My whole life all I’ve ever heard were the same 5 words. Want to know what they were? I don’t have the time. My Father used to say them, my teachers, hell just about any one I’ve ever crossed paths with in life except one but she was sickly much of that time so we didn’t make much of a good match as friends. I just had what some people call a moment of clarity. And what that means is that NO ONE has ever bothered to take the time to just sit and TALK with me to possibly see what was at the root of my problems. Example: childhood, instead of shaming me saying your a bad kid, that I’ll never amount to anything instead,why not problem solve what was going on with me. Teachers were the same way. I was ( and to some extent still am) just a lamp post in life, I feel all I am to people is something superficial, I feel that no one bothers to see whats beneath. That is why I’m fighting so hard to get needed services for my mental illness because right now I’m being forgotten & ignored. I’m sending emails to NAMI….and this organization doesn’t really seem all too helpful, because I’ve attended the meetings and guess what? They don’t seem to help. Often I’m the ONLY person in the meeting room who lives all alone everyday 24/7 with bipolar/depressive/ptsd. I have no one to come home to. Those meeting only magnify that. However I write to them for help to see about getting an advocate to help me along. I shouldn’t have to do this journey all by myself. and when I say all by myself that includes holidays like thanksgiving & Christmas. Ever spend those alone? I wouldn’t recommend it, I’d rather get cut open with a jagged knife. Pretty painful.
I can’t tell you how painful it is to wake up everyday to another empty apartment with nothing! I hate it. And I’m trying my hardest to figure it out but with only ME doing the research & work what I’m often up against is the good old fashion TRIAL & ERROR much of it error. I’m trying to come up with solutions on my own. I have NO ONE to collaborate with & it’s very slow going. The planning part being the hardest. Life for me is well it sucks! Summer is just about half way over I’ve had zero fun. I’ve met no good quality people so far this year it seems I’m back to square one. It’s hell! this is what living on your own all alone is like. I now understand why people do drugs. I don’t . But it makes sense.
To be continued……….:(