Hallelujah! I’m seeing a new therapist my umpteenth over a 20+ year period. She helps me sort out all this shit I’ve suffered. All the unfairness (her words) all the violation of my rights ( as if I had any) I could find no one to listen to me. I’ve been haunted, had nightmares and not just once but over & over again. I feel finally vindicated ! I’ve had so much judgement, been looked down upon, talked abusively to, been made to feel that I was lacking in character, all of you out there reading my blog you have no idea what its like to be constantly looked down upon especially when no one bothers to even get to know who you are! This is what I’ve been through my whole life. The funny looks I have received (and dirty looks), the gossip, nurturing & love what are they?
And it hasn’t improved either. Hey I go to bed alone, wake up alone, receive no amount of sensitivity so as a result my trust in people isn’t the best. In fact my trust in people is at a negative zero right now (for any of you mathematicians)
I can only take so much for so many years. And I’ve reached my limit. I was able to talk about all the injustice, violations, the mind games that could have matched anything the CIA could do I’m not joking. To all of you out there reading I’m not just typing out your run of the mill abuse….no. It’s bad I’ve spent much of my adult life kind of equates to a prison sentence to getting to the root of my mental illness. Spent years trying to get diagnosed…..THEN I spend more time finding a qualified therapist to talk to & get all of this MESS IN MY HEAD straightened out.
And mind you I do this ALL ALONE! Think on that one. This journey is hell. SO the only two things I can rely on are me, God, the therapist. I’m going to hang in there. It’s very, very difficult getting mental health treatment. I have to see her every other week I’m lucky that she came down in her rate because as you all out there may or may not know therapy ain’t cheap. But for someone like me battling with hate both childhood & present (Pacific N.W. is one hostile place for African American women) I can’t afford NOT TO! I borrow from Mom, set aside a little here & there. I want & need for EVERYTHING! Even basic dignity seems denied.
Wow what a way to live. I’m signing off. Peace!