE!

My Mother who has been a great big support to me told me that these women are jealous of just about everything & that they will nit pick, they are unhappy (well so am I to some extent, you don’t see me whining)  I have no time to deal with “others stuff”   Cause I have enough of my own thank you very much!

This other woman is pure diva!  She is impatient, doesn’t like doing chores, and intentionally leaves things undone.   Perfect example was this morning when she left the compost sliding door open ALL THE WAY!  and stomped off back to the dorm claiming that she forgot where the compost bags were (that’s her chore).   She has a temper & expects everyone to PAY ATTENTION TO HER!   And when you don’t she gets mad.   I’ve seen it.   Yet she makes no effort at sitting down at the table to talk to  anyone,  then she just doesn’t have ANYTHING to talk about.   She is all silliness & worse a compulsive liar.   So guess what?  I avoid her all together because to me she’s trouble.   I go to great lengths to keep my distance from her.   I don’t have time for that!

Looks like in staying here I got MORE than what I bargained for in that I’m around other women’s constant negative energy!

I think I’ll be eating out tonight.   

Tune in for more of this damn soap opera you all!  What a person has to go through when they don’t have money & they need a place to stay!

I Don’t Like Gay Pride

I don’t like gay pride.

The reasons why is because its been my experience as a gay woman of more than 3 decades

that the people in the community are pretty selfish, cold, and bigoted.   I’ve experienced them all.

 More often than not gay women in particular just aren’t the warmest people in the World!  I’ve met several & I’m a warm,caring, sensitive woman who needs warm, sensitive, caring women to reciprocate not ones who have all the feeling of icebergs or worse the good majority of women I’ve met have been so selfish & mean, dating all the way back to the 80’s when I came out that now I really don’t like women all that much today.   If hooking up or meeting someone means that I have to go through that bullshit then I’ll stay single & get a dog thank you very much.     It just isn’t worth it for me.  

I’m at a point in my life where I am developing some good self esteem.   To get to where I’m at it took MANY LONG ARDUOUS years of inner pain, of being told that I was stupid, ugly,and worse physically abused to the point where I thought I would never recover.   So that I place my self respect above anything else.   I will not tolerate disrespect, nor demeaning remarks, or become someones verbal abusive whipping post.    Whatever happened to a kind word?   Instead some people just get off on kicking sand in your face?    I’m sorry I just don’t get the overall mindset of today.   

It’s just plain inhuman.    Pride is somewhat tacky I feel that it doesn’t properly reflect the community as a whole then there is the whole phony untruth that “We Are Family”  & “Unity”  is all a bunch of crock!  Try vicious gossip, betrayal, backstabbing, scheming, of being alienated then don’t forget a good dose of overall mean spiritness nature would more likely paint an accurate picture in navigating life as a gay woman of color. Oh and of course there is that racism! Some of the women still have that mindset straight out of the 1950’s. Its sad but true.   The community has a long way to go on how they treat each other.   I’m mostly referring to the women.   I’ve encountered some really nice gay men who were so awesome.

Can’t really say the same for the women.   Alot of them are so unhappy & deal with so much low self esteem that it often gets projected outward.     For me being gay has just not been at all!    It sucks!   No one cares about one another, too many are just plain selfish, just try going up to a gay women & talking to her.    She won’t.   

I’m all into learning a trade, working somewhere fabulous like Hawaii, get a home of some kind and a dog,

Then I’m all good.     My Mother, myself, then my goals are all that matter.

People just simply give me burnout!

Life In The Womens Shelter

I am homeless & living in a womens only private non profit shelter the name is confidential.

I am homeless & living in a womens shelter located in an affluent suburb here in Washington State.

I live among 21 other women.   Now thats a challenge everyone!  I manage to get along with just about all but 2 or 3 women here.    Not bad for a person who suffers from mental illness among other challenges.   I seem to be managing quite well all considered.    I keep my faith in God, I try real hard to be thankful for what I HAVE!  Thats key everyone.   I tend to suffer from severe lonliness which tends to really get to me, I’ve been single an awfully long time but however I’m better at taking a spiritual approach to it.    That helps, then looking inward which this one has taken me so many years to get a handle on.  Because I never learned how to look inward or have good self esteem.

Let me put it another way.   For me its like gettting stuck on a math problem & it just carries over year after year after year.  Without anyone else telling me how I’m acting you do tend to stay stuck & not anything.   Thats just me.   Perhaps in another blog I will be able to explain it better.   For now this is the best I can do.

Living in a womens shelter you really need to be on your p’s & q’s.    Play well with others, respect one another.   It sort of feels like being back in kindergarden except its adults.   We all have hurts, we are all vulnerable.   Some of us cope in different ways.   I use humor.    I work like a maniac to find that housing, get going to enroll in trade school,  yet I try not to sweat it & freak out.    So what I do is I just don’t take myself too seriously & have a sense of humor.

Here are some downsides to living here. 

The women snore just as loud as the men.  Sometimes I get startled when I’m in my cubicle it gets so loud.

The food is donated which I appreciate but sometimes we get leftovers & lets just say that I have to bust out the Alka Seltzer tabs from time to time.

The drama!  And I don’t mean on the TNT cable network channel.  Men you understand, women no explanation needed here!

This all that I’m experiancing everyone who is reading can be a real emotional experiance…..meaning I have cried a few times while on my bed.

Well its time for my shower.    Plus I need to get to bed I’m tired.  Living in a shelter is physically draining.   Makes you tired.

Peace out!

Too Much That It Really Overwhelms My Brain

TV with over 500 channels & a comperturized menu.

A far cry from when I was a kid & you could count the channels on your TV on both

hands.   Yes I’ve been around a very long time & you just wouldn’t know it by looking at me.   I feel blessed on that front.   But I sure do get overwhelmed with all of the technology.   I mean its great, however when I was growing up our biggest entertainment was either playing football in the street or hide & seek until well past dark on the streets of Los Angeles.   I sure wouldn’t trade that for this video game crazed generation, for me all that seems so fake.   In fact I hate video games.   I don’t like computer games.   I like to read, watch quality DVDs i.e. foreign films, independant, certain tv shows like Leverage, The Equalizer (tv show from the ’80’s), old westerns, and tv sitcoms from the 70’s & 80’s.   I don’t like alot of the stuff that passes for tv shows these days.    

Although I’m pretty smart I like stuff kept simple.   I’m the same with what I want in a car, an apartment.   I really don’t have any interest in keeping up with the latest anything.   And I want to keep that way too.   

I do like the website YouTube a site I visit daily to listen to alot of retro music from the 90’s.   That site is a life saver & I’m so grateful to the people who post the music on that site.   It helps me to hang in their when day to day life kicks me in the ass!   But you know?  I still keep my sense of humor.   I think that alot of people are praying for me, I say that because my mental illness hasn’t been rearing its ugly head  & I’ve been keeping a positive, upbeat attitude….mixed in with some wisecracks here & there & I seem to being doing alright.   One thing I can say I feel better in my own skin.   

This is something I really didn’t have in previous years.   For many years I was in such a miserable state.  Now I seem okay although I don’t have much I strive to get what I want in life which is mainly a place to live.  I don’t have much of an interest in a relationship unless its friendship & a platonic one.   Cause thats all I can handle right now.  Mentally & emotionally I’m kind of at the age of about 22 or 24 years old.   I’m much older than that but for many years I was emotionally stunted.   That comes from not getting what you needed when you were growing up as a child.   What I got instead were: neglect, abuse both mental & verbal.   I know that its up to me to get my own life on track, all of those negatives kind of took its toll on me emotionally & I still haven’t really healed from all of that.   I hope to be able to write you a different scenario one of these days.   I have a feeling that I will.   But I have to tell you I am not too crazy about all of the fast paced, technology fueled things going on.   It’s just too overwhelming.

I’m better suited sittting on a beautiful island somewhere in Thailand taking in some sand & sun, just living inside a hut & living off the land.   I hope to do that some day.

The Daily Challenges

Monday May 12, 2014

Today was one of those rare Pacific Northwest days.  And by that I mean that the SUN was out!  It was actually 80 degrees my kind of weather!  It’s during this time of year everyone that I am consumed with one thing on my mind.   Romance.   I’ve lacked it for most of my adult life.   I didn’t even have a high school sweetheart.    

Now I know that due to my situation this should be the absolute last thing that I should be thinking about…RIGHT?   But oh boy my heart is really craving some romance if even for just a temporary time.   This time of year I also usually have crushes.  I have one now I won’t say who that is.   Couldn’t be helped although in my defense it could be due to the stressful situation that I’m in, I don’t know.   

Summer is just right around the corner, its not quite here yet!  I believe the beginning of summer is June 21st?   But as far as I’m concerned its already here.   I can’t even remember the last time I was involved with anyone.   Living here in the Pacific Northwest its just not the best region to meet anyone.   People here seem somewhat narrow minded despite the fact that its 2014!   People of color especially African American women seemed to get the short end of the stick here.  

Having grown up in California being exposed to different nationalities, socioeconomic backgrounds I don’t limit myself.  I’ve been exposed to alot growing up.   Despite the hell I was exposed to in childhood, I’ve had some really terrific experiences.   Unfortunately the bad seemed to outweigh the good.   Lopsided to the MAX!

I want to meet the best & surround myself with some great people.   But, sad to say these kinds of people aren’t easy to find in life.  I keep praying that I’ll at least make some really good solid female friends cause I’m female & really prefer the company of intelligent high energetic women who enjoy life & know what they want.    Makes no difference in age either.   The key is self confidence a least a modicum of it.   I would be just as comfortable with someone 20 IF they know what they want out of life & can hold a good conversation with me.   Looks aren’t important however being active is.    I can even work with shyness if the person gives me a little something to work with.   It just depends.    I’ve developed into a really strong personality who speaks up for herself, knows what she wants out of life & works about getting things done.  

It just hasn’t been easy for me, I’ve had to work very hard with little to know help or guidance.   I’m not whining its just a fact.

So in the meantime, I will just place my focus elsewhere getting my goals met.    I mean really everyone me thinking about romance the timing just couldn’t be worse!  And I know that.

Living in a temporary women’s shelter for the next few months, trying to figure out & find an apartment or transitional housing, and then finding a job/career through some sort of job training I have to say I have my work cut out for me.   

And the thing is  everyone now days is in the same situation as myself.    I’d have a better chance at figuring out the awful National deficit 🙂

Send some good positive energy my way!  I’d appreciate that soooo much