Living With PTSD

I have chronic PTSD.

Grew up with abusive stepparents.  One of them was a very abusive stepfather who was extremely aggressive + violent.    Fast forward to today.   One minute I think I’m alright watching TV the next  BAM!  My body quivers uncontrollably and I’m right back to those dreadful days.   I live in an apartment complex next door to a woman who has her abusive alcoholic husband or boyfriend who will pay a visit to her from time to time.   And when he does, all hell breaks loose.

He screams, he yells, he will swing the hallway door WIDE & the door slams loudly against the wall with such force it seems that there is an explosion because on the other side of that wall is were I live.   What happens next is that I go into immediate panic mode.   My body shakes violently, then I yell.   The guy in question also smacks his wife around so I’m able to hear all kinds of noise i.e.  like a body being thrown around the room, a female voice screaming.   For those of you who haven’t experience this your very lucky.    

I have called the local police, many times.   One of the officers tapped on my door to inform me that the young man was intoxicated & has mental illness.  Oh great here I go again.   It’s the drunk stepfather who was bipolar ALL over again!  I feel like I’m living in an Eugene O’Neill play only worse.    I also have been talking with the landlords they are sympathetic & they are kicking him out.   Just recently I was jolted out of my rare relaxed state to hear the guy on the other side of the door yell

loud enough to wake the dead FUCK YOU twice right outside my door in the hallway followed by the usual violent swing of the hallway door banging up against the wall.   At this point I don’t trust the female neighbor next door who for whatever reason keeps inviting this husband up to her unit, I don’t know is she an enabler?  a glutton for punishment?  some sick perversion of love?  who knows!

I guess I’m HIGHLY concerned that despite this punk (who also lives on the same apt complex if you believe that) being kicked out of the complex I have not heard the last of this punk.   As of this date I’m sitting on a stack of papers called a petition of protection order (odd that the next door neighbor woman isn’t doing this)  HOWEVER!  I will wait & see what will happen.   I just don’t know what I will do.  But what I will do is order some weapons to protect myself.   And despite the tight housing market here I’ve given long thought to moving once my lease is up.   When a person goes through this kind of thing over & over & over , because I’ve experienced this at another apartment complex where I lived next door to some violent drunk people and I mean violent i.e. kicking in their own doors because their significant others purposely lock them out,  Me being called WHORE among other ugly things(when I’ve yelled through my own door to tell them to keep quite) & at a high screaming pitch to wake up not only the apartment complex but an entire county ( that loud)  well lets just say that it’s really driven me back to a depressive state.   Mentally it makes me tired, my body feels tired + fatigued & all I want to do is SLEEP!   Which brings me to sunny point number one I’ve been sleeping at all odd hours.

I’m of the belief that if you can’t handle the booze then please PUT IT THE HELL DOWN!  Mean drunks are like a train wreck destroying everything in its path.

I know I don’t like them.

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Published by: The Lonely Shepard

Me: I grew up in an extremely abusive & disadvantaged family environment were both parents were really immature & their relationship messy! I was abducted by my Father at age 8 abused physically, mentally, degraded by his 2nd Wife, and I didn't see my Mother again until 4 years later, I had to risk my neck + my life to run off to seek help with the local police & this was way before there was any such laws on the books for child abuse. Think on that awhile. Had learning disabilities all throughout school by the time I graduated I learned nothing, was prepared for nothing out in the World. Think on that. Joined the United States Army right out of High School only reason I did join was that at the time there was an Army recruiter right on the High School campus & he took an interest in me. So I joined. I was really in over my head. But what else could I do? I lived with a single Mom who was emotionally unstable & I had ZERO support from anyone including the school staff + administrators. The military was hard & degrading to me as a woman but I got out with an honorable discharge. More about me: A series of dead end jobs, my mind was totally a mess after I got out of the Army, still had no support not even from the Veterans admin. My journey has been a total nightmare of: trying to find out about myself, learning about myself, how to live as an adult, all with no help. Now after long , and intensive filled journey I'm trying to get back on track with my life I want to go to school with the hope of one day attending University. I don't wish my journey on anyone. No one gave me guidance: as a child as a teen as a young adult I was all on my own! and it was real lonely , isolating, extremely frightening. Family? don't really have any. Now remember everyone I'm African American & I receive little to no respect I don't even warrant a speeding car that will slow down. "The person who sang the National Anthem sang the last note so high that no could reach it! That was intentional!" Belize from Tony Kushners play Angels In America. If you've read this far I will leave my email in case you want to leave me a msg. Those that are rude will get deleted immediately. Contact: Yogibeara425@hushmail.com

Categories just trying to make it in a World full of hate & intolerance for people of color