Something That Is Bothering Me

Something is bothering me.

When it seems that I have no one in my corner who actually understands or gives a damn of what I’ve went through or what I’m going through.

For many years since I was a teenager I was so verbally abused & sometimes physically abused by my emotionally unstable Mother.  

And actually the abuse goes further back to the age of 3 or 4 when I would be left alone for hours at a time on a regular basis, that in addition to the Domestic violence I was forced to witness.   But I will only go back to teen years which were HORRIBLE for me!   I was awkward, I didn’t dress well like the other kids (real important for a high schooler) because I was raised by a single Mother.    I did eventually get an after school job, but I needed the guidance of my BFF to help me shop for clothes of which I was pretty clueless (no pun intended on the movie 🙂

So the hardest thing during those impressionable years was enduring the verbal abuse, my Mothers many emotional meltdowns that could have rivaled the 3 Mile island Nuclear Plant.     No one seemed to care or listen or whatever to what I was going through living alone with my Mom.   I was ignored.    I dreaded living with my Mother.   She never seemed happy, she would just go off at the slightest thing, and oh how she would blow the simplest things out of proportion.    During social school activities like when a sports team that I would play for would go out to eat, she could be downright anti social.   It was as though she would be like a turtle sticking its head inside their shell.

Fast forward to NOW.   Not much seems to have changed with her, she is much older & she always feels sorry for herself….example of what she says?

“Well I’m old”.    Or something like that.   I try to do things with her but she never seems to know what she wants, she seems to be real reluctant to make decisions on anything!    My opinion either you want to go out for lunch or you do not, please learn to make up your mind, because I sure can’t do that for you.   I suspect she is back to smoking weed with her …..Husband (if you can call him that)  He is on that medical marijuana..     Medical marijuana!  I hate that they legalized that shit!  Last thing I want is a Mother who smokes dope to alleviate her depression.  

I have now not been on speaking terms with my Mother for close to a month.   I’m fine with it, she depresses me, I want to be around positive types & she is not that.   I always hear the same thing,   “Well I’m doing these bills”   I have chronic pain (for which I’ve said over a hundred times go to the Bastyr Clinic for acupuncture & some Chinese herbs, take the Para transit van I’ve applied for on your behalf).

The last straw was our last conversation about one month ago when I asked if we could go to lunch.    I asked her the first time & her answer?  “We’ll see”, which translated in my head meant  “I don’t want to make a commitment to anything”.    I call the same day some 4-5 hours later, and I ask about going to lunch.     Still the same listless sounding answer of “We’ll see”.     It was around this time that I threw my cell phone out into the street were I proceeded to continue walking with me seething with rage.  OH and you won’t believe what happened next.   The following day, Mom comes over to my apartment unannounced….see, since I threw my cell phone out into the street she couldn’t contact me, but I had my other Safelink phone & she has that number….why didn’t she call that phone number?   No idea.

I decided on that particular day to just go take a walk one mile up the road to the local public library & use the Wi Fi .    I had no idea that she was even coming over.   So I come home from the library & I see this note on the door & of course its a guilt trip type of note saying how disappointed she is in me.

I’m thinking:  Disappointed in what??   that I’m not on the same page with your crazy making behavior.   Well if that’s all your disappointed in I guess I can count my blessings!    I like stability & a straight answer I’m strange like that.

A close family friend really gets on my nerves asking me  if I’ve talked to my Mother.     I don’t like it cause I feel that its none of her business.    Would you want to talk to someone who is constantly depressed, watches TV, doesn’t get out to do anything.      I am the total opposite.

Oh BTW  I’m still trying to hang on until I find a mental Health therapist..   I still haven’t found one.

Any of you deal with this kind of issue?    Write me & let me know.   Cause this has been so painful,    and the sad part is no one listens to how I feel  😦

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Published by: The Lonely Shepard

Me: I grew up in an extremely abusive & disadvantaged family environment were both parents were really immature & their relationship messy! I was abducted by my Father at age 8 abused physically, mentally, degraded by his 2nd Wife, and I didn't see my Mother again until 4 years later, I had to risk my neck + my life to run off to seek help with the local police & this was way before there was any such laws on the books for child abuse. Think on that awhile. Had learning disabilities all throughout school by the time I graduated I learned nothing, was prepared for nothing out in the World. Think on that. Joined the United States Army right out of High School only reason I did join was that at the time there was an Army recruiter right on the High School campus & he took an interest in me. So I joined. I was really in over my head. But what else could I do? I lived with a single Mom who was emotionally unstable & I had ZERO support from anyone including the school staff + administrators. The military was hard & degrading to me as a woman but I got out with an honorable discharge. More about me: A series of dead end jobs, my mind was totally a mess after I got out of the Army, still had no support not even from the Veterans admin. My journey has been a total nightmare of: trying to find out about myself, learning about myself, how to live as an adult, all with no help. Now after long , and intensive filled journey I'm trying to get back on track with my life I want to go to school with the hope of one day attending University. I don't wish my journey on anyone. No one gave me guidance: as a child as a teen as a young adult I was all on my own! and it was real lonely , isolating, extremely frightening. Family? don't really have any. Now remember everyone I'm African American & I receive little to no respect I don't even warrant a speeding car that will slow down. "The person who sang the National Anthem sang the last note so high that no could reach it! That was intentional!" Belize from Tony Kushners play Angels In America. If you've read this far I will leave my email in case you want to leave me a msg. Those that are rude will get deleted immediately. Contact: Yogibeara425@hushmail.com

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