Living Alone Really Plays Tricks With Your Mind.

I have lived alone….lets see for the better part of well I’m going to say 20+ years are so.  I’ve simply lost track.   I must say that it’s playing with my sanity as it’s doing just that today.  I’m fully awake right now & for the last couple of hours I’ve been feeling like I am drifting in & out of a waking coma.   I don’t feel like I’m of my body.   I feel real detached.   A minute ago I almost flew into a rage but luckily I diffused that by going on my knees  calling out to God for help.  I sure hope that he is listening to me.  It is a warm day out but I’m totally oblivious to it all.   I have no one to really call so that is not an option so as usual I have the tv on & I’m on my laptop simultaneously to keep me company.    I can understand why people take drugs, cause life is very painful when there’s no family or friends around to see how your doing.   I have one surviving parent but she’s very narcisstic and it’s like talking to a wall, I do better talking to myself because she sure doesn’t listen to me.   I’m just telling it like it is.   Man I can’t wait to get my shit together & move to Hawaii.  But first I need to learn a trade then post that resume online to get an apprenticeship over there.   I hate it here cause this is no kind of way to live.   Part of my discouragement was when I spoke with a very young lady or girl on the phone at a church I was considering joining.  , I left a message this kid calls me back but I knew from talking with her that she really didn’t know how to hold ANY kind of conversation with me.   Not only that but she didn’t listen to me, she was making these phony, shallow comments when I attempted to open up to her about how it has been such a long time since I set foot in any church she seemed baffled.  I could tell that she wasn’t sincere.   I regret ever having called this person back.  I knew when I hung up the phone that I wanted nothing to do with that church.  I like being listened to.   For example I said to her that I would be traveling by ACCESS van b/c the woman on the other end was giving me directions i.e. take hwy 99 to this exit etc when that wasn’t even necessary I take the Access van.  Access is a paratransit van which I take everywhere especially since the death threat from a racist woman 7 years ago on a Sound Transit bus.   The woman I spoke with just didn’t seem to be paying any kind of attention to what I said and I was feeling the anger well up inside of me.    I’m sorry but the younger generation of 20 somethings seem clueless.  Here’s a hint children:  learn how to carry a conversation & learn something about life please because not everyone owns a car, not everyone works a 9-5 at a freakin tech job, and guess what kids?  Not everyone has had the privilege you had to attend college.   That’s right kids.  Please learn how to relate to people over the phone, have a bit of substance to your conversation.   I’ll certainly follow my gut on that church & go somewhere else.  Peace! 


Published by: The Lonely Shepard

Me: I grew up in an extremely abusive & disadvantaged family environment were both parents were really immature & their relationship messy! I was abducted by my Father at age 8 abused physically, mentally, degraded by his 2nd Wife, and I didn't see my Mother again until 4 years later, I had to risk my neck + my life to run off to seek help with the local police & this was way before there was any such laws on the books for child abuse. Think on that awhile. Had learning disabilities all throughout school by the time I graduated I learned nothing, was prepared for nothing out in the World. Think on that. Joined the United States Army right out of High School only reason I did join was that at the time there was an Army recruiter right on the High School campus & he took an interest in me. So I joined. I was really in over my head. But what else could I do? I lived with a single Mom who was emotionally unstable & I had ZERO support from anyone including the school staff + administrators. The military was hard & degrading to me as a woman but I got out with an honorable discharge. More about me: A series of dead end jobs, my mind was totally a mess after I got out of the Army, still had no support not even from the Veterans admin. My journey has been a total nightmare of: trying to find out about myself, learning about myself, how to live as an adult, all with no help. Now after long , and intensive filled journey I'm trying to get back on track with my life I want to go to school with the hope of one day attending University. I don't wish my journey on anyone. No one gave me guidance: as a child as a teen as a young adult I was all on my own! and it was real lonely , isolating, extremely frightening. Family? don't really have any. Now remember everyone I'm African American & I receive little to no respect I don't even warrant a speeding car that will slow down. "The person who sang the National Anthem sang the last note so high that no could reach it! That was intentional!" Belize from Tony Kushners play Angels In America.

Categories just trying to make it in a World full of hate & intolerance for people of color