I’ve Had Many Bad Breaks. A Look Back On My Mistakes, And How I Will Get On The Right Track

Yeah, I know that it’s a long title but hey, its my blog and I write what I feel.   Lately while I would sit in my apartment I took a long look inward about all the poor choices I made.   Usually when this happens I go into a manic episode.   In fact I have gone into manic episodes.

However I tried a different approach since 99.9 % of the time I must act as my own therapist because ladies & gentlemen?  There is just no one to talk with openly & honestly about such things.  So what did I do?

Took inventory over every year of my life.   Basically as children we are supposed to get love, guidance, protection, love, nurturing from our parents.  And this is just a basic honest assessment here:  If one has received NOTHING in the way of what I just listed you can be certain that you’ll develop much like our nations financial status at a pure deficit.   I have such a deficit.   Beyond potty training, learning to speak, and some basic stuff I learned absolutely not one damn thing.    I was lost, lost , lost.   And I likened my years similar to a long addition math problem.  Each time, each problem, each unresolved issue and baby there were many were carried over into the next column that after awhile my thoughts were worse than a crossword jumble.   Basically I was invisible, neglected unless I screwed up which was all the time.    You see everyone it really doesn’t matter how smart you are as a kid you receive constant horrendous experience without any kind of positive reinforcement you really aren’t going to turn out to be a high functioning person out in society.  I speak truth to power on this.

That’s not to say that change isn’t possible.    It is but its a grueling road towards recovery.   Kind of like trying to climb Mt. Everest with your hands & feet.    It has been a very painful, heartwrenching journey for me.   Hardly a picnic.   I now no longer care what anyone thinks of me.   If I don’t wish to talk to anyone….I don’t.    I know what I want….and I will get it but it won’t be easy.    A university education?   I WILL have one.   I will begin with taking online math courses which will lead to something else down the road.   I’m highly intelligent I always was unfortunately when one sustains torture of the magnitude like I endured it will weaken you, just like Kryptonite on Superman.   I’m different now.   I’m way more serious & not the carefree happy go lucky woman I once was so long ago.   I won’t settle for anything less than the best of what I want that includes friends.   The death of former friends, the constant racial epithets, a lifetime of physical, verbal, mental abuse that was so bad I should be in someones institution.   I’ve had brief stints in hospitals too.  After all wouldn’t you need a break from the World to gather yourself?  I know that I did.  

I’m keeping my eye on the prize.   All of that negative nonsense on Black women on those search engines like Google & such need to  have their heads examined.    For realCause you all know what?  No one can EVER know what each of us has endured in HER particular life to make her the way she is.     Gee, probably isn’t any negatives about any other race of women.   If I’m lucky enough to have survived years of torture that could only be compared to that of someone in a prison camp then please knock off all the hate on Black women please.   I was luck enough NOT:  To be incarcerated..EVER!,  and I’m not promiscuous.    I really defy the stereotypes.    Imagine that!   and I’m learning to speak 2 languages.   Don’t know why I feel the need to tell you all this, must be all the years of disrespect I’ve had to take on the chin and no one bothering to care, or perhaps it’s that deep seeded inner need to have a voice.

Either way Black women are:




And We Black Women are all beautiful.

Google search & others?  Go to hell, you know nothing.


Published by: The Lonely Shepard

Me: I grew up in an extremely abusive & disadvantaged family environment were both parents were really immature & their relationship messy! I was abducted by my Father at age 8 abused physically, mentally, degraded by his 2nd Wife, and I didn't see my Mother again until 4 years later, I had to risk my neck + my life to run off to seek help with the local police & this was way before there was any such laws on the books for child abuse. Think on that awhile. Had learning disabilities all throughout school by the time I graduated I learned nothing, was prepared for nothing out in the World. Think on that. Joined the United States Army right out of High School only reason I did join was that at the time there was an Army recruiter right on the High School campus & he took an interest in me. So I joined. I was really in over my head. But what else could I do? I lived with a single Mom who was emotionally unstable & I had ZERO support from anyone including the school staff + administrators. The military was hard & degrading to me as a woman but I got out with an honorable discharge. More about me: A series of dead end jobs, my mind was totally a mess after I got out of the Army, still had no support not even from the Veterans admin. My journey has been a total nightmare of: trying to find out about myself, learning about myself, how to live as an adult, all with no help. Now after long , and intensive filled journey I'm trying to get back on track with my life I want to go to school with the hope of one day attending University. I don't wish my journey on anyone. No one gave me guidance: as a child as a teen as a young adult I was all on my own! and it was real lonely , isolating, extremely frightening. Family? don't really have any. Now remember everyone I'm African American & I receive little to no respect I don't even warrant a speeding car that will slow down. "The person who sang the National Anthem sang the last note so high that no could reach it! That was intentional!" Belize from Tony Kushners play Angels In America. If you've read this far I will leave my email in case you want to leave me a msg. Those that are rude will get deleted immediately. Contact: Yogibeara425@hushmail.com

Categories just trying to make it in a World full of hate & intolerance for people of color