Too Much That It Really Overwhelms My Brain

TV with over 500 channels & a comperturized menu.

A far cry from when I was a kid & you could count the channels on your TV on both

hands.   Yes I’ve been around a very long time & you just wouldn’t know it by looking at me.   I feel blessed on that front.   But I sure do get overwhelmed with all of the technology.   I mean its great, however when I was growing up our biggest entertainment was either playing football in the street or hide & seek until well past dark on the streets of Los Angeles.   I sure wouldn’t trade that for this video game crazed generation, for me all that seems so fake.   In fact I hate video games.   I don’t like computer games.   I like to read, watch quality DVDs i.e. foreign films, independant, certain tv shows like Leverage, The Equalizer (tv show from the ’80’s), old westerns, and tv sitcoms from the 70’s & 80’s.   I don’t like alot of the stuff that passes for tv shows these days.    

Although I’m pretty smart I like stuff kept simple.   I’m the same with what I want in a car, an apartment.   I really don’t have any interest in keeping up with the latest anything.   And I want to keep that way too.   

I do like the website YouTube a site I visit daily to listen to alot of retro music from the 90’s.   That site is a life saver & I’m so grateful to the people who post the music on that site.   It helps me to hang in their when day to day life kicks me in the ass!   But you know?  I still keep my sense of humor.   I think that alot of people are praying for me, I say that because my mental illness hasn’t been rearing its ugly head  & I’ve been keeping a positive, upbeat attitude….mixed in with some wisecracks here & there & I seem to being doing alright.   One thing I can say I feel better in my own skin.   

This is something I really didn’t have in previous years.   For many years I was in such a miserable state.  Now I seem okay although I don’t have much I strive to get what I want in life which is mainly a place to live.  I don’t have much of an interest in a relationship unless its friendship & a platonic one.   Cause thats all I can handle right now.  Mentally & emotionally I’m kind of at the age of about 22 or 24 years old.   I’m much older than that but for many years I was emotionally stunted.   That comes from not getting what you needed when you were growing up as a child.   What I got instead were: neglect, abuse both mental & verbal.   I know that its up to me to get my own life on track, all of those negatives kind of took its toll on me emotionally & I still haven’t really healed from all of that.   I hope to be able to write you a different scenario one of these days.   I have a feeling that I will.   But I have to tell you I am not too crazy about all of the fast paced, technology fueled things going on.   It’s just too overwhelming.

I’m better suited sittting on a beautiful island somewhere in Thailand taking in some sand & sun, just living inside a hut & living off the land.   I hope to do that some day.

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Published by: The Lonely Shepard

Me: I grew up in an extremely abusive & disadvantaged family environment were both parents were really immature & their relationship messy! I was abducted by my Father at age 8 abused physically, mentally, degraded by his 2nd Wife, and I didn't see my Mother again until 4 years later, I had to risk my neck + my life to run off to seek help with the local police & this was way before there was any such laws on the books for child abuse. Think on that awhile. Had learning disabilities all throughout school by the time I graduated I learned nothing, was prepared for nothing out in the World. Think on that. Joined the United States Army right out of High School only reason I did join was that at the time there was an Army recruiter right on the High School campus & he took an interest in me. So I joined. I was really in over my head. But what else could I do? I lived with a single Mom who was emotionally unstable & I had ZERO support from anyone including the school staff + administrators. The military was hard & degrading to me as a woman but I got out with an honorable discharge. More about me: A series of dead end jobs, my mind was totally a mess after I got out of the Army, still had no support not even from the Veterans admin. My journey has been a total nightmare of: trying to find out about myself, learning about myself, how to live as an adult, all with no help. Now after long , and intensive filled journey I'm trying to get back on track with my life I want to go to school with the hope of one day attending University. I don't wish my journey on anyone. No one gave me guidance: as a child as a teen as a young adult I was all on my own! and it was real lonely , isolating, extremely frightening. Family? don't really have any. Now remember everyone I'm African American & I receive little to no respect I don't even warrant a speeding car that will slow down. "The person who sang the National Anthem sang the last note so high that no could reach it! That was intentional!" Belize from Tony Kushners play Angels In America.

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