FINALLY A Therapist Who Has A Clue

Hallelujah! I’m seeing a new therapist my umpteenth over a 20+ year period.   She helps me sort out all this shit I’ve suffered.  All the unfairness (her words)  all the violation of my rights ( as if I had any) I could find no one to listen to me.  I’ve been haunted, had nightmares and not just once but over & over again.   I feel finally vindicated !   I’ve had so much judgement, been looked down upon, talked abusively to, been made to feel that I was lacking in character, all of you out there reading my blog you have no idea what its like to be constantly looked down upon especially when no one bothers to even get to know who you are!  This is what I’ve been through my whole life.    The funny looks I have received (and dirty looks), the gossip, nurturing & love what are they?

And it hasn’t improved either.   Hey I go to bed alone, wake up alone, receive no amount of sensitivity so as a result my trust in people isn’t the best.   In fact my trust in people is at a negative zero right now (for any of you mathematicians)

I can only take so much for so many years.   And I’ve reached my limit.   I was able to talk about all the injustice, violations, the mind games that could have matched anything the CIA could do I’m not joking.    To all of you out there reading I’m not just typing out your run of the mill abuse….no.   It’s bad I’ve spent much of my adult life kind of equates to a prison sentence to getting to the root of my mental illness.   Spent years trying to get diagnosed…..THEN I spend more time finding a qualified therapist to talk to & get all of this MESS IN MY HEAD straightened out.

And mind you I do this ALL ALONE!  Think on that one.   This journey is hell.  SO the only two things I can rely on are me, God, the therapist.   I’m going to hang in there.   It’s very, very difficult getting mental health treatment.   I have to see her every other week I’m lucky that she came down in her rate because as you all out there may or may not know therapy ain’t cheap.    But for someone like me battling with hate both childhood & present (Pacific N.W. is one hostile place for African American women)  I can’t afford NOT TO!  I borrow from Mom, set aside a little here & there.   I want & need for EVERYTHING!  Even basic dignity seems denied.

Wow what a way to live.   I’m signing off.   Peace!

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Published by: The Lonely Shepard

Me: I grew up in an extremely abusive & disadvantaged family environment were both parents were really immature & their relationship messy! I was abducted by my Father at age 8 abused physically, mentally, degraded by his 2nd Wife, and I didn't see my Mother again until 4 years later, I had to risk my neck + my life to run off to seek help with the local police & this was way before there was any such laws on the books for child abuse. Think on that awhile. Had learning disabilities all throughout school by the time I graduated I learned nothing, was prepared for nothing out in the World. Think on that. Joined the United States Army right out of High School only reason I did join was that at the time there was an Army recruiter right on the High School campus & he took an interest in me. So I joined. I was really in over my head. But what else could I do? I lived with a single Mom who was emotionally unstable & I had ZERO support from anyone including the school staff + administrators. The military was hard & degrading to me as a woman but I got out with an honorable discharge. More about me: A series of dead end jobs, my mind was totally a mess after I got out of the Army, still had no support not even from the Veterans admin. My journey has been a total nightmare of: trying to find out about myself, learning about myself, how to live as an adult, all with no help. Now after long , and intensive filled journey I'm trying to get back on track with my life I want to go to school with the hope of one day attending University. I don't wish my journey on anyone. No one gave me guidance: as a child as a teen as a young adult I was all on my own! and it was real lonely , isolating, extremely frightening. Family? don't really have any. Now remember everyone I'm African American & I receive little to no respect I don't even warrant a speeding car that will slow down. "The person who sang the National Anthem sang the last note so high that no could reach it! That was intentional!" Belize from Tony Kushners play Angels In America.

Categories just trying to make it in a World full of hate & intolerance for people of color