No One Has Ever “Had The Time”

My whole life all I’ve ever heard were the same 5 words.  Want to know what they were?  I don’t have the time.   My Father used to say them, my teachers, hell just about any one I’ve ever crossed paths with in life except one but she was sickly much of that time so we didn’t make much of a good match as friends.   I just had what some people call an “aha” moment.   And what that means is that NO ONE has ever bothered to take the time to just sit and TALK with me to possibly see what was at the root of my problems.   Example: childhood, instead of shaming me saying your a bad kid that no good comes out of it why not problem solve what was going on with me.   Teachers were the same way.    I was ( and to some extent still am)  just a lamp post in life, I feel all I am to people is something superficial, I feel that no one bothers to see whats beneath.    That is why I’m fighting so hard to get needed services for my mental illness because right now I’m being forgotten & ignored.   I’m sending emails to NAMI….and this organization doesn’t really seem all too helpful, because I’ve attended the meetings and guess what?   They don’t seem to help.   Often I’m the ONLY person in the meeting room who lives all alone everyday 24/7 with bipolar/depressive/ptsd.    I have no one to come home to.   Those meeting only magnify that.   However I write to them for help to see about getting an advocate to help me along.    I shouldn’t have to do this journey all by myself.   and when I say all by myself that includes holidays like thanksgiving & Christmas.  Ever spend those alone?   I wouldn’t recommend it, I’d rather get cut open with a jagged knife.  Pretty painful.

I can’t tell you how painful it is to wake up everyday to another empty apartment with nothing!   I hate it.   And I’m trying my hardest to figure it out but with only ME doing the research & work what I’m often up against is the good old fashion TRIAL & ERROR much of it error.    I’m trying to come up with solutions on my own.  I have NO ONE to collaborate with & it’s very slow going.   The planning part being the hardest.  Life for me is well it sucks!   Summer is just about half way over I’ve had zero fun.   I’ve met no good quality people so far this year it seems I’m back to square one.   It’s hell!   this is what living on your own all alone is like.   I now understand why people do drugs.   I don’t .   But it makes sense.  

To be continued……….:( 

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Published by: The Lonely Shepard

Me: I grew up in an extremely abusive & disadvantaged family environment were both parents were really immature & their relationship messy! I was abducted by my Father at age 8 abused physically, mentally, degraded by his 2nd Wife, and I didn't see my Mother again until 4 years later, I had to risk my neck + my life to run off to seek help with the local police & this was way before there was any such laws on the books for child abuse. Think on that awhile. Had learning disabilities all throughout school by the time I graduated I learned nothing, was prepared for nothing out in the World. Think on that. Joined the United States Army right out of High School only reason I did join was that at the time there was an Army recruiter right on the High School campus & he took an interest in me. So I joined. I was really in over my head. But what else could I do? I lived with a single Mom who was emotionally unstable & I had ZERO support from anyone including the school staff + administrators. The military was hard & degrading to me as a woman but I got out with an honorable discharge. More about me: A series of dead end jobs, my mind was totally a mess after I got out of the Army, still had no support not even from the Veterans admin. My journey has been a total nightmare of: trying to find out about myself, learning about myself, how to live as an adult, all with no help. Now after long , and intensive filled journey I'm trying to get back on track with my life I want to go to school with the hope of one day attending University. I don't wish my journey on anyone. No one gave me guidance: as a child as a teen as a young adult I was all on my own! and it was real lonely , isolating, extremely frightening. Family? don't really have any. Now remember everyone I'm African American & I receive little to no respect I don't even warrant a speeding car that will slow down. "The person who sang the National Anthem sang the last note so high that no could reach it! That was intentional!" Belize from Tony Kushners play Angels In America. If you've read this far I will leave my email in case you want to leave me a msg. Those that are rude will get deleted immediately. Contact: Yogibeara425@hushmail.com

Categories just trying to make it in a World full of hate & intolerance for people of color