Something That Is Bothering Me

Something is bothering me.

When it seems that I have no one in my corner who actually understands or gives a damn of what I’ve went through or what I’m going through.

For many years since I was a teenager I was so verbally abused & sometimes physically abused by my emotionally unstable Mother.  

And actually the abuse goes further back to the age of 3 or 4 when I would be left alone for hours at a time on a regular basis, that in addition to the Domestic violence I was forced to witness.   But I will only go back to teen years which were HORRIBLE for me!   I was awkward, I didn’t dress well like the other kids (real important for a high schooler) because I was raised by a single Mother.    I did eventually get an after school job, but I needed the guidance of my BFF to help me shop for clothes of which I was pretty clueless (no pun intended on the movie 🙂

So the hardest thing during those impressionable years was enduring the verbal abuse, my Mothers many emotional meltdowns that could have rivaled the 3 Mile island Nuclear Plant.     No one seemed to care or listen or whatever to what I was going through living alone with my Mom.   I was ignored.    I dreaded living with my Mother.   She never seemed happy, she would just go off at the slightest thing, and oh how she would blow the simplest things out of proportion.    During social school activities like when a sports team that I would play for would go out to eat, she could be downright anti social.   It was as though she would be like a turtle sticking its head inside their shell.

Fast forward to NOW.   Not much seems to have changed with her, she is much older & she always feels sorry for herself….example of what she says?

“Well I’m old”.    Or something like that.   I try to do things with her but she never seems to know what she wants, she seems to be real reluctant to make decisions on anything!    My opinion either you want to go out for lunch or you do not, please learn to make up your mind, because I sure can’t do that for you.   I suspect she is back to smoking weed with her …..Husband (if you can call him that)  He is on that medical marijuana..     Medical marijuana!  I hate that they legalized that shit!  Last thing I want is a Mother who smokes dope to alleviate her depression.  

I have now not been on speaking terms with my Mother for close to a month.   I’m fine with it, she depresses me, I want to be around positive types & she is not that.   I always hear the same thing,   “Well I’m doing these bills”   I have chronic pain (for which I’ve said over a hundred times go to the Bastyr Clinic for acupuncture & some Chinese herbs, take the Para transit van I’ve applied for on your behalf).

The last straw was our last conversation about one month ago when I asked if we could go to lunch.    I asked her the first time & her answer?  “We’ll see”, which translated in my head meant  “I don’t want to make a commitment to anything”.    I call the same day some 4-5 hours later, and I ask about going to lunch.     Still the same listless sounding answer of “We’ll see”.     It was around this time that I threw my cell phone out into the street were I proceeded to continue walking with me seething with rage.  OH and you won’t believe what happened next.   The following day, Mom comes over to my apartment unannounced….see, since I threw my cell phone out into the street she couldn’t contact me, but I had my other Safelink phone & she has that number….why didn’t she call that phone number?   No idea.

I decided on that particular day to just go take a walk one mile up the road to the local public library & use the Wi Fi .    I had no idea that she was even coming over.   So I come home from the library & I see this note on the door & of course its a guilt trip type of note saying how disappointed she is in me.

I’m thinking:  Disappointed in what??   that I’m not on the same page with your crazy making behavior.   Well if that’s all your disappointed in I guess I can count my blessings!    I like stability & a straight answer I’m strange like that.

A close family friend really gets on my nerves asking me  if I’ve talked to my Mother.     I don’t like it cause I feel that its none of her business.    Would you want to talk to someone who is constantly depressed, watches TV, doesn’t get out to do anything.      I am the total opposite.

Oh BTW  I’m still trying to hang on until I find a mental Health therapist..   I still haven’t found one.

Any of you deal with this kind of issue?    Write me & let me know.   Cause this has been so painful,    and the sad part is no one listens to how I feel  😦

My Blog A Continuation

I have been having problems with the WordPress website.    There is nothing more annoying that having a webpage act up while your trying to convey your thoughts.    I’m going through yet another difficult time.   I am now at my own apartment, now I’m trying to get it furnished,  I don’t speak to my Mom right now because she is just so weird!   Can’t deal!   My one friend whom I met during my 3 month stay at the women’s homeless shelter I’ll call her Jenny seems to be M.I.A.    Jenny’s stay at the shelter had come to an end so she had to leave.

Jenny was then sent to a 3 month transitional home where the bedrooms are furnished with bunk beds.   Quite different from having had a private cubicle which is what we homeless gals had at the women’s shelter.   She left after only one day according to her email to me that arrived in my email box 3 days prior.   The email had me concerned.   Jenny had gotten along with every single woman at the old shelter & believe me that ain’t easy to do.   Even I locked horns with 2 women there.  Jenny’s email was very brief but in it she says that she has gotten into many fights & has basically has had a hard time finding shelter.    Which as of this writing has been two weeks now. 

The day before I left the shelter for good I gave Jenny my email address.   Seemed appropriate rather than asking for her phone number which I considered way too personal.   Although I wasn’t sure if Jenny wanted to stay in touch with me, I had strong reason to believe that she trusted me as a good friend based on some things she did during my brief stay.

One day I ran into Jenny on the bus so we decided to hang out at the park in front of the Bellevue Regional Library.  We talked for a few hours.    I can’t even remember the last time I did anything like that!   Remember I live in the very unfriendly Pacific Northwest were its hard to get close to anyone!

And, the bad news is that I’ve heard from a couple of other women from the shelter that Jenny has a substance abuse problem.   It’s Heroin!   The most difficult drug  to get clean from.    I haven’t heard from Jenny in a few days I have left her around 7 emails asking her to let me know that she is okay.     Most of them have info on where she can go to like the one day center located out in Kent.     That & some other places for her to try to get into for shelter the ones where the stay is up to 2 years.    

I’m pretty concerned I now have a total of 3 friends all from the homeless shelter that includes Jenny.    Which are 3 more than I had before I stayed at Sophia Way.   

Myself I met with my case manager from the SSVF (support for homeless vets)  were she is helping me get mental health help.     I had asked my case manager about a resource for Jenny.     Later on in the day my C.M.   emailed a link to me which I then emailed that to Jenny.       I hope that Jenny doesn’t die out on those streets.   Jenny is a good friend.    She’s the only one that isn’t judgmental & lets me be me.    I haven’t really had that with the people I’ve met in my adult life.      And I went several years of isolation before I met the 3 friends that I have now.

People It’s Real Bad Out Here, Try Not To Forget!

Everyone how are  you all?    Today  I’m here sitting at  the Federal Way Library using the Wi Fi.    It is my one & only entertainment.    You see, although I’m in my own apartment I have barely nothing in it aside from boxes.   I’m low income, don’t have cable (nor do I want it since what’s broadcast on it is garbage) nor do I have internet hook up thus I come for free Wi Fi here at the library.

I am grateful for the food I have, but I have nothing to cook it in lol! What can I tell you all?  I buy a lot of cheap stuff that either rusts, breaks, chips then I have to dump it.   I am grateful for what I have.    I hope you all who take the time to read what I type believe that.    I just struggle with a somewhat deficient brain.

Yesterday, I was at the library on my laptop surfing the Net for information on where to go for my hair.    So I check my email inbox for what seems like the umpteenth time, when I see an email from my friend that I met during my  three month stay at the women’s shelter.   I’ll call her Ashley.   Ashley is beautiful and in my opinion you’d never in a million years expect someone like her to be in a woman’s shelter.   That means she looks like she should be in a college sorority than a woman’s homeless shelter.      See everyone homeless women could look like ANYONE!   It’s not always the old lady with layers of dirty clothes on her back talking to herself on the street.

I read Ashley’s email & she is in dire straits.  What I mean is that once her time was up at the women’s shelter (you get six months)  she went to a place that is similar to one of those youth hostels.    Equipped with bunk beds, a transitional house, where the stay is temporary I heard at this one particular place Ashley went to it was 3 months.

But  a problem occurred for her according to her email that she would only say  was a potential conflict of interest.   I have no idea what that

To Be Continued.      WordPress is giving me problems



Not Sure Just Where I Fit In The World.

This World of ours in the 21st Century is more confusing than at any other time in my life.   For nearly my whole life to this very day I just don’t  he have any idea where I FIT INTO  the scheme of things.    I never married (Praise be to God)  Never had children (Are you kidding I barely survived being a kid myself)  and so now I’m at a time in my life trying to figure things out.    I never received any support around my development either, everyone who I ever knew were either impatient, hostile, or downright uncaring about even listening to me.    All I ever got was HOW THEY FELT.   Never have I ever had someone who would just LISTEN to me, and how I felt.   It’s left me real wounded inside.  

I withdraw further into myself because the trust in other PEOPLE has completely eroded into NOTHING!  I seek refuge in some books to read or I watch old TV westerns.    It’s all I like.   As I’ve said in my last blog I could care less about how the Seattle Seahawks are doing, because I’m more concerned WITH HOW I’M DOING!     Because for me its really tough going all across the board.    For most of my life I’ve crossed paths or dealt with the most unstable of people & that’s including my immediate family.     It’s most  sad everyone.

Often it feels like I walk around in the World & the other People have their heads encased inside of a fishbowl, oblivious to every & anything else going on in the World.     Feels like walking around in the Twilight Zone.

Welcome to the Twilight Zone.     This is not  living.    It’s a living Hell!