Bitter To The Core

I’m at the local library taking advantage of the Wi Fi that’s offered here.

It’s the only highlight of my day it seems.

I don’t have cable & for good reason its expensive, can’t afford it, all of what’s broadcast on the networks & cable channels is pure shit!   So I spend time at the library   .    I’m bitter today, not a happy camper.   I’m angry.    Angry at the World.    So I come to the library, order up something on to arrive in a few days & I guess hope for the best.    Not much luck with the search with mental health, the low cost ones tell me “Sorry  nothing’s available”.    So I’m saving something here & something there so I can go to at least  sessions to start with then do the best that I can to pay.   I don’t have much!   I often feel short changed in life.   I always feel this way.    Seems like when I was coming up no one wanted to be bothered with helping me on anything, whether it was with school, growing up…..just nothing, nada, zip!    Now I seem to notice there are all kinds of help for youngsters who had the exact same problems I had but when I was young it was MY PROBLEM & NO ONE WANTED TO GET INVOLVED!    Life sure is a cruel BITCH!

Crazy Mother, no Father, no siblings, no friends.     I’m sure sinking fast on this boat aren’t  I ?   The Seattle Seahawks are playing tonight its all anyone is talking about.     As for me?    I really could care less!   I’m in pain.

I feel adrift in a sea of hopelessness!



Published by: The Lonely Shepard

Me: I grew up in an extremely abusive & disadvantaged family environment were both parents were really immature & their relationship messy! I was abducted by my Father at age 8 abused physically, mentally, degraded by his 2nd Wife, and I didn't see my Mother again until 4 years later, I had to risk my neck + my life to run off to seek help with the local police & this was way before there was any such laws on the books for child abuse. Think on that awhile. Had learning disabilities all throughout school by the time I graduated I learned nothing, was prepared for nothing out in the World. Think on that. Joined the United States Army right out of High School only reason I did join was that at the time there was an Army recruiter right on the High School campus & he took an interest in me. So I joined. I was really in over my head. But what else could I do? I lived with a single Mom who was emotionally unstable & I had ZERO support from anyone including the school staff + administrators. The military was hard & degrading to me as a woman but I got out with an honorable discharge. More about me: A series of dead end jobs, my mind was totally a mess after I got out of the Army, still had no support not even from the Veterans admin. My journey has been a total nightmare of: trying to find out about myself, learning about myself, how to live as an adult, all with no help. Now after long , and intensive filled journey I'm trying to get back on track with my life I want to go to school with the hope of one day attending University. I don't wish my journey on anyone. No one gave me guidance: as a child as a teen as a young adult I was all on my own! and it was real lonely , isolating, extremely frightening. Family? don't really have any. Now remember everyone I'm African American & I receive little to no respect I don't even warrant a speeding car that will slow down. "The person who sang the National Anthem sang the last note so high that no could reach it! That was intentional!" Belize from Tony Kushners play Angels In America. If you've read this far I will leave my email in case you want to leave me a msg. Those that are rude will get deleted immediately. Contact:

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