Oh I Hated My Former Stepmother Wished She Never Existed

I know that this is nothing new on blogs across the internet, but I hated my stepmother.   I feel that when women CHOOSE to marry a man that has children from a previous marriage?  Then it should be a law that they go through rigorous counseling either by a professional mental health therapist or a minister.    Here is what I have experienced having been forced into a relationship with a woman I really didn’t want to know or care about as a child.

  1. The Stepmother WANTS you to adopt them as the Mother.  SO I’m supposed to forget about MY MOTHER!  go get your F**king head examined.
  2. You as a step daughter are labeled everything negative under the sun do you want examples?  “Spoiled”  “Your Mother was no good” (well that was against Mom) and other hateful things.
  3. The bitch I knew as step mother abused me physically, mentally, brainwashing me, and sexually humiliated me.   She was a pervert.

I wished that my dad never married this woman or any woman!   Because most woman see a handsome man & THINK they will love the mans previous children but they never actually do.   All these women want is a MAN!   In my father’s case he was very handsome.   My Dad resembled Harry Belafonte that’s how handsome he was.   I sincerely wished he had stayed single!   Because WOMEN can’t , won’t, don’t care for the previous kids.    Reality check this ain’t the Brady Bunch!  People like Carol Brady?  Just don’t exist!   

I’M Not A Partier. Those People Bore Me.

I don’t know about any of you, I just know about me & what I know is I don’t like to party.   I like to stay at home, play cards, read, watch movies.   I find that the party lifestyle to be risky.   Party people bore me as they have nothing in common with me.   I love :  the Hawaiian islands, hiking in the islands, organic gardening, horseback riding stuff like that.     I hate drugs to include marijuana I don’t care if its’ legal it’s legally a drug.    I don’t drink that crap rots your insides out.    

I want the life I had before when I was a kid when I didn’t pick up all those awful bad adult habits.  I like fun things just not partying.   

I don’t like certain kinds of people those kinds are : Predators they are everywhere especially ones that prey on women & children.   Warning to all of you out there !  They’re everywhere.   I don’t like people who aren’t  sure of themselves or have low self esteem it’s taken me my whole life to learn it and I come from a stepfather who was abusive & a Mother who was really VERY ABUSIVE towards me, and despite it all slowly, by watching certain shows & painful growth (with no one giving me one iota of attention or giving a damn)  I have self esteem & I can stand up for myself.

Basically don’t follow the crowd.   Don’t care what anyone thinks of you.  Don’t stay with someone you don’t like just because you don’t want to be alone because trust me you’ll only hurt yourself.   This world is full of wolves even your own family can’t be trusted.   It’s real easy to fall into a trap especially when your really young.   I know that I trust no one.  I hope I meet someone who is of quality but that hasn’t happened most people don’t have a clue who they are on the inside so I guess I’ll wait a little bit longer.  All I know is I know what I want, and if you don’t I can’t be bothered with you.

Living with a schizophrenic as a child

My Mother had remarried when I was 2 years old.   This guy was worse than my biological father.   I think it may have been a rebound I just don’t know.  I do know that this guy loved to be violent.   He just didn’t care.   My first memory of him was him bending my Mother over the washing machine & whipping her viciously with a belt.   I was in a high chair.   Yup right in front of me he didn’t care.  This was just the start.  I want to share this in a therapy session however I’m still getting what little money I have to pay her since I have to pay out of pocket.

However I will skip all the violent beatings he did with my Mother & they were horrible.   I still remember those black eyes he gave her.   He would beat me sometimes.  But his rage usually was directed at Mother.   This could be why I don’t like men & I don’t like women either.   That abomination of a man (animal)  yes he was an animal FINALLY passed away in 2011.   Why this piece of shit lived as long as he did is a mystery.  It seems like the most evil of people seem to live the longest go figure everyone!

SO, late one night or in the wee hours I was suffering from the PTSD, I was depressed, and angry this was recent, I decided to do some digging into my former stepfathers past.   I’ll call him  Jack (as in Jack ass).    

It’s not hard to dig into a persons past everyone.   All you need is the persons full name including their middle name (because sometimes people have the same first & last name)  as well as their date of birth.   You’d be surprised how lucky I was because I’m a pretty good guesser.   I pretty much estimated his age.   But what really helped me was that when I went to investigate him that same web page listed all his other relatives AND THATS when I knew I had the right person.   The webpage I went to was VERY GOOD!  If you need the name you’ll have to ask , as I won’t provide it on here.   

What I found was REAL disturbing.   I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned on previous blogs about how my Mother & I had to flee California.   We did with just one suitcase, and we left everything behind to include the family dog.   We had to pack within minutes too.    Anyway, I was 12 years old that year.   We did escape successfully obviously or I wouldn’t be alive to write this.

Okay what I found on XYZ website (not real name) was that the former stepfather Jack had sexually assaulted (raped) a child.  He was convicted, it was in the 1st degree & what that means is that the child was under 12  .   This was a class A felony the most severe this was a very heinous charge.  He did do prison time I’m unsure how much the page didn’t reveal any of that.   He has had other criminal charges as well involving minor children as well as an assault charge.   In the end he & his last Wife were found dead in their apartment for four days before someone discovered them.    According to a step cousin with whom I no longer keep in touch with.  She told my Mother.   Real nice of her (I’m being sarcastic) .    I strongly suspect that Jacks last wife died under suspicious circumstances.   Want to know why I say this?   My Mother SAW her former Husband in the parking lot of a Safeway supermarket where Jack was violently snatching his wife out of her wheelchair then he violently threw her in the car.    That’s right.   Knowing how violent & everyone I do mean violent, controlling , I believe he did something to his wife.   Kind of like if I die then so will you.     This last wife was younger than Jack by some 25 years.   It’s just an eerie feeling.   When you grow up around  a psychopath you get certain gut feelings, you observe their every move as a matter of survival you learn to watch everything about them to insure that they don’t go psycho on you.  It’s insane what children are put through.  Me?  I was methodical in how I dealt with this creep.  I was very, very careful, but even then I would explode & catch hell.  Sometimes this man would mentally drain me so much as a child I literally would fall asleep while I did my homework.   I got caught one evening & I was rewarded with a lighting quick slap that felt like a thousand razors had cut my face.   I now can’t trust any man.  And if a man were to hit me I might kill him.  I am really disturbed folks.  Sorry I’m no Marcia Brady.  

One other thing that step cousin mentioned besides the gruesome deaths was that Jack was schizophrenic.  That would make sense.  Because having grown up with him was like living in one of those POW camps.   I’m still affected to this day, I still have night mares too.    The man has been dead for 5 years & I’m still afraid.   Wow!  Can’t believe I even lived through that.   Mom is still alive.  She turns 77 this (November) month.  I can’t believe that she is still alive!  Talk about your horror story.

When It Comes To Movies It’s Countries Outside the U.S. that Get It Right.

I’m a huge movie fan.  I am not especially fond of most American movies EXCEPT FOR THE following:

The Talented Mr. Ripley 

Dances With Wolves

Wyatt Earp starring Kevin Costner

The Godfather Part 2

But I want to talk about the Talented Mr Ripley.   The Talented Mr. Ripley was from the book written by the late Patricia Highsmith & she was THE BEST fictional crime novelist.   I loved the film.   I saw the  movie when it premiered in the theaters which was cool except the friend I was attending the movie with at the time kept bitching at the beginning of the film about how the credits took too long.   She almost ruined the film going mood.  So glad I watch movies at home now.   The movie was about a lonely financially struggling young man living on his own in a basement style apartment who works as a bathroom attendant.   Tom Ripley yearns to belong to the upper crust social arena.   Opportunity comes literally knocking one day at a piano recital thrown by a rich shipping magnate who confuses Tom for one of his son’s University classmates.   I won’t go further in case some of you haven’t seen the movie it’s quite good, Matt Damon, Jude Law do an excellent job of acting.

However, I want to see the OTHER movie based on Patricia Highsmith’s book.  It’s called Purple Noon & it was made in 1960 it was French/Italian.   I saw that the dvd is for sale on Amazon & I really want to buy & watch THIS version which according to the Amazon online reviews  is so much better than the American made version.  I like foreign films better anyway.    I kind of wish that I would have had friends who really KNOW their films, and introduce me to foreign made versions of an American made film.   Unfortunately I really didn’t know any friends like that.  I had seen lots of foreign films on my own and I usually would go alone.   I hate film festivals because here in Seattle the people here are so stuck up.    I’ve seen tons of French films, I saw movie this one made in Finland called the Match Factory Girl about a young woman who worked in a match factory, lived at home with her parents (who were so depressing I’m surprised she didn’t jump off a bridge)  she meets an accountant at a community dance , he impregnates her, then abandons her.   I was drinking that year, and I sure did need one after seeing that movie.  It was pretty good despite how depressing the subject matter.  Also, throughout the entire movie not one of the actors spoke a single word.   

American movies in my opinion are garbage.  Those so called executives when they aren’t shoving a drug up their nose are busy doing nothing more then rehashing movies from 20,30,40 years ago not to mention those mindless action pictures.  Also the American movies steal the ideas from overseas.  So simply put a movie I’m watching on the big screen might be ripped off from a movie made out of the country.   Some but not all.   I’m less & less impressed with the entertainment industry here in the States.     For those of you who may not understand good quality movies are an escape for me it is for me a healthy addiction & thank God because if it weren’t for movies, documentaries and some classic TV shows I would definitely be on drugs of some kind.   Movies & books.   I would love to have some intelligent friends who have in common with me the love of movies as well as love of books but unfortunately where I live there are nothing but children occupying adult bodies.   No social skills, extremely boorish.   I don’t have time for that.   What I notice are a bunch of adults that want to party, get drunk, or do drugs  as a hobby and to be honest I don’t like people like that.  Yeah, I like staying to myself because I really don’t meet hardly ANY people that have anything in common with me.   Or that I even like.   Got to get OUT of this city, state.    Seattle sucks!   

Living With PTSD

I have chronic PTSD.

Grew up with abusive stepparents.  One of them was a very abusive stepfather who was extremely aggressive + violent.    Fast forward to today.   One minute I think I’m alright watching TV the next  BAM!  My body quivers uncontrollably and I’m right back to those dreadful days.   I live in an apartment complex next door to a woman who has her abusive alcoholic husband or boyfriend who will pay a visit to her from time to time.   And when he does, all hell breaks loose.

He screams, he yells, he will swing the hallway door WIDE & the door slams loudly against the wall with such force it seems that there is an explosion because on the other side of that wall is were I live.   What happens next is that I go into immediate panic mode.   My body shakes violently, then I yell.   The guy in question also smacks his wife around so I’m able to hear all kinds of noise i.e.  like a body being thrown around the room, a female voice screaming.   For those of you who haven’t experience this your very lucky.    

I have called the local police, many times.   One of the officers tapped on my door to inform me that the young man was intoxicated & has mental illness.  Oh great here I go again.   It’s the drunk stepfather who was bipolar ALL over again!  I feel like I’m living in an Eugene O’Neill play only worse.    I also have been talking with the landlords they are sympathetic & they are kicking him out.   Just recently I was jolted out of my rare relaxed state to hear the guy on the other side of the door yell

loud enough to wake the dead FUCK YOU twice right outside my door in the hallway followed by the usual violent swing of the hallway door banging up against the wall.   At this point I don’t trust the female neighbor next door who for whatever reason keeps inviting this husband up to her unit, I don’t know is she an enabler?  a glutton for punishment?  some sick perversion of love?  who knows!

I guess I’m HIGHLY concerned that despite this punk (who also lives on the same apt complex if you believe that) being kicked out of the complex I have not heard the last of this punk.   As of this date I’m sitting on a stack of papers called a petition of protection order (odd that the next door neighbor woman isn’t doing this)  HOWEVER!  I will wait & see what will happen.   I just don’t know what I will do.  But what I will do is order some weapons to protect myself.   And despite the tight housing market here I’ve given long thought to moving once my lease is up.   When a person goes through this kind of thing over & over & over , because I’ve experienced this at another apartment complex where I lived next door to some violent drunk people and I mean violent i.e. kicking in their own doors because their significant others purposely lock them out,  Me being called WHORE among other ugly things(when I’ve yelled through my own door to tell them to keep quite) & at a high screaming pitch to wake up not only the apartment complex but an entire county ( that loud)  well lets just say that it’s really driven me back to a depressive state.   Mentally it makes me tired, my body feels tired + fatigued & all I want to do is SLEEP!   Which brings me to sunny point number one I’ve been sleeping at all odd hours.

I’m of the belief that if you can’t handle the booze then please PUT IT THE HELL DOWN!  Mean drunks are like a train wreck destroying everything in its path.

I know I don’t like them.

I Remember Jonestown.

I was in High school that year, struggling extremely bad in school.  During history class, the class went to the school library to research our term papers of which I had no idea how to write, what to write, nor had I any idea how to research what I wanted to write, since I had undiagnosed ADHD.   I basically was leaning along the library check out counter feeling very depressed it was mid afternoon, when a hand with a magazine was shoved inches from my face.  

“Have you ever seen anything so disgusting? Good God”!  said my history teacher I’ll call him Mr. Jones.   On that cover of the Newsweek magazine were the bodies of the dead.   The Jonestown Massacre.   My blood went so cold I swear it felt as though I was walking into a walk in refrigerator like when I used to work at McDonald’s.   I was frightened, in shock.   My history teacher was totally crazy too.

Aside from being a horrible dresser and I mean BAD no iron, nothing matched, clothes too small for his frame, horrible dresser, he was I now believe a bit mentally OFF!  I’m watching documentaries on the Heavens Gate cult.  If you want to read something crazy?  Go Google up Marshall Applewhite & the Heaven’s gate cult.   Anyway this is why I had this memory of Jonestown or that cover of Newsweek magazine with all of the cult members who drank the poisoned Kool Aid out of the vat.  This is were the expression “don’t drink the Kool Aid comes from.  It seemed I was always around crazy people.  And now, I stay to myself because it seems to me people are mentally crazy or completely AGGRESSIVE!   I’m too frightened to get close to ANYONE!  Teachers have failed me, my parents REALLY DID fail me and the world is literally falling apart!  I’m not kidding either.    Take tonight for example the neighbor I live next door to her Husband just yelled obscenities through my door then kicked in the wall using the hallway entrance door.  Something that makes me angry but that’s not all.   I’ll file a restraining order so he doesn’t come anywhere near my apartment door.   That and I’ve ordered a stun gun.   I don’t like were I live.   Who can you trust these days?  People either want to use you, want to F**K you, or verbally abuse you, or kill you.   Oh yes!   You know what I want?  to move to a nice quiet village far away from all the ugliness.   And living in this world is UGLY!  But don’t take my word for it just step out of your door & look all around you.